Author Topic: Short script called Method (Adult content) Word Count 1,191  (Read 12702 times)

Offline David McNaboe

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I would very much appreciate some constructive feedback on my first short film script. Thank you

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EXT. PARK FIELD - DAY

WIDE ANGLE VIEW: A lush field surrounded by trees. A summer sun shines brightly.

Two men in their mid twenties stand together apart from a man and woman, who are also in their mid twenties. The two groups stand apart by about 25 yards.

All four are preparing to shoot an indie/college movie.

In the group of two men, we have the DIRECTOR: DAVE, who is wearing a big bubble jacket, which he fondles as if he has a pair of tits under it. And the other man is the FX GUY: ROB, who wears his backpack on his front.

In the other group, we have the ACTRESS: ELAINE, reading her script and the CAMERAMAN: VAL, adjusting the settings on the camera.

CU of DAVE and ROB

ROB sarcastically smiles, as he searches through his backpack.

ROB
This is not gonna work.

DAVE, slightly irritated, turns to face ROB.

DAVE
(aggressively whispers)
God, Will you stop! It will work!

DAVE then looks at VAL and ELAINE in the distance.

DAVE (CON'TD)
You gotta stop thinking like that.

ROB pulls out a couple of blood capsules and a knife and gives them to DAVE.

ROB
Here.

DAVE
Cheers.

CU of ELAINE and VAL

ELAINE
Can't we just work on an easier scene first?

VAL
No! I told you, I need this scene to work or the film doesn't... Plus I've already told the lads I'm setting you up in this one.

ELAINE
(looks at her script)
What about all this dialogue?

VAL
Don't worry about that, I just need clips of their real pain, and then I'll do a little magic in the edit.

ELAINE turns to look at DAVE.

ELAINE
...Is your man really gonna believe me?

VAL
(under his breath)
My god...
(Normal voice)
Yes! he will.

ELAINE
But I hardly know the guy.

VAL
Yeah but he's delusional...
(shows a slight look of nervousness)
and! I told him you have a major hard-on for him.

ELAINE
What! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!

VAL
Chill! will ya, or they'll hear--

ELAINE
(angrily whispers)
Don't tell me to fucking chill Val! So he doesn't know about us?!

VAL
No of course not.
(closes the monitor on the camera)
Right you ready to go?

ELAINE just shakes her head as VAL walks towards ROB. DAVE walks towards ELAINE.

VAL
Hey man, you good?

ROB nods and gives VAL a friendly handshake.

DAVE places his hand on ELAINE'S shoulder, which causes her slight discomfort.

DAVE
Don't worry girl, you'll be great.

VAL
Right listen up everyone! In this scene--

DAVE shoves his way past ELAINE.

DAVE
Wow, wow, WOW! Hold on a second! You made me the fucking director!

VAL
OK, OK chill man I'm sorry! Your right, go ahead.

DAVE takes a few seconds to cool down.

DAVE
Right so in this scene your character Elaine, cheats on my character with Rob's character.
(points at ROB)
So then I attack you, but you pull out a knife to protect yourself and accidentally stab me.
(points at ELAINE)
And then you get all emotional and shit, alright?... So we all ready to go? (looks at VAL) you ready Val?

VAL
Yep, it's recording.

DAVE
(walks towards ROB)
Right, ACTION! go Rob, it's your line

ROB
Maybe you just didn't satisfy her needs!

DAVE
MOTHER FUCKER, IM GONNA KILL YOU!

ELAINE
No DAVE! don't!

DAVE attacks ROB, but ROB stabs in the lower abdomen.

DAVE
Uhhhh!

ROB
Oh shit!

DAVE FALLS TO THE GROUND.

ELAINE
(drops to her knees)
OH NO, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

ROB drops the knife and runs away.

ELAINE puts on a horrible acting performance.

ROB
(o.s)
Oh my god, are you serious! That's such shit acting.

ELAINE
(gives Val a slight look of surprise)
What the fuck! who the fuck...

ELAINE angrily turns to confront a nervous looking ROB.

ELAINE (CONT'D)
do you think you are!

ROB
A.. better actor then you for one.

ELAINE
NO YOU'RE NOT YOU LITTLE SHIT!

ELAINE then slaps ROB in the face. VAL tries to calm the situation down as he holds the camera up to ROB'S face. ELAINE manages to get another slap in. Then DAVE with the knife in hand, walks towards the scuffle, but is knocked back by ELAINE and then trips over VAL'S foot, which causes him to fall over (a little theatrically) and land on the knife, which pierces his jacket and draws a lot of blood.

ELAINE
Oh god! are you ok?

DAVE turns over to reveal all the blood flowing from his mouth and jacket.

ELAINE
OH GOD! IT'S A REAL FUCKING KNIFE?!

ELAINE puts on a better emotional performance and places her hands over her tearful eyes. ELAINE then slowly looks straight down the lens of the camera.

ELAINE
(looks at VAL)
What.. the fuck are you doing?

DAVE
(sits up)
Relax love, the blood is fake, I injected blood into the left side of my jacket--

ELAINE uses the side of her fist to punch DAVE in the stomach.

DAVE
UHHH!....

DAVE holds his lower abdomen in extreme pain and then coughs like crazy. VAL slowly zooms in on DAVE'S face. DAVE then looks at the camera lens before looking up at VAL.

DAVE
Did... (Cough) did you tell the bitch to hit me?!

VAL
Wow man! don't call her a bitch!

DAVE manages to stand up, and take his bloody jacket off.

DAVE
You did tell the bitch to hit me!

VAL
Man you call her a bitch again and I'll fucking end you!

VAL throws the camera to the ground and breaks it.

DAVE
AWE! My camera! MOTHER FU... YOU KNOW WHAT!

VAL
WHAT!

DAVE
(gets right up in VAL'S face)
Maybe you should put A FUCKING LEASH ON THE BITCH!

VAL
I fucking warned you!

VAL attacks DAVE. DAVE then raises his arms, with the knife in hand and tries to protect himself, but then accidentally slashes VAL'S neck. Blood flies everywhere.

ELAINE
NO!!

DAVE
Oh.. no I didn't mean to...

Now ELAINE really does become an emotional wreck as VAL gargles blood.  

VAL
(looks up at ROB and spits out the blood)
Did you get all that?

CUT TO REVEAL ROB giving VAL the thumbs up. ROB had been secretly shooting the scene with his own steady camera hidden in his bag. ELAINE looks a little dumbfounded.

VAL
(looks at ELAINE and shows her the knife and burst blood capsules)
The knife squirts blood, (provides ELAINE with a big goofy smile) I had to, because I really! wanted your emotion to look real--

ELAINE
(Viciously points at VAL)
No, FUCKING don't!
(then aggressively reaches for VAL)
Actually! you know what! I didn't believe your pain!

VAL
(protects his balls and face)
NO DON'T!

ELAINE then grabs VAL'S hair and yanks the shit out of it.

VAL
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OK OK OK OK!! STOP! STOP! STOP!!

ELAINE then let's go, gets up and leaves.

VAL (CONT'D)
FUUUUUUKKKKkkkkkkkk!

The camera slowly zooms in on VAL'S face.

VAL looks at the lens, then at ROB before taking a swipe at the camera.

VAL
MAN! GET THE FUCK!!


-CUT TO BLACK-



Modified to add word count.


























« Last Edit: May 28, 2015, 08:09:29 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

hillwalker3000

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Re: Short script called Method (Adult content) Word Count 1,191
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2015, 05:39:48 AM »
Constructive feedback:

1. We don't need the elaborate set-up of who's standing where etc. It's a script - stick to the minimum - who's present and what they say.

For example,
All four are preparing to shoot an indie/college movie.
This ^^^ can't be explained visually on-screen unless someone tells the audience that's what they're doing.

Similarly all of this is unnecessary:
In the group of two men, we have the DIRECTOR: DAVE, who is wearing a big bubble jacket, which he fondles as if he has a pair of tits under it. And the other man is the FX GUY: ROB, who wears his backpack on his front.
In the other group, we have the ACTRESS: ELAINE, reading her script and the CAMERAMAN: VAL, adjusting the settings on the camera.

Unless each cast member wears a label how is the viewer meant to know any of this?

2. The script-writer's job is 99% dialogue. Costume decides who wears what. The actors and director decide how the lines are delivered and how the actor acts.

ROB nods and gives VAL a friendly handshake.
I've no idea how Rob is meant to give 'a friendly handshake'
and
DAVE places his hand on ELAINE'S shoulder, which causes her slight discomfort.
How will Elaine show her slight discomfort to the audience?

These body language cues are pointless.

3. People shouting at each other, a mock-stabbing that some of the cast mistook for the real thing, people slapping each other and general mayhem  - I'm afraid none of that did a thing for me.
I appreciate that this is some kind of parody on method acting - where each actor has to experience the emotion he's trying to convey for real if it's to appear authentic. And you obviously know how to present a script in the correct format. But my overall impression - all I could see was a set of cartoon characters speaking cartoon dialogue.

H3K

Offline David McNaboe

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Re: Short script called Method (Adult content) Word Count 1,191
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2015, 07:17:37 AM »
I didn't think it was going to get such bad response but I can completely understand. At least I've learned from it - so time to scrap it and write a better short. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Short script called Method (Adult content) Word Count 1,191
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2015, 08:50:27 AM »
I didn't think it was going to get such bad response but I can completely understand. At least I've learned from it - so time to scrap it and write a better short. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

At least you've responded to criticism with a good deal of grace so well done. That's always appreciated and doesn't go unnoticed.

There's a difference between scrapping something and reworking it into something better. The idea behind the story is fine but your dialogue needs to be much more snappy. Having characters shout and scream at each other doesn't make a scene more exciting. It's also worth noting that dialogue printed in CAPITALS also doesn't make it more dramatic.

Your piece is a great deal better than a lot that's posted on here so don't lose heart. Good luck.

H3K

Offline David McNaboe

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Re: Short script called Method (Adult content) Word Count 1,191
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2015, 04:20:02 PM »
Thanks hillwalker3000 i appreciate it.

Offline Samuel96

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Re: Short script called Method (Adult content) Word Count 1,191
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2015, 08:29:44 PM »
Hi

I'm new to this and after reading your play I like the idea behind it however I don't think the execution is quite there. This could be a very funny play about Method acting while also having serious undertones. I agree with others that the use of capital letters should be changed, I have always felt that a playwright should give as little direction as is possible. Acting is the actors jobs, directing is the directors job. Keep working on this because it's a decent premise and I look forward to seeing more. I also think for this situation there is maybe too much needless swearing.