The Observer

[MWL]

The boy blocks out the yelling
by focusing on the blankness
of his mother’s face,
her green eyes downcast
facial muscles relaxed.

Absorbing the words being fired,
she faces every round
without a flinch.

When the yelling stops.
She doesn’t realize
her protective instincts have failed.     

[Tom 10]

Good drama with this.  The conclusion is pointed - and makes the descriptions of the three participants. Bad scene, but good poem.

T

[applepie97]

Loved the conceptualization of a very common (unfortunately) life scene.

[Amie]

I can so relate to S1 (that facial relaxation strategy was one I adopted frequently as a child, when my mother was on a tirade)

For me, S3 is just telling that bit too much. Would be better to have an illustrative action to leads the reader to make the inference, rather than spelling it out.

[duck]

hI
I am being stupid here. i don't get it. How many people are there in the scene? Who is yelling?
In S3, the first line is written with a full stop but is not a sentence so should read either:
When the yelling stops,
she doesn’t realize
her protective instincts have failed.

or
The yelling stops.
She doesn’t realize
her protective instincts have failed. (I would cut the 'have' here)
I would also cut the -ing forms as the simple tense would make the effect more pointed.
Dave

[MWL]

Duck- There are 3 people in the scene, the mother is the one being yelled at.

Thanks for the suggestions. I need to make S3 adjustments, and fix the full stop.

[shadowdrifter]

I  like the first verse, though I struggle to believe his mother's facial muscles would be relaxed especially if she takes the abuse without flinching.  That takes some control and tension.  I also feel you shift the focus from child to mother, when it would be better to keep the "camera" on the boy and how he reacts.  I agree that the third verse could be shown better.

[Amie]

I  like the first verse, though I struggle to believe his mother's facial muscles would be relaxed especially if she takes the abuse without flinching. 

She absolutely could do this. I did this, even as a child. It must be a natural response for some - when you're feeling a lot of pain, you can discover that it's a relief to dissociate yourself from the situation. And your facial muscles relax when you do that.

[CorneliusPoe]

I think the first two stanzas are fine. My gut is that the final would pack real punch if it were a single line declarative statement. The issue I have is I'm not sure of who the target of the assault is. If the boy, then the mother's absorption is an awkward fit. If the mother, than I don't see how the maternal instincts have failed.

I suspect it's the boy from stanza's 1 and 3, the mother's blankness to the abuse of her child is a crazy, but identifiable and real response. If this is the case I think the word, "absorption" needs to go and be replaced something to better indicate passive and defensive neglect.

I of course could be misreading your intent completely.

Marc

[kateD]

By S2, I think it is the mother being yelled at as the boy watches. But I, too, don't see how she has failed her maternal instincts, unless it is simply by not shielding him from her abuse.