Author Topic: Tears  (Read 5028 times)

Offline kateD

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Re: Tears
« Reply #15 on: May 01, 2015, 04:45:22 PM »
Terrific improvement on the revision. Bravo!
I don't think the 5th S adds anything. Less is more here. IMO

Kate

Offline Jason Fischer

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Re: Tears
« Reply #16 on: May 04, 2015, 01:27:53 PM »
Definitely getting better. Some suggestions:

S1L2: consider "run steadily from wounded eyes". Knowing the color of her eyes doesn't add to the poem, while describing the pain seen in them does.

S1L3-4: That the mc doesn't know why is not really supported by the rest of the poem.

S2: Still love this.  :)

S3: This seems to be dragging things down. It feels too "common" to me. The poem needs what it is saying, but I think it could be said better. Again, think more vivid. Some words that come to mind: battered knees betray untold second chances foolishly spent. That may be overkill, but hopefully you get the idea.

S4L1: "I'm sorry does not atone." This flows off the tongue a little better than "doesn't atone".

I'm with Kate that I don't think you need the other stanza.

Good progress. Keep at it.  :)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Tears
« Reply #17 on: May 08, 2015, 05:52:00 PM »
The revision is a solid upgrade - which isn't always the case.  Good writing.

t