Author Topic: We used to talk all night  (Read 1295 times)

Offline duck

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We used to talk all night
« on: May 05, 2015, 10:34:40 AM »

Do you remember?

We barely knew each other
yet called it knowing, love even.
It felt like flirting, you paused
between words to see my thoughts.

As lovers do, we sought immortality,
peeled back layers , slipped down through
skin and bone, nerves and secrets,
shaped curves out of straight ideas
until the world took on new heat.
Your vanilla scent posed a challenge.
Numerous times my interest hardened
only to wane in the cool dawn air.

We were brave then,
abandoned many old houses
where we had felt safe.
You invented new materials
and I constructed new walls.
 
Sometimes we drank too much,
so the room awoke from its dormancy
travelled unexpected paths  out beyond
ourselves to the plains of Africa,
or the icy water in mountain streams.
We would swim naked, without desire.
 
Othertimes, I fancied myself a willing fish
dangling from your hook until you eased
me back into the flow with a smile.

We promised
not to tame the unknown.
We lied,
but not knowingly.

We talk now too. Don't we?
Even if sometimes our voices
slip anchor, shrill as gulls,
yet soon enough we realise
we still have no answers, nor want to.
You rest your head on my shoulder,
so assured and assuring I Forget
the questions and remember
we used to have to talk all night.

Offline kateD

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2015, 03:38:08 PM »
We talk now too. Don't we?
Even if sometimes our voices
slip anchor, shrill as gulls,
yet soon enough we realise
we still have no answers, nor want to.
You rest your head on my shoulder,
so assured and assuring I Forget
the questions and remember
we used to have to talk all night.

Dave, this is really terrific. The whole thing flows beautifully and sums up the course(s) of a long lasting relationship. I can't see a nit here. I especially love this last S. :)
Kate

Offline Tom 10

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2015, 08:01:12 PM »

Wonderful poem, Dave.  You really hit one right note after another with this.  Its hard to get right the nuances of a long term relationship, how it builds by a combination of accretion and surprise.  This poem does well, very well, with capturing and communicating the substance of N's relationship.  I particularly love S.7, so much so that I think it would make a marvelous last stanza, but the order works as is, and the last stanza is very good too.  Just saying.  I'd suggest considering whether S.2 L.1 might profitably be deleted, but nothing else occurs in the way of messing with this poem.

T


Offline duck

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 03:28:14 AM »
Hi Kat and Tom
Thanks for the positive resonance. I was not sure, it is a topic I visited before - though that is a coincidence - albeit this is more positive than the other times.
I can see the merit of losing the line you mention Tom, would indeed perhsps be better and S7 I like but worry it contradicts the last S, though when did a relationship not contradict itself.
Dave

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2015, 07:05:38 AM »
Hey Dave,

Add me to the fan list. I think S2 is my favorite passage among an abundance of wonderful writing. No nits beautiful poem.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline Mark T

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2015, 07:21:49 AM »

The writing in this feels more mature or sophisticated somehow. S2 is indeed terrific, excellent work, Dave.



Offline shadowdrifter

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2015, 01:56:41 PM »
Excellent writing Dave, but I agree with Tom re: v2 L1.  Maybe delete "as lovers do"

I also wonder if you need 'but not knowingly'  or if you feel you need it, how about 'unknowingly'

Offline drab

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Re: We used to talk all night
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2015, 09:12:43 PM »
The only crit is a typo, L7 last S  :)
Really beautiful piece...I was moved.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.