Author Topic: Joy Past  (Read 985 times)

Offline applepie97

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Joy Past
« on: May 22, 2015, 03:19:55 AM »
Joy Past

Scents of times past fill the air- licorice, peppermint, evergreen
Aromas that transport the mind to another place
A time of love, happiness, and family
So alive in her memory, but yet so distant in reality
She canít see the family from the street
But she hears their laughter
And can sense their joy emanating from the second story window above her
They remind her of the love she once knew
A doting father, a protective mother, even fighting siblings
At one time so easily taken for granted
But now the longing for it is almost too much to bear
It can slip between your fingers while your head is turned
Gone as quick as a butterfly from its cocoon
She lingers listening to the sound of life
Then she scurries on into the night
Back to her world of loneliness

Offline duck

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Re: Joy Past
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2015, 05:29:18 AM »
Hi
Here too I would look to distill the longer more explanative bits, especially those that are abstract and use words that seem to mean something but fail to transport sensory information, emotion or energy. I would certainly drop the last line - why tell the reader what they should understand when actually that is what the poem should have been doing anyway? Trust the readers and also your own imagery - night is a classic metaphor for lonliness or not?
Cut to the chase:
for example:
Licorice, peppermint, evergreen aromas
carry her to a time of love and happiness

let  me explain: scents of time past fill the air is filler,; an awkward explaination for what you go on to say afterwards - and the three scents are real and sensory. transort the mind to another place is also filler and abstract and is told to us in the next line but at least  with deatils that make sense.

Take or leave as you wish.
Dave

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Joy Past
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2015, 07:40:21 AM »
Hi,

I'd like to amplify Dave's point. Not to pile on, but because I think the core of this poem is lovely:

following Dave's lead:

Licorice, peppermint, evergreen aromas
carry her to a time of love and happiness
alive in her memory, yet distant
Joy from a second story window
heard from the street...

Not suggesting any particular word choices or order, just the idea of trimming. There are some beautiful passages and the poem is full of emotional triggers, trust your reader to pick up on them. I do hope you stay at this one.

Marc
« Last Edit: May 22, 2015, 07:51:51 AM by CorneliusPoe »
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline kateD

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Re: Joy Past
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2015, 07:49:43 AM »
Ditto what the others are saying. Some of the imagery is beautiful, but less is more in this case. It reads a little too much like prose. I hope you work with it and post a revision. Somewhere in the sticky posts there are directions for how to post two poems side by side for comparison. I will keep a look out!

Kate

Offline MWL

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Re: Joy Past
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2015, 09:55:29 AM »
I enjoyed reading this poem. I was definitely able to imagine the scene. 

I feel reshaping some of the lines could help. Also, I agree with Dave I would eliminate the last line. I think you did a good job throughout the poem making the reader feel her loneliness.   

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Joy Past
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2015, 11:29:47 AM »
Welcome to MWC.  I hope the feedback so far isn't too much. 8)   They contain lots of good ideas.  The great thing about this site is folks give their opinions and the author is free to evaluate and take what is helpful and disregard the rest. 

For what its worth, here is what I see as the heart of the poem:

Scents fill the air- licorice, peppermint, evergreen.

She canít see the family from the street.
But she hears their laughter
Emanating from the second story window above her.

They remind her of
A doting father, a protective mother, even fighting siblings.

Gone as quick as a butterfly from its cocoon.

She lingers listening
Then she scurries on into the night.
 


These are all your words, and in my view carry the import of the poem better than with the explanatory phrases that are in the original.  If it were my poem, I'd consider ending it with "Gone as quick as a butterfly from its cocoon." 

Just my thoughts.  Nice writing.

Welcome again.

 8)
T