Author Topic: part of my short comedy action film vigilante  (Read 6188 times)

Offline Chandlers

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part of my short comedy action film vigilante
« on: May 06, 2015, 01:50:42 PM »





Vigilante





Screenplay by
Chandler edwards

(Sorry about the format it just pasted this way)

A compilation of crime and violence fill the screen. Mark starts to narrate

Mark
Crime, violence it sucks it
Sucks hard and what your seeing is
Happening right In my small
Town and instead of doing anything about
It Im here

The crime and violence stops and cuts to mark sitting in his math class getting shouted at

Mark
Getting shouted at by my math
 Teacher For missing a decimal point
Everyone thinks maybe one day it will end
And all crime will be gone but maybe
What this town needs is a someone to
Step up someone that can look at all
The crime and just say..
 FUCK THIS!

(title)

Ext. Marks house. Midday

Mark walks into his house looking bored and depressed. He walks into his living room to see his dad

Mark
Hey dad

Marks dad is sitting on his rocking chair watching tv smoking a cigar in a smoke filled room

Dad
Oh hey son

Mark
So what's up

Dad
Oh nothing much

Mark
Oh Ok well bye

Dad
Bye son

Mark starts to walk up the stairs into his dad starts to talk again
Dad
Oh bye the way your grandma died
 this morning

Mark
What gram died

Dad
Yeah sorry son

Mark
How?

Dad
Oh someone tried to mug her
Last night and we'll she had
A heart attack

Mark
Oh my god how are you
So relaxed about this

Dad
Well she was sixty two years
Old for God shake

Mark
That's not that old

Dad
It's not

Mark
No it's not

Dad
Oh well.. sorry son

Ext. Marks bedroom. Night

Mark is looking out of his window towards two street racers that are robbing a teenage girl with a knife

Mark
Fuck this

Mark runs down stairs he pulls of the stick part of a broom and puts his dad's Hat around his face so no one will no who he is.

He walks out side with his stick and goes towards the street drivers. Mark starts to narrate
Mark
Time to make a difference to this
Town time to stand up

Mark shouts out to one of the street drivers

Mark
Hey you leave this town or I will

The street driver turns to him and points his gun to Mark. Mark falls backwards onto the floor

Mark
Oh shit

Mark runs back to his house. He starts to narrate again

Mark
Ok that didn’t work.. time to try
 Smaller

Cut to. Primary school kids bullying a little kid on the play ground

Mark
HEY STOP!

Kid 1
Hey fuck you wonder nerd

Kid 2
Get him

The kids chase Mark around the playground.

Mark narrates

Mark
A bit smaller

Cut to. Mark standing out side a house giving a five year old girl back her missing cat

Mark
Here you go

Little girl
Keep him

The little girl slams the door on Mark

Ext. Cinema. Morning

Marks sitting next to his friend jim watching a film.

Jim
So how's the crime fighting
Going

Mark
Not good

Jim
That me guess you got
Butt fucked by a gang of horny
 truck drivers

Mark
Fuck you

The film starts to play. The room is silent besides one guy wearing a suit talking to someone on his phone

Guy
I'm sure he will take the
Offer

Mark turns to Jim

Mark
I hate this arsehole

Jim
Just ignore him

Mark
I can't he’s speaking so loud

Jim
I don't know what to do..
How about you stop it

Mark
Maybe I will

Jim
Cause you will

Mark
I will


Jim
Than do it

Mark
I will

Mark leans his head down next to the guy

Mark
Hey could you please be quite

Guy
What?

Mark
I was just asking if you could
Make less noise

Guy
I don't think so buddy

Mark
(Whispering)
Dick

The guy stands up looking mad

Guy
What did you call me

Mark
Nothing

Jim leans in

Jim
(Chewing)
He sad you’re a dick

Mark
What?

The guy goes to punch Mark but Mark ducks and the guy hits his hand on the chair

Guy
Fuck!


Mark
Oh dude are you okay

Mark grabs his hand to see if he's okay

Guy
No get away

The guy steps back and accidentally trips and falls back

Guy
Fuck

Mark
Man are you ok

Guy
No get back I'm serious

Jim stands up

Jim
Mark

Mark
Yeah

Jim
We should go

Mark
Yeah good idea

Mark steps over the guy

Mark
Sorry about this

Guy
Screw you

Ext. High school. Morning

The bell goes and all the kids are walking out of there classes. You can hear all of them talking about what Mark did

Teenager 1
Hey did you hear about
The fight Mark won


Teenager 2
Mark casey

Teenager 1
No Mark Jones

Teenager 2
No way

Teenager 1
Way

hillwalker3000

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Re: part of my short comedy action film vigilante
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 05:36:59 PM »
Oh dear. This is dreadful.

Aside from the abundance of careless typos and weak dialogue the plot is more comic book or computer game than movie, to be honest. It's also worth pointing out that there is a forum on here for scripts - under the heading Review My Script.

From what I can gather a nerdy schoolboy lives in a parallel universe to ours where crimes are continually being committed wherever he looks. He takes time out to perform a voice-over about how much crime sucks. Then he tries to stop two street drivers (whatever they are) robbing a teenage girl at knifepoint. He does all this armed with a broomstick and his father's hat.

Really? There's nothing here worth a second look.

I'm not sure where the comedy fits in, by the way. The scene where the father announces that grandma is dead is the worst of a rather muddled set of disjointed events. How do you expect anyone to take this seriously?

You have a lot of work ahead of you to make the idea behind this work.
Nerdy Schoolboy transforms into Vigilante Superhero?
Maybe start by working on character development and realistic dialogue rather than relying on cartoon action.

H3K


Offline Chandlers

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Re: what about this one
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 09:36:56 PM »
Jesse: Well, you know, for instance, you have ideas that you ordinarily wouldn't have.

Céline: What kind of ideas?

Jesse: You want to hear one?

Céline: Yeah, tell me.

Jesse: Alright, uh, I had this idea, okay?

Céline: Um-hmm...

Jesse: For a television show. Some friends of mine are these cable access producers, do you know what that is, cable access? (Céline shakes her head.) Umm, I dunno...Anybody can produce a show real cheap, and they have to put it on. Right? And I have this idea for this show that would last twenty-four hours a day for a year straight, right? What you do, is you get three hundred and sixty-five people from cities all over the world, to do these twenty-four hour documents of real time, right, capturing life as it‘s lived. Um, you know, it would start with uh, a guy waking up in the morning, and, uh, you know, taking the long shower, eating a little breakfast, making a little coffee, you know, and, uh, reading the paper.

Céline: Wait, wait. All those mundane, boring things everybody has to do every day of their fucking life?

Jesse: I was going to say the poetry of day to day life, but (Celine starts laughing) you know, you say the way you say it, I'll say it the way I say it...

Céline: (Laughs.) I like that.

Jesse: No listen, think about it like this...

Céline: Who's gonna want to watch this?

Jesse: Well, alright, think about it like this. Why is it, that a dog, you know, sleeping in the sun, is so beautiful? You know, it is, it‘s beautiful, you know, but a guy, standing at a bank machine, trying to take some money out, looks like a complete moron?

Céline: So, it‘s like a National Geographic program, but on people?

Jesse: Yeah!

Céline: Hmm.

Jesse: What do you think?

Céline: Yeah, I can. (Laughs.) I can. (Laughs.) I can see it. Like twenty-four boring hours, sorry, and like a three minute sex scene, where he falls asleep right after, no?

Jesse: Yeah, you know I mean, and...I mean, that would be a GREAT episode.

Céline: Yeah.

Jesse: People would talk about that episode. I mean, you and your friends could do one in Paris, if you wanted to, I mean.

Céline: Oh, sure.

Jesse: I dunno, the key, the key (squints his eyes as if perplexed)...thing that kind of haunts me is the distribution, you know. I mean, getting these tapes from town to town, city to city, so that they could play continuously, ‘cause it would have to play all the time, or else it just wouldn't work.

(Waiter approaches the table, hands them menus.)

Céline: Thank you.

Jesse: Thanks. (Pause, while waiter walks away. The camera begins to pan out, as his voice fades out.) You know what? Not service-oriented. It‘s just, I don't know, an observation about Europe.

(Scene fades, then returns to lounge car an unknown amount of time later.)

Céline: You know my parents have never really spoken of the possibility of my falling in love, or getting married, or having children. Even as a little girl, they wanted me to think of a future career, as a, you know, as an interior designer, or a lawyer, or something like that. I'd say to my dad, “I want to be a writer.” and he'd say, “journalist.” I'd say I wanted to have a refuge for stray cats, and he'd say, “veterinarian.” I'd say I wanted to be an actress, and he'd say, “TV newscaster.” It was this constant conversion of my fanciful ambition into these practical, money-making ventures.

Jesse: Hmm. I always had a pretty good bullshit detector when I was a kid, you know. I always knew when they were lying to me, you know? By the time I was in high school, I was dead set on listening to what everybody thought I should be doing with my life, and just kind of (shakes head, shrugs shoulders) doing just the opposite.

Céline: Mm-hmm.

Jesse: No one was ever mean about it. It‘s just, I could never get very excited about other people's ambitions for my life.

Céline: But you know what, if your parents never really fully contradict you about anything, and like are basically nice, and supportive...

Jesse: Right...

Céline: It makes it even harder to officially complain. You know, even when they're wrong, it‘s this, it‘s this passive-aggressive shit, you know what I mean, it‘s... I hate it, I really hate it.

hillwalker3000

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Re: part of my short comedy action film vigilante
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2015, 05:41:17 AM »
For what it's worth your second piece reads much better - like it was written by a completely different person. But there's not a lot happening, is there?

H3K

Offline Chandlers

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What about this one please give feedback
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2015, 10:10:59 AM »
Mark and Sophie are walking down there old street

Mark
So do you miss this place

Sophie
God no you

Mark
Well

Sophie
Or come on

Mark
Well I grew up here

Sophie
Hey I did to

They walk past there old cinema that got closed down

Mark
Oh so you don't miss this place

Sophie
Well I give you that this place is pretty sweet

Mark
Good times

Sophie
Heh so is your script going good

Mark
Oh yeah it's going great

Sophie
Really?

Mark
No

Sophie
Oh

Mark
My problem is is make films no one wants to see

Sophie
Tell me one

Mark
No

Sophie
Come on

Mark
No way

Sophie
I won't make fun of it

Mark
Trust me you will

Sophie
I promise look see I cross my heart

Mark
Fine

Sophie
Yes

Mark
Ok so you know God

Sophie
I've heard of him

Mark
Good so it's about his book

Sophie
The bible

Mark
Yeah so he reads it and he thinks it makes
Him sound angry and mean so he writes a follow up

Sophie
To the bible?

Mark
Yeah

Sophie
Ok I like it

Mark
No you don't

Sophie
So is it a cartoon

Mark
No it's a musical

Sophie starts to laugh really loudly

Mark
Oh thanks

Sophie
I'm sorry




hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: part of my short comedy action film vigilante
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2015, 10:49:45 AM »
I'm guessing, from the complete lack of response to any feedback you've received on here so far, that you're not looking for any advice. Good luck with your script writing in that case.

H3K