Author Topic: Nelson - 725 words  (Read 15546 times)

Offline Magdiel

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Nelson - 725 words
« on: March 30, 2015, 05:25:18 PM »
Yet another one of these pointless scripts that'll probably never get produced (or rather, the first three pages of it). This time, I've decided not to take this one so seriously. Yes, the script breaks a few rules, yes, there's a character named after me, but this is mostly an exercise in ridicule. Enjoy... or not.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The place is filled with 12th grade students in black and blue uniforms mingling amongst themselves.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
I know what you're thinkin'. What's so special about these people? Well, nothing. But look closer.

NELSON, a 17-year old with a beard that looks like it came straight from the Motherland, sits at a chair near the back of the classroom, writing on a notebook.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
There. That kid. That kid's name...

Nelson stops writing and looks forward, at which point everything stops.

SUPER: The word "Nelson" in a spectacular fashion.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
Is Nelson.

Time resumes normally, as Nelson looks back down toward his notebook and continues writing.

MAGDIEL (V.O)
And now you must be wondering: "what's so special about THIS guy?" Well
(beat)
nothing, really.

EXT. SCHOOLYARD - DAY

TODDLER NELSON, who has a similar, yet smaller beard to his older self, stands at the school entrance a backpack on him.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
He came into this school at about five.

Toddler Nelson merely stands there, a terrified expression on his face as he stares at the huge, gothic entry gate. He then faints and falls backwards.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

KID NELSON, basically a tad larger Toddler Nelson, mingles with a few other students of his own age.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
He got along with a few people.

EXT. SCHOOL HALLWAY, SECOND FLOOR - DAY

A group of large, muscular bullies drag a struggling Kid Nelson towards the edge of the hallway.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
Others... not so much.

The bullies throw Kid Nelson off the second floor, who lets out a high-pitched scream as he falls.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

Nelson's TWO PARENTS sit by a crying Kid Nelson with a half-body cast.

MAGDIEL (V.O)
Still, his parents always had his back.

KID NELSON
Billy's a total ass.

NELSON'S DAD
Yes, yes he is.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Nelson stands at the cafeteria line, a tray in hand and FIVE PEOPLE in front.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
But there's one thing that Nelson wants above all else. Oh, and I lied. There IS something special about him.

Suddenly, he hears the click of a can opening. Everything slows. Nelson's heartbeat becomes audible as it beats increasingly faster. His now bloodshot, constricted eyes start scanning the room. Seconds later, he finds his destiny: a can of Malta India, held by a CHILD STUDENT at the other end of the room.

He lets out an ear-shattering roar. He then leaps from the line and onto a cafeteria table. He starts sprinting across the table, flailing his arms like a rabid gorilla. He kicks a plate into A PERSON's face, then slams his lunch tray into ANOTHER PERSON's face as he makes his way across the table.

He leaps onto another table, and starts to sprint across it. Halfway across it, he trips on a pancake, making him wildly tumble across the other half of the table, knocking over several plates of assorted food items.
He rolls off the table, covered in cheese and ketchup stains, and lands right next to the child student with the Malta India.

NELSON
(in a monstrous growl)
Give!

The terrified child student slowly extends his Malta towards him. Nelson quickly stands and yanks it away from him. He opens the can, looks to the sky and pours it all over his face like an animal. As he does this, he is tased and falls to the ground. There's a SECURITY GUARD standing behind him.

NELSON
(whispering)
Glorious.

The guard tases him once again, knocking Nelson unconscious.

INT. INFIRMARY - DAY

Nelson sits at a chair, still out cold. His eyes then open. There's a NURSE sitting on a chair, facing towards him, writing on a clipboard.

NELSON
Hello?

NURSE
Oh, you're up.

NELSON
What happened?

NURSE
You had another episode.

NELSON
Did I hurt anyone?

NURSE
Um...

The nurse looks down at her clipboard. On it is a paper with "Kyle Armstrich - 6th grade - broken nose" and "Fred Dillinger - 7th grade - black eye" written on it. She nervously clenches the clipboard and brings it to her chest.

NURSE
No, but a poor kid lost his
(beat)
drink.

NELSON
Oh, okay.

The COUNSELOR walks into the room.

COUNSELOR
Is that the kid?

NURSE
Yes.

COUNSELOR
Come with me, let's have a little talk.
Pentatonix will rule the music industry one day... I hope.

Offline voiceoreason82

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2015, 08:12:11 AM »
I thought this was a funny scene.  It reminds me of the opening of Borderlands when they introduce the characters.  I would say that the voice overs don't seem entirely necessary.  They don't add any comedic value or tell the viewer anything they can't see for themselves.  The caveat would be if you're planning on using a narrator for more important parts later on then it would be okay to use one now just for continuity.
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Offline Gyppo

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2015, 09:42:18 AM »
Continuity error?    He hears the cap opening, and a few lines later - after his rampage across the tables -  he grabs it and opens it again ;-)
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Offline voiceoreason82

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2015, 11:02:33 AM »
Ha good catch.
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Offline Magdiel

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2015, 02:31:13 PM »
Continuity error?    He hears the cap opening, and a few lines later - after his rampage across the tables -  he grabs it and opens it again ;-)
It's one'a those newfangled multi-cap cans. Enjoy a good drink, and exercise your fingers while you're at it! (Either that or I just can't be bothered.)
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Offline Lucas_Knight

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2015, 04:14:14 PM »
Hey,

I enjoyed reading this very much and literally laughed out loud at some of the dialogue. You have a very good idea here and would love to read more.

Offline amy_films

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2015, 10:18:33 AM »
I was able to visualise this easily so you've written it well in order for me to do that :)

LOVE the beard.

I quite like the narration - I think it adds charm

This line however:-

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
But there's one thing that Nelson wants above all else. Oh, and I lied. There IS something special about him.


I think it's a little obvious that the reason the narrator has 'lied' is so you could give Nelsons childhood story - It definitely feels like a structure tool rather than story substance so maybe try to mask this tool a little more, perhaps change the 1st line...

And now you must be wondering: "what's so special about THIS guy?" Well
(beat)
nothing, really
.


Could you maybe say something like:

And now you must be wondering: "what's so special about THIS guy?" Well
(beat)
nothing glaringly obvious I guess...


I think this would make your audience believe you're sarcastically referring to the glaringly obvious beard which you've also made a point of referencing in the opening of your toddler Nelson flashback.

And then when we come back to present day, you don't really need to use this line:

Oh, and I lied. There IS something special about him.

You lead your viewer into thinking that there is maybe more to him than a beard with just the simple "But there's one thing that Nelson wants above all else"

I think it would add comedic value to your narrator who just happened to accidentally-on-purpose neglect to mention Nelsons outrageous, animal-like outbursts...

They're my thoughts anyway!

You've got my interest so good start, well done

Offline dawalker17uk

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2015, 07:09:00 AM »
I quite enjoyed this.
As above, I felt you could do without the voice over but I like the NELSON character.
It has a ME, Myself and Irene esque feel about it but from this starting point you could take it in many different directions.
I love the randomness of the cafeteria scene, the pure animal-ism of it, random is always funny (well, I find anyway), and that he has an amazing beard.
Ditto, that I would also like to read more on this.

Offline Magdiel

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Re: Nelson - 725 words
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2015, 01:15:43 PM »
Ah, it's good to finally have a break from college. I'm flattered that people took this so well. I mean, it's just a  little scene that I wrote in under a half-hour.

As for the narrator, I wanted to make him present from the start, because there are a few scenes where I was thinking Nelson ought to interact with Magdiel, maybe reacting adversely to something Magdiel says about him.
Example:

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
...but of course he wouldn't.
Nelson has never been one
to brag. Not that he would
have much to brag about.

Nelson looks angrily toward the ceiling, then storms out of the room.

MAGDIEL (V.O.)
What? What'd I say? Aw,
c'mon man, we still need
you here.

Pentatonix will rule the music industry one day... I hope.