Author Topic: New Play (can you read it and tell me what you think?) First Scene  (Read 2659 times)

Offline Samuel96

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Hi everyone, hope you can give me some feedback on this :) Thank you, I hope to get round to reviewing scrips tomorrow.

(Middle-range restaurant, couple are sitting centre stage)

Samantha : What wine are we having?
Cassandra : Which is the strongest?
Samantha : (Studying the menu) The cabernet sauvignon is rather potent, we could have that one? Itís 14.5%
Cassandra : Sure.
Samantha : Do you want me to read out some other ones?
Cassandra : The one you said will be fine.
Samantha : Are you okay?
Cassandra : Yeah, Iím just very tired.
Samantha : You sure?
(Waiter walks towards the table, heís wearing Rabbit ears, decorations show it is easter. Despite being clearly embarrassed of the ears, he is relatively cheerful and is handsome)
Waiter: Happy Easter, are you ready to order?
Samantha : Ah yes, I think so. Cass?
Cassandra : Yeah, weíll have the cabernet sauvignon to drink. Iíll get the Scallops to start, the monkfish for main and just a glass of port for desert.
Waiter : Sure, and what would you like madam?
Samantha : Could I get the melon and sorbet to start, the beef for main and the raspberry crumble for dessert?
Waiter : Is that everything?
Cassandra : Just some water for the table please.
Samantha : Heís driving you see.
(Waiter and Samantha laugh. Waiter collects in menus, still laughing lightly)
Waiter : Iíll just bring that over for you.
Cassandra : Iíve just had a lot on, sweetheart. Iíve been working so hard so I could get the next few days off to spend with you. Iím sorry, we should get the waiter to stay, youíd have more fun with him than with me at this rate.
Samantha : Oh shush, Iím having a nice time. I just want to make sure youíre okay. I love you.
Cassandra : I love you too. Iím sorry.
Samantha : Shush. Are you just having fish?
Cassandra : (trying to be more cheerful but falling short) Thatís the way I roll.
(Samantha reaches across the table and kisses Cassandra, couple on next table gives them a look, although the couple arenít on stage we see Cassandras reaction)
Cassandra : (hand up to forehead) I hate it when they look at us like that.
Samantha : Oh Cass.
Cassandra : (half joking, half annoyed) By the way they look, youíd think youíd just stripped me naked or something.
Samantha : (laughing) Youíre so crude.
Cassandra : You love it.
Samantha : I do?
Cassandra : You do.
Samantha : (Coyly) I do.
(Samantha smiles sheepishly)
Cassandra : Maybe later?
Samantha : Maybe indeed.
(They gaze at each other, eyes glazed, waiter returns with wine)
Waiter : Here is the wine you ordered. Do you want to taste it?
Cassandra : (Cheering up) Thatís the plan, bunny boy.
(Shoots cassandra a look, not angry, but playfully foreboding)
Samantha : No itís okay, Iím sure itíll be fine.
Waiter : Okay no problem, new restaurant policy is that we fill the glasses and take away the bottle.
Cassandra : Whyís that?
Waiter : I think it is to stop peopleÖ ermÖ Iím not sure really, if you like you can speak to the manager and Iím sure he can answerÖ
Cassandra : ...just fill the glasses then.
Waiter : No problem. Are you two are out for an easter meal?
Cassandra : Six year anniversary actually.
Waiter : Oh really, today?
Samantha : Yesterday.
Waiter : Amazing, me and my girlfriend had our 6 month anniversary yesterday.
Cassandra : 1 in 365 chance.
Waiter : Sorry?
Cassandra : I was saying there is a 1 in 365Ö
Samantha : (Cutting in) That really is a coincidence. Congratulations.
Waiter : Thank you.
(Stands for a few seconds, rather awkwardly, finally leaves)
Samantha : Stop it you.
(Laughing)
Cassandra : What did I do?
Samantha : The poor guy, you are so abrasive.
Cassandra : Oh heís alright. I just donít see why they have to take the bottle away though. I mean what do they think people are going to do? And if youíre going to tell staff that they canít actually give people the bottles theyíve bought at least tell them why it is. And 6 months! I bet theyíre engaged already, and have planned the rest of their lives together. I bet they say that they love each other more than anyone has ever loved anything ever before. I bet they havenít had their first big fight and I bet they still cuddle all night long. (whispered) I wonder if she has even had a shit in front of him yet.
Samantha : And whatís wrong with all that?
Cassandra : Itís not love. Sure it looks like love, it feels like love. But theyíve had no challenges to test the relationship. They havenít seen the other one so drunk that you need to pull their hair out of there sick. They love the person they have made for one another, that special part of you that you bring out when you meet someone new. But thatíll erode with time, maybe itís already started with them and then all that is left is who you really areIf by that point you still love each other, when you are worn down to the very nub of what you are, then you can call it love.
Samantha : So you donít love me?
Cassandra : Of Course I do, that is what I am saying.
Samantha : But I donít think Iíve done a (Whispered) shit in front of you.
Cassandra : No? Once when you were really, really drunk at a party, I think it was Lisaís, and you were embarrassed but you really needed a poo, so you made me stand guard at the door. And I heard this det charge hit the water and you shouted to me that now you know what itís like to give birth. (Giggles)
Samantha : OhÖ keep your voice downÖ you never told me!
Cassandra : I tried to forget it myself to be fair.
Samantha : JeezÖ. so you really must love me?
Cassandra : Well I donít hate you.
Samantha : Cass?
Cassandra : Of Course I love you.
Samantha : I love you too sweetheart.
(Lights down)

Offline Samuel96

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Re: New Play (can you read it and tell me what you think?) First Scene
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2015, 05:10:14 AM »
I should have mentioned that this is a stage play

hillwalker3000

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Re: New Play (can you read it and tell me what you think?) First Scene
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2015, 09:50:30 AM »
I'm no expert on scripts or stage drama but this is probably the best material I've read on this particular thread for an age. But don't get too excited - most of the so-called scripts posted on here are beyond dire.

I only have a couple of minor suggestions:

Cassandra : Just some water for the table please.
Samantha : He’s driving you see.

I had to double-check there was no one else sharing their table - an unidentified male diner. I get the joke - but referring to a table as 'he' is a little awkward. Not sure how you can get around this.

and Cass's dialogue after the waiter leaves:

Cassandra : I’ve just had a lot on, sweetheart. I’ve been working so hard so I could get the next few days off to spend with you. I’m sorry, we should get the waiter to stay, you’d have more fun with him than with me at this rate.
I'd suggest you give Samantha something to say first - something like 'Are you sure you're OK?' - so that we can see Cassandra's speech is in response to her friend's concern.

Thanks for posting.

H3K

Offline Samuel96

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Re: New Play (can you read it and tell me what you think?) First Scene
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2015, 11:58:24 AM »
Thanks for your reply and your suggestions.

I agree the joke about the table doesn't quite work, I wanted Samantha to tell a lame joke, just as I envisioned her to be more welcoming, at least outwardly and I felt her joking with the waiter would be a good way of showing this. I was hoping it would translate better to speech but it's maybe better to get rid of it and use another device to show this.

Secondly, that's a good suggestion, obviously Samantha had asked "You sure?" before the waiter comes over... but as a reader it must sound disjointed.

Thanks for taking the time and your suggestions will be taken on board. It's been very helpful. I hope you find time to offer your view on the second scene when I put it up.

Samuel

Offline Plain Helvetica

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Re: New Play (can you read it and tell me what you think?) First Scene
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2015, 08:46:51 AM »
I think that this gives a good idea of the characters of the two ladies. There's a few points that sprung up while reading. They are minor but I might as well list them:

Samantha is studying the wine menu and selects the wine. Cassandra describes it as 'The one you said' as if she wasn't sure of its name but then goes on to make the order. It seemed peculiar that it should not be Samantha ordering the wine.

I quite like the joke about the table. It gives some insight into Samantha's personality. Reading it as a script one does wonder if 'he' referred to another person. On stage where there is clearly no one else there this might not be a problem.

I can't recall the last time that I went to a restaurant and they wanted me to order desert before eating the main course. Perhaps this is just me.

'pull their hair out of there sick' - grammar typo.

Offline amy_films

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Re: New Play (can you read it and tell me what you think?) First Scene
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2015, 09:57:04 AM »
This made me laugh, out loud too!

Very real and natural dialogue except for this one line "Iíve just had a lot on, sweetheart. Iíve been working so hard so I could get the next few days off to spend with you. Iím sorry, we should get the waiter to stay, youíd have more fun with him than with me at this rate." - I know this has been mentioned already but as an added note this didn't flow off the tongue as easily as the rest...perhaps over use of 'I've'?

I'm intrigued to read more....Thats a good sign