Author Topic: Hi, I am a young writer from Australia and need an opinion.  (Read 1657 times)

Offline BailsTheNoShellSnail

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I am not new to comedy I have been doing it for about 4 years now, I am not saying I've done it for ages or that I am even good at it. But none the less I enjoy writing and have been told that I am hilarious (which I call bull crap on) so I just want to know if this rough draft of  part of my script I wrote is worth anything.

This part of the script is about Canada being ditched by Michigan, Michigan is ditching Canada due to falling in love with Kansas. Canada is distraught and saddened by this, Canada then feels betrayed by Michigan because they were friends and had plans to make their own state.

With that small crappy description here is the script
Ps it's meant to be cheesy

Michigan: Well Canada  I really have to go
Canada: But you just got here
Michigan: I know but I need to go see Kansas
Canada:But what about the plan to make our own state?
Michigan: well...
Canada: Why can't you just stay a little longer
Michigan: look Canada  I really need to see Kansas
Canada: Don't  you care about our dreams anymore?
Michigan:well that's just it, I found a different dream
Canada: But you said it would always be you and me, you said we could take over the world be who we want to be for once. No longer push overs
Michigan: Look Kansas is my new dream and I really need to see her so bye,
Canada: But...Don't you even care about our friendship?
Michigan: Look Canada , I think it's time you learnt something [beat] please sit {Sits on chair}
Canada: {sits on ground legs crossed}
Michigan: You see Canada...When a man loves a women very very much he ditches all of those who where his so called friends, you got it?
Canada: But you said that we were forever
Michigan: Look buddy she gives me a certain type of love, love a friend just can't provide
Canada: I can learn! Let me speak to her I can give you the same love un! {jumps forward to Michigan}
Michigan: {stands up, Canada  still holding Michigan's shoulders} I am with Kansas now she is my new dream so and I have got to go see her ok? So goodbye {removes Canada's hands from his shoulders and walks of}
Canada:But...We were friends...Michigan? [sighs]

Song starts
I'm all on my own
All by my self
No friends or family left
No, no none of that just little lonely me
Little lonely Canada,
I miss my friends and family
Little lonely Canada,
Is meeeeee,
I've got maple leaves
And an abundance of maple syrup from those maple trees
But still no wants to be with me
I've got lot of flap jacks
But nobody gives a crap
About me
So I guess I'll be
Little lonely Canada
No one and nowhere to go,
So you can call me
So very lonely,
[sigh]
Little lonely Canada is me
So I guess I'll be
A
Little lonely Canada


hillwalker3000

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Re: Hi, I am a young writer from Australia and need an opinion.
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2015, 05:56:28 PM »
From where I'm sitting it's a one-line joke without a punch-line.
Imagine Canada is a person, and Michigan their best friend. But then Michigan falls in love with Kansas and wants to leave Canada.
It doesn't really progress beyond that initial premise. Michigan's lines are virtually the same message repeated over and over again.
The song at the end was the final straw for me. It's difficult to identify an audience that might find any of this hilarious. Maybe a slightly more adult version of The Muppets. I'm sorry I can't be more positive than this.
Keep writing and looking at ways to be original. This was original - but not particularly funny.

H3K

Offline Chandlers

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Re: Hi, I am a young writer from Australia and need an opinion.
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2015, 07:45:52 PM »
I think the start washing that great or that funny but I think it could be a great musical