Author Topic: Car chase scene from new film  (Read 13513 times)

Offline Chandlers

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Car chase scene from new film
« on: May 14, 2015, 01:45:37 AM »
please give feedback on the what in the script and not how it's presented

Note. Mark and sophie are the good guys david and Tim are the bad guys enjoy

Night fighter

Ext. Int/ext. Morning

The truck drives past the camera and parks on the carb. The camera zooms onto marks car as it drives out of the side of the house and hits the back of the truck

David
Pass the gun!

Tim gives david the gun from the side of the door

Mark
Get down

David leans out of the car and starts shooting at Mark and Sophie

Sophie
Drive

Mark
What?

Sophie
Just Drive!

Mark puts his foot down and Rams the truck nearly onto its side

David
Screw it!

David hits Tim on the head and gets back in the car

David
Drive forward

Tim
Are you Sure?

David
Do it!

Tim
Yes sir

Tim drives the car away from Mark

Sophie
Follow them

Mark follows them down the busy street. David is knocking cars and stalls off the road

Sophie
Where's the gun

Mark
Here

Mark takes out his hand gun from his pocket and gives it to Sophie

Sophie
Be carful

Sophie reloads the gun and leans out of the window

Mark
You two

Sophie try's to shoot davids tyres. Suddenly a huge food truck comes towards them

Mark
Look out!

Mark grabs Sophie's hand and pulls her in. Mark hits the side of a truck and nearly flips over

Mark
God dammit!

Mark quickly over takes him and gets the car back on track

Mark
Are you ok

Sophie looks up at Mark still holding on to marks hand

Sophie
Yeah I'm..I’m fine

Sophie lets go of marks hand and leans back out the window

Mark
Do you see them

Sophie
Yeah over there just get a
Little closer

Mark
I'll try

Mark overtakes two cars and gets right on the over side of David's truck

Sophie
David pull over

David points the gun towards her

Sophie
Oh shit

Mark puts his foot on the brakes and starts to go backwards


Sophie
Bastard

Mark and Sophie are stuck on the Middle of the road

Mark
And I thought me and my family had
Issues

Sophie gets out and slams the door and starts to walk around the car

Sophie
Dammit

Mark gets out and tries to calm her down

Mark
Look don't worry about it we can
Just

Sophie
Just what Mark

Mark
Look just get in the car
And will talk about

Sophie gets back into the car

Sophie
Dammit

Mark gets back into the car and puts the key in to start the car. The engine starts to make loud banging noises


Mark
Hey Sophie

Sophie
Just get out of the car

Mark and Sophie get of the car.

Mark
So what do we do now

Sophie
We go back

Mark
To the cave?

Sophie
Yeah

Mark
No way we got to go stop him

Sophie
We can't the Sun is going down

Mark
But we can't just let him go

Sophie
We know where he's going

Mark
I guess but

Sophie puts her hand around marks back

Sophie
It's ok let's just get back ok

Mark
Ok

Sophie
Good lets go

Mark and Sophie walk away and the camera looks up to the sun that's going down.


hillwalker3000

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Re: Car chase scene from new film
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2015, 10:10:43 AM »
Quote
please give feedback on the what in the script and not how it's presented

I'm not sure what this means. Presumably you want us to ignore the formatting, the typos and the poor grammar and focus on the 'story'? Did you read any of this through after posting? I'm guessing not since that would involve taking a little more time.

Quote
Note. Mark and sophie are the good guys david and Tim are the bad guys enjoy.

I'm also guessing the enjoy is meant to be a joke since there's nothing here to enjoy.
People keep crashing into cars then telling each other to drive. It's hardly going to set Hollywood alight, is it?

I'm sorry but the entire piece is too silly for words. The plot-line is a complete shambles, the dialogue is awful and the entire piece looks as if it took you all of ten minutes to write.

You have a long, long way to go if you're hoping to become a script writer. Posting carelessly presented material like this on-line (filled with cartoon action and monosyllabic dialogue) and not having the good grace to acknowledge whenever someone comments on your work will do your reputation no good whatsoever. I'm wondering what the point of this exercise is meant to be.

H3K

Offline TheOtherAdrian

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Re: Car chase scene from new film
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2015, 04:01:45 AM »
Ooookay. As far as I can see, this is the third "script" you've posted for review. For some reason, hillwalker was patient enough to respond every single time even though you never react to feedback at all, so kudos to him.

You've been told on the two abominations before this one that you should try to format your piece, so your reaction is to... ask us not to comment on your formatting? I think that is, in context, the funniest part of your post. You could try to work that into your script.

Quote
enjoy
Nope.

Quote
Night fighter
That's just there in the third line without any context at all. I assume it's supposed to be some kind of title? For the film? Or maybe it's a kind of abstract stage direction, who knows.

I'm not gonna comment on the rest of that thing. Oh, except "Ext. Int/ext." That's... confusing. But since the whole thing must be a surrealistic piece, I guess it's okay.

Really, if you don't make any effort, even getting the little feedback you've gotten here is a miracle. You obviously don't care what people tell you, you don't comment on other people's work, and you don't even care about your own work enough to go to the store and buy some punctuation marks. Please reconsider what it is you want to gain by posting here.

- Adrian

Offline Chandlers

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Re: Car chase scene from new film
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2015, 02:02:23 PM »
Please read this and tell me what you think

https://onedrive.live.com/redir?page=view&resid=7ACFC0336F4F67B2!166&authkey=!AKUz6vyg-Eh7Ao4

Modified because when I clicked on the link, it said the item no longer existed.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2015, 02:08:16 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

hillwalker3000

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Re: Car chase scene from new film
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2015, 02:11:36 PM »
Please read this and tell me what you think

https://onedrive.live.com/redir?page=view&resid=7ACFC0336F4F67B2!166&authkey=!AKUz6vyg-Eh7Ao4

I'd rather you posted the text on here. Few if anyone on MWC will click on a link from an unknown source.

H3K

Offline Chandlers

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Re: Car chase scene from new film
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2015, 02:12:37 PM »

Offline Laura H

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Re: Car chase scene from new film
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2015, 07:11:05 AM »
Chandlers, we ask that you post work on the forum if you're asking for a review - not post links. This way, we can all learn from the feedback.

Also, you've posted several times asking for critiques. Time to give feedback to others to reciprocate. It's only fair, right?
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty