Author Topic: Jason's World - One Hour Drama/Comedy Pilot - Strong Adult Content - 995 Words  (Read 3968 times)

Offline Lucas_Knight

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Hello, my name is Lucas Knight and this is the opening scenes for the pilot episode of "Jason's World". "Jason's World" is a drama/comedy series that I'm currently working on. I hope you guys enjoy reading it and can't wait to hear what you think. All harsh feedback is totally welcome.

These are the opening scenes:

FADE IN:

INT. JASONíS APARTMENT- NIGHT

TITLE: NEW YORK CITY, NY

Jason, age 24, bursts through the door with his nymphomaniac girlfriend, Felicity, forcing herself onto him.

As they make their way to the bed, Jason tries to passive aggressively inquire about his discomfort. She continuously kisses him and bites his lip, giving him no chance to speak.

JASON
You know... We could maybe sit together and watch a movie.

FELICITY
Hmmm... How about we make one instead?

Felicity grabs Jasonís hands and forces him to grip her breasts.

FELICITY (CONTíD)
How does that feel?

JASON
I guess only you would know.

Felicity pushes Jason onto the bed and climbs on top of him.

FELICITY
I want you inside me. I want us to both cum, like clockwork!

Felicity takes her shirt off.

JASON
Wait!... Um... Can you hold on?

Felicity grabs his crotch.

FELICITY
To this?

Jason turns away from her.

JASON
Iím sorry... I just... need a moment.

FELICITY
Jason, Iím practically throwing myself at you. Any other guy would have started fucking me by now. What, am I not sexy enough?

JASON
No! No... youíre beautiful... Itís just... I want to savor this. You know? I donít want to treat you like a...

FELICITY
Slut?

JASON
Not... I... I value what we...

FELICITY
Jason, I want to be slutty for you. I want you to defile me!

JASON
Oh!... No... You donít mean that...

FELICITY
We can take it slow... why donít I get it started for you?

Felicity removes her panties from under her skirt and throws them at Jason. She then starts to touch herself.

FELICITY (CONTíD)
You like to watch me?

JASON
I, um...

FELICITY
Yeah, you love watching me. You dirty boy.


JASON
Yeah... Good... Good stuff... Iím so... dirty...

Felicity motions him to go down on her.

FELICITY
Guess what, baby... Itís time for you to eat your dessert!

JASON
Oh... You know, Iím already full...

Felicity grabs Jasonís head and practically forces oral sex. She starts to moan immediately.

FELICITY
Oh god... Howís it taste?

JASON
It, um... It... tastes.

FELICITY
Go faster...

JASON
Faster, already?

FELICITY
Stop being a bitch and eat my pussy, Jason!

Jason starts to lick even faster and faster.

FELICITY (CONTíD)
Yeah! Yeah! You dirty motherfucker! Eat it! Eat it, god damn it!

Felicity starts to scream obnoxiously.

FELICITY (CONTíD)
Iím cumming... Itís cumming for you Jason!

Felicity, unexpectedly, squirts onto Jasonís face. Jason immediately purges off the side of the bed. They both sit in silence.

FELICITY (CONTíD)
Jesus Christ, Jason! Are you okay?

JASON
Now I really need a moment...

Jason runs to the bathroom to rinse his mouth out and contemplate.

Felicity, still laying on his bed, sees the drawer to his night stand slightly cracked open. She leans over and opens the drawer. She finds a gay mensí magazine.

Felicity quickly collects her belongings and leaves the apartment. Jason comes out of the bathroom.

JASON (CONTíD)

I am so sorry about...

Jason notices that Felicity took off. He sees his drawer open, with his porn magazine exposed. He starts pulling his hair out of distress.

JASON (CONTíD)
Shit... Shit!

Jason sits on the bed and glances at his cell phone. Eight missed calls and seven text messages from his mother.

JASON (CONTíD)
Jesus Christ. Not right now, mom.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM- NEXT DAY

Jason stares at his phone. A text from his mother reads ďThe only one youíre hurting is yourself.Ē Another message appears. ďHave it your way.Ē One more. ďCan you at least let me know youíre ok?Ē

Jasonís boss, Bill Sanders (late 40ís), suddenly calls him to attention. Jason is caught off guard. He is in the middle of a meeting with advertising account executives, surrounded by Type-A coworkers in business attire.

BILL
Jason!... Is there a problem?

JASON
No, no problem... Itís just my mom, she blows up my phone... You know how it is.

BILL
Well youíre momís gonna love this new product! You know, the one the rest of this team is investing into?

JASON
Iím sorry sir.

BILL
Now... if youíre done suckling on your mamaís titties... Letís proceed!

Bill opens up a power point presentation projected onto the white board. He introduces the sex enhancement product they are marketing.

BILL (CONTíD)
Sexual enhancement! Bringing unsatisfied couples together... Studies have shown an increase of happiness through unhappy marriages. A perfectly marketable substance for the elderly. So whatís the problem here? These old fucks... They die off. They donít need it anymore. Now, if we can appeal to a younger generation... Imagine the profit! Especially in todayís world. We see it from all angles: Media, reality television, music... Sex is more rampant than weíve ever seen.

Everyone is the meeting room is drawn to Bill's every word.

BILL (CONTíD)
We need names people... New names that todayís generation can trust. Society is done with bullshit gas station drugs, and theyíre sure as hell too ashamed to go to their doctor for Viagra.

A coworker, Thomas, raises his hand.

BILL (CONTíD)
Thomas!

THOMAS
How about Aphrodite? You know, the goddess of sexual desire.

BILL
Cliche... Intrigue, people! Come on!

Another coworker, Kevin, raises his hand.

KEVIN
Happiness!

BILL
Did I not just say intrigue?

KEVIN
Itís a play on words, see? Hap-Penis.

BILL
Weíre not looking for play on words Kevin!

Jason sees another text from his mother when Bill again calls him to attention.

BILL (CONTíD)
Jason!

Jason jumps to attention.

BILL (CONTíD)
Any ideas?

JASON
Um... what about... Clockwork?

BILL
Clockwork?

JASON
You know... He cums... She cums.. Its like clockwork?

Jason waits for Billís response. Bill hesitates.

BILL
Clockwork... Thatís brilliant!.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 02:50:15 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Lucas_Knight

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Before someone points out the error in the introduction, I would like to say that I meant to say "These are the opening scenes".

hillwalker3000

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The first problem I see is you're concentrating too much on describing the cast. This is a script so there's no way you can show most this on-screen:
Jason, age 24, How will this be shown on-screen? bursts through the door with his nymphomaniac girlfriend And this?, Felicity, forcing herself onto him.

And I have no idea what this means let alone how you intend showing it on-screen.
As they make their way to the bed, Jason tries to passive aggressively inquire about his discomfort. She continuously kisses him and bites his lip, giving him no chance to speak.

If he has no chance to speak. . . how come he's speaking?

As for the action, when it finally starts, it's hardly erotic (unless you're a fourteen-year-old schoolboy). It's borderline pornography so I'm wondering what audience you're aiming for. Then we discover that Jason is a mother-fixated daydreamer. Maybe it's meant to be humorous. Possibly in America it might indeed raise a laugh but I doubt you'll find a TV network to run it.

Personally I don't see very much drama or comedy here so far but that's just my opinion - use or lose.

Good luck.

H3K

Offline Lucas_Knight

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Thank you so much Hillwalker for taking time to review my script. I will keep all of this in mind when working on improving my work.

Offline dawalker17uk

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I like the concept, but what network would show cunnilingus in a pilot?
At the current moment I feel nothing for Jason, I have no idea who he is. There is very little in the way of character development.
For example, I don't know Bill but I do know that even thinking about saying "mamaís titties" would have him in front of a judge for sexual harassment, especial in America. I relay can't imagine anything like that being said at a conference, maybe out of earshot of other people where James and Bill are alone and it turns out Bill is a sneaky asshole, this would build tension and drive the plot.
I would suggest trying to be subtle as much as possible and use outlandish dialogue/actions to cause tension/shock.
But have a good think, spoofing into someones mouth, especial a protesting whelp, is funny, if you're into that kind of humor. but do you relay think that will get green lighted for network production?
If you do decide to make some revisions send me a message, I'd defo be interested in how this goes.

Offline Magdiel

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I'm terribly sorry, but this brand of adult content is not something I enjoy. I can't give any fair criticism because I'm already biased against the material. Sorry...
« Last Edit: July 29, 2015, 10:40:03 PM by Magdiel »
Pentatonix will rule the music industry one day... I hope.

Tony_A20

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To forum scriptwrters,

This is what a script looks like:
http://web.archive.org/web/20100525105437/http://www.foxscreenings.com/media/pdf/JamesCameronAVATAR.pdf

This is how to display your script on MWC:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=49023.msg867941#msg867941

A little research would find both.

Tony