Author Topic: New Play (can you read it and be as harsh as you want) Second Scene W/C 669  (Read 5033 times)

Offline Samuel96

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(Back home in the flat, lights down. Cassandra in bed with Samantha. Samantha performing a sex act on her although this cannot be seen due to the duvet and lack of stage lights. Cassandra getting louder but at the point of what would be orgasm she feels nothing, lights up, and pushes Samanthaís head away lightly)

Cassandra : Sorry, I just know whatís wrong with me. Every time.
Samantha : (wiping face with a towel) Itís fine.
Cassandra : It does feel great I promise you but I just canítÖ you know.
Samantha : I said itís fine, itís not your fault is it.
Cassandra : And itís not yours either, there must be something wrong with me down there.
(Samantha points to Cassandra's head)
Samantha : Or up here. Iím sure you canít orgasm because youíre not relaxed enough. Maybe if we told your parents and everyone else you wouldnít have to feel..
Cassandra : You know I canít do that, two ministers, what do you think theyíll say? No, no. Weíve gone through this a million times. Jesus, they donít even know that I live with a girl. Itís just I think about it so much, and Iím really trying hard to.
Samantha : I know. There is nothing wrong with you, weíll get there in the end.
Cassandra : Itís been six years already, how much longer will you even want to stay with me.
Samantha : Donít be stupid, as long as it takes. (softly, holding her) Donít be stupid.
(Through tears)
Cassandra : Iím sorry. I am sorry.
Samantha : I tell you what, Iíll go and get another bottle of wine from Jacobís and weíll crack out the galaxy and have a netflix binge.
Cassandra : Okay that sounds lovely. Actually Iíll go, I think the fresh air might help calm me a bit.
Samantha : You sure?
Cassandra : Yeah, would you really trust me with the galaxy anyway?
Samantha : Thatís true.
Samantha : Okay. Ooooh wait. Wait! Get that really nice strawberry wine.
Cassandra : Okay then. Iíll be 10 minutes. Oh shit what time is it?
Samantha : Itís almost 11 why?
Cassandra : Jacobs will be shut then, they stop selling at 10.
Samantha : (Taking Cassandra's phone) Oh yeah well just get the Galaxy then. Wait, wait! What was that waiters name again? Was it Steven, I think heís added you as a friend.
Cassandra : What?
Samantha : (Taking receipt out of pocket) Yeah it says our waiter was Steven. Heís added youÖ I have to accept this.
Cassandra : Please donít! Right I have to get going. (Share a kiss)  
Samantha : Cya. (Cassandra leaves) Accept! (Laughs)
************
(Throughout the time that Cassandra is gone we see Samantha setting up film, chocolate, putting duvet on the couch. Lights dim on freezeframe, plays Edvard Grieg - In the Hall of the Mountain King, on music rise stage flood lights flash on and off. Also break from reality allows passage of time to be sped up. Cassandra returns, she is dirty and clearly shaken)
Samantha : (Rushing to Cassandra who is stood just inside the door)  Where have you been Iíve been worried? Youíre filthy and bleeding. Did you fall? Oh jesus, oh jesus. Are you okay? Please say something.
Cassandra : Iím sorry.
Samantha : Cassandra? Whatís happened? Tell me whatís happened.
Cassandra : HeÖ heÖ (she hands Samantha her pants which are covered in blood)
Samantha : (Hysterical) Oh no, oh Cass. Oh jesus, no, no, no. Oh no. Are you okay? Tell me are you okay? IíllÖ ring the police.
Cassandra : No! Please, I think I need to wash myself and then go to bed. Please just get the bed ready, donít ring the police.
Samantha : But we have to tell someone.
Cassandra : Donít ring the police. I donít want anyone to know. Just get the bed ready. Iím not hurting too badly.
Samantha : Of course, of course. Oh hunny.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 02:49:22 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Louis D. Thorpe

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6 years?

Is there a reason it's been 6 years?

Need the context there.

Offline Samuel96

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The context is in the first scene.

Thanks

Samuel

hillwalker3000

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A few points as I read through.

Cassandra : Sorry, I just don't know whatís wrong with me. Every time.

Parts of it read more like a patient/doctor consultation that two lovers discussing a difficult issue:

(Samantha points to Cassandra's head)
Samantha : Or up here. Iím sure you canít orgasm because youíre not relaxed enough. Maybe if we told your parents and everyone else you wouldnít have to feel..


This comes dangerously close to exposition through dialogue - both know they've been together for six years and that C's parents are ministers so the conversation seems to be there purely to bring the audience up to speed:

Cassandra : You know I canít do that, two ministers, what do you think theyíll say? No, no. Weíve gone through this a million times. Jesus, they donít even know that I live with a girl. Itís just I think about it so much, and Iím really trying hard to.
Samantha : I know. There is nothing wrong with you, weíll get there in the end. Clichť
Cassandra : Itís been six years already, how much longer will you even want to stay with me.


I didn't understand this part at all. I thought 'the Galaxy' was S's car - but presumably not. And the business with Stephen adding C as a friend (on Facebook?) seems to appear from nowhere then get forgotten almost as quickly:

Cassandra : Yeah, would you really trust me with the galaxy anyway?
Samantha : Thatís true.
Samantha : (Taking Cassandra's phone) Oh yeah well just get the Galaxy then. Wait, wait! What was that waiters name again? Was it Steven, I think heís added you as a friend.
Cassandra : What?
Samantha : (Taking receipt out of pocket) Yeah it says our waiter was Steven. Heís added youÖ I have to accept this.
Cassandra : Please donít! Two disconnected sentences - seems rushed. Right I have to get going. (Share a kiss)


This dialogue also seems rushed, as if it's there to describe what the audience perhaps can't see:

Samantha : (Rushing to Cassandra who is stood just inside the door)  Where have you been Iíve been worried? Youíre filthy and bleeding. Did you fall? Oh jesus, oh jesus. Are you okay? Please say something.

Most in this situation would say something like 'My God. What's happened?'. C knows she's filthy and bleeding so it's hardly helpful pointing this out to her.

First impressions - the aftermath of the assault which should be a pivotal scene is over in a flash whereas S's inability to orgasm takes up half the opening scene. I'd have to say your pacing is suspect.

H3K

Offline Samuel96

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Explaining the plot line of my play will hopefully help to explain to an extent the reason the pacing which you brought up as being suspect.

After Cassandra's rape, her relationship with Samantha quickly begins to fail as they both try to deal with it. It transpires that Cassandra achieved orgasm during the rape, which Cassandra is distraught about. While she had this physical reaction to the rape, Cassandra makes it clear that not in any way was it pleasurable and that she is emotionally ruined by it. Samantha is completely unable to understand this and the relationship continues to spiral downwards.

Hopefully that explains why Cassandra's inability to orgasm is made a lot of and why we donít see the rape of a great deal of the immediate aftermath. In fact after your feedback I am thinking of changing the end of the scene to Cassandra walking in, bloodied and filthy and Samantha saying ďOh my god, what happened?Ē (End Scene)

The next scene will be the next day and then the next scenes will be them dealing with the fallout from the rape.

Galaxy as in the chocolate bar but Iíll change it to Dairy Milk as that may be less confusing.

Dialogue needs lots of work and your feedback will go a long way to achieving that, it is a huge help.

The fact Stephen adds Cassandra as a friend is important to the play, I understand it seems weird in a stand alone scene.

Finally I was wondering whether you would agree that the play would seem more realistic if I took their relationship from being 6 years long to something more like 18 months. I think this would better explain why they still havenít felt the need to seek medical help for Cassandras , why Cassandra parents havenít even got an inkling of her life with Samantha, and also why Cassandra still feels the need to explain herself. What do you think?

Thanks so much for your really great critique again.

hillwalker3000

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18 months would explain why they're still discussing the physical problem as if it can be overcome by unconventional means - such as by going public. And the abrupt ending does work better in my opinion.
I guessed Stephen has a role beyond being their waiter for the night. It's just that the dialogue seemed a little jerky at that point.

H3K

Offline amy_films

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I think Hillwalker made some very good points here, I'm going to copy/paste your script and highlight anything that distracts my reading or put in a suggestion - hopefully that can be helpful :)

Cassandra : Sorry, I just know whatís wrong with me. Every time.
Samantha : (wiping face with a towel) Itís fine.
Cassandra : It feels great I promise you but I just canítÖ you know.
Samantha : I said itís fine, itís not your fault is it.
Cassandra : And itís not yours either, there must be something wrong with me down there. (Do you need And?)
(Samantha points to Cassandra's head)
Samantha : Or up here. Iím sure you canít orgasm because youíre not relaxed enough. Maybe if we told your parents and everyone else you wouldnít have to feel..
Cassandra : You know I canít do that, two ministers, what do you think theyíll say? No, no. Weíve gone through this a million times. Jesus, they donít even know that I live with a girl. Itís just I think about it so much, and Iím really trying hard to.
(I agree with Hillwalker here)
Samantha : I know you are but there's nothing wrong with you, it'll happen.. (a bit more flow perhaps?)
Cassandra : Itís been six years already, how much longer will you even want to stay with me.
Samantha : Donít be stupid, as long as it takes. (softly, holding her) Donít be stupid.
(Through tears)
Cassandra : Iím sorry. I am sorry.
Samantha : I tell you what, Iíll go and get another bottle of wine from Jacobís and weíll crack out the galaxy and have a netflix binge.
Cassandra : Okay that sounds lovely. Actually Iíll go, I could do with the fresh air.
Samantha : You sure?
Cassandra : Yeah, would you really trust me with the galaxy anyway?
Samantha : Thatís true.
Samantha : Okay. Ooooh wait. Wait! Get that really nice strawberry wine.
Cassandra : Okay then. Iíll be 10 minutes. Oh shit what time is it?
Samantha : Itís almost 11 why?
Cassandra : Jacobs will be shut then, they stop selling at 10.
Samantha : (Taking Cassandra's phone) Oh yeah well just get the Galaxy then. (I assumed that not trusting Cassandra with the Galaxy if Samantha was to go to the shops meant they already had the chocolate in the house?) Wait, wait! What was that waiters name again? Was it Steven, I think heís added you as a friend.
Cassandra : What?
Samantha : (Taking receipt out of pocket) Yeah it says our waiter was Steven. Heís added youÖ I have to accept this.
Cassandra : Please donít! Right I have to get going. (Share a kiss) 
Samantha : Cya. (Cassandra leaves) Accept! (Laughs)
************
(Throughout the time that Cassandra is gone we see Samantha setting up film, chocolate, putting duvet on the couch. Lights dim on freezeframe, plays Edvard Grieg - In the Hall of the Mountain King, on music rise stage flood lights flash on and off. Also break from reality allows passage of time to be sped up. Cassandra returns, she is dirty and clearly shaken)
Samantha : (Rushing to Cassandra who is stood just inside the door)  Where have you been Iíve been worried? Youíre filthy and bleeding. Did you fall? Oh jesus, oh jesus. Are you okay? Please say something. (Agree with Hillwalker)

Ending the scene here would work much better