Author Topic: Rabbit Hole on Wheels  (Read 1760 times)

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8845
Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« on: May 07, 2015, 07:00:00 PM »

 
        Rabbit Hole on Wheels

We know                          body heat
how to do winter
names we place in the dark on                 each other

space opens                 and soft bellies so naked

                    big sky                        naked

its not     the light ahead
that comforts                   but the tunnel.

I pause
     rev the engine
             before letting the clutch, you’re right–
 
                                                        time’s come to Thelma and Louise

                                                                                                        this

                                                                                                        place,

                                                                                                        Bunny.






Offline drab

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3891
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2015, 09:27:56 PM »
Sorry to say I'm not a fan ('Here he goes again!') of people trying to 'paint pretentious pauses'
Missing apostrophe in L6.
Having said that...it's pretty good  :)
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8845
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2015, 09:16:07 AM »
Thanks drab.

Offline kateD

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1910
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2015, 09:44:52 AM »
And just what's wrong with this, below?

Rabbit Hole on Wheels

We know body heat--
how to do winter--
names we place in the dark on each other

space opens and soft bellies so naked--
big sky naked--

its not the light ahead
that comforts                   
but the tunnel.

I pause
rev the engine
before letting the clutch, you’re right–
 
time’s come to Thelma and Louise

this
place,
Bunny.


"names we place in the dark on each other
space opens and soft bellies so naked
big sky naked" -- great lines these are  :)


Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8845
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2015, 09:46:39 AM »
Hi Kate - to answer your question, absolutely nothing - to the extent it's about the layout and formatting.  8)

Thanks for reading & commenting.

T
« Last Edit: May 08, 2015, 09:48:29 AM by Tom 10 »

Offline kateD

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1910
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2015, 09:48:28 AM »
I find all those spaces terribly distracting. Without them, it's a nice verse. :D

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8845
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2015, 09:49:51 AM »
Cool, that's good to know. 
I haven't taken much liberty with page space in perhaps 25 years. 
It wasn't particularly effective then either. ::)

Offline CorneliusPoe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3512
    • Cognitive drift
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2015, 10:04:46 AM »
I know you're already hearing this which makes piling on, just that much more fun — with the aside of the 'Thelma and Louise' bit at the end I simply don't understand the format. I see it a bit in "Big Sky", but not enough to justify the distraction. I like Kate's version with one change:

We know body heat--
how to do winter--
names we place on each other in the dark

flipping prepositions sounds better. I love this passage BTW.

Marc

PS: I thing the em-dashes are distracting. I'd lean in the direction of your suggestion to me and drop them, but I am punctuationally challenged.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2015, 10:07:25 AM by CorneliusPoe »
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Vienna

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7394
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2015, 10:13:56 AM »
I like it Tom.

I can cope with this. After all we are creative people and I think it's good that some people try new ways of putting words on the "page". I don't like poems that have "shape", like Christmas Trees or something. But in this case it doesn't distract from the words. Its a kind of meandering down to the end.

cheers

Richard
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8845
Re: Rabbit Hole on Wheels
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2015, 11:33:15 AM »
Thanks V.   :)