Author Topic: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C  (Read 2786 times)

Offline Xcruff

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Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C
« on: June 29, 2015, 04:35:46 PM »
As much as I would like to give feedback I am a complete AMATEUR to writing in general not only this is my first time writing in years it could be the first story I have written since high school forced me to do so. So In a sense my feedback would be meaningless since it would be coming from a guys with nothing on his plate except this script

About the script is that I thought that the character development was a bit tad too childish, what I was going for is a cartoonish like development but I think it became childish. So please don't hold back with your criticism no matter how harsh it is. So enjoy





Working Title



















Written By:

Some guy

FADE IN:

INT. EDWARD'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

EDWARD HUMPRY, a disgruntled ordinary guy living a day to day basis.

EDWARD prepares a cereal at 2 am with a complimentary instant coffee

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. EDWARD'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

EDWARD mindlessly entered his bedroom as he notices something is amiss

CUT TO:
INT. BLACK ROOM

Before EDWARD could realize that he was not in his room everything disappeared from his sight the only thing remains is a dimly lit square table with 2 chairs at the opposite end and a man seated whose face is hidden by the shadow cast by the dim light bulb.

EDWARD
      Uhm... do you want some cereal?

MAN
      Please take a seat Mr. Edward I would
      Like to play a game with you, well a
      series of games if you will.

EDWARD comfortably sits and places the cereal aside as the MAN places a chess board on the table.

EDWARD
      As calm as I look I am actually freaking out
      right now. Who are you? And where am I?

MAN
      Let us not bother with mundane questions
      Mr. Edward if you follow my instructions and
      answer all of my questions everything will be well.


The chessboard is set and ready for a game.

MAN
      Would you prefer to go first Mr. Edward?

EDWARD
      Hmm... No you go first

The MAN calmly moved the pawn from c2 to c4, EDWARD moved his own from c7 to c5, and the MAN unexpectedly moved another pawn from d2 to d4 blocking EDWARD'S pawn in a wall-like manner.

As EDWARD wonders why his opponent did made such a move he remembers-

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

INT. GROCERY STORE - AFTERNOON

EDWARD with his annoyed eyebrows and slightly grit teeth is in front of an obvious homosexual couples named MIKE and ANTHONY who are busy flirting with one another in a cramp aisle in the grocery store

MIKE
      What are you looking at? You homophobe!
      cant stand to see two man in love? Well
      we wont stop so you better start walking!

ANTHONY
      Oh stop it baby, don't mind the little angry boy.        
      I love you baby and that's all that matte-

EDWARD rudely cut his sentence off

EDWARD
      LOOK! I don't care if you date a guy
      a girl or even an alien from outer space
      But if you're going to block me from the last
      box of coco cereal we're going to have
      a problem YOU QUEERS!

The two taken aback by EDWARD'S shouting. They silently made way for EDWARD. As he passes the couple EDWARD lets out an angry GRUNT.

As EDWARD is closing in on the cereal reaching his hand out a little girl cuts from the side and took the last box of cereal. EDWARD with despair blatantly showing as the two, MIKE and ANTHONY watches in sympathy.

MIKE
      Uh... look It is clearly our fault that
      you didn't get your cereal so here take ours

As soon as the cereal box is handed out to EDWARD his face lit up with happiness

ANTHONY
      Yeah, you got mad at us for good reasons
      we're really sorry

EDWARD
      What? Really? Wow. Now I feel bad for
      shouting at you guys. I must say sorry to
      you guys as well, I mean I did say some
      really hurtful things. So I am really sorry

MIKE
      Oh Don't worry, just enjoy your cereal
      and have a nice day

EDWARD
      Thank you. You guys are really great,
      sorry again if I shout at you

EDWARD walks away from the delighted couple with happiness and a cereal box in his hand. Intrigue by the facts written at the box of his favorite cereal as he notices a kid looking at HIS cereal with a crooked eyebrow made from the kid's sadness.

EDWARD
(sigh)
      Here kid you can have it

The kid quickly grabs his cereal and ran off and disappeared in the bustling grocery store.

FLASH BACK END


Thats all I have written for now as you can see my choice of words I think is a bit childish, should I change it to a much more harsher words like when he shout at the couple should I change his shout to "You f*** Faggots" for the sake of his character?

« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 06:18:41 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2015, 06:22:20 PM »
Hi Xcruff, I modified your post to add the word count. Didn't touch anything else.

It's always nice to see a new member eager to take part in our forum.

Please take a moment to introduce yourself on the Welcome Board before posting any more:
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There are guidelines on the prose and poetry boards. Youíll find them on the left hand menu when you open the board, titled something such as Read This First and marked with a blue stick pin.

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Offline Xcruff

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Re: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C 667 word count
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2015, 06:58:42 PM »
Sorry If I missed a few rules, when I registered I jump in directly to review my script and read the Sticky thread.

I did everything in your reply but I have a few questions

-does the 1 post per day in the Review My Work section applies here?
-I'm not really confident on giving out criticism can I hold the 3 comments I'm suppose to give? until I learn a lot more in writing of course

If I missed anything else please tell me. Thanks again for the welcome :D

hillwalker3000

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Re: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2015, 07:22:17 PM »
You're writing a script - so your job involves 99% dialogue. The director will decide on the details of how your character appears on-screen.

EDWARD HUMPRY, a disgruntled ordinary guy living a day to day basis. Impossible to show this on-screen so pointless mentioning it.

EDWARD prepares a cereal at 2 am with a complimentary instant coffee I have no idea what you mean by this.

EDWARD mindlessly entered his bedroom as he notices something is amiss. Again, none of this can be shown on-screen. 'mindlessly'? Will he be wearing a label with this word on it maybe?


I could go on - but I'd be repeating myself. It's a script. Where's the dialogue? When we finally get to it I'm mildly intrigued but you can't keep adding irrelevant asides like 'Edward comfortably sits'. If he sits he sits - the way he sits is up to the actor and director to figure out. Your job is to put words in the characters' mouths that tells a story.

I'll admit that once you began detailing the chess moves my eyes glazed over. Ingmar Bergman's 'The Seventh Seal' features a similar scenario and isn't especially fun to watch. But the main problem is that your plot made no sense to me. You mention cartoonish but I've seen several cartoons where at least the writer has attempted to create a believable storyline.

There's some nonsense about being awake in the middle of the night and playing chess with some unknown stranger. Then Edward has a flashback where he sees a gay couple in the store and screams abuse at them because they delay his attempt to buy some cereal? So they apologise and live happily ever after. And that's it?

Maybe I'm missing something but this didn't work for me on any level. Just one opinion - use or lose.

H3K

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C 667 word count
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2015, 08:29:39 PM »
Sorry If I missed a few rules, when I registered I jump in directly to review my script and read the Sticky thread.

I did everything in your reply but I have a few questions

-does the 1 post per day in the Review My Work section applies here?
-I'm not really confident on giving out criticism can I hold the 3 comments I'm suppose to give? until I learn a lot more in writing of course

If I missed anything else please tell me. Thanks again for the welcome :D

It's a good idea to read the guideline for this board. Here they are:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3425.0

You'll find that most of our boards have their own guidelines. They can be easily found when you first open the board. Look on the left hand side at the subjects being held in place by blue stick pins.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Xcruff

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Re: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2015, 08:46:51 PM »
You're writing a script - so your job involves 99% dialogue. The director will decide on the details of how your character appears on-screen.

EDWARD HUMPRY, a disgruntled ordinary guy living a day to day basis. Impossible to show this on-screen so pointless mentioning it.

EDWARD prepares a cereal at 2 am with a complimentary instant coffee I have no idea what you mean by this.

EDWARD mindlessly entered his bedroom as he notices something is amiss. Again, none of this can be shown on-screen. 'mindlessly'? Will he be wearing a label with this word on it maybe?


I could go on - but I'd be repeating myself. It's a script. Where's the dialogue? When we finally get to it I'm mildly intrigued but you can't keep adding irrelevant asides like 'Edward comfortably sits'. If he sits he sits - the way he sits is up to the actor and director to figure out. Your job is to put words in the characters' mouths that tells a story.

I'll admit that once you began detailing the chess moves my eyes glazed over. Ingmar Bergman's 'The Seventh Seal' features a similar scenario and isn't especially fun to watch. But the main problem is that your plot made no sense to me. You mention cartoonish but I've seen several cartoons where at least the writer has attempted to create a believable storyline.

There's some nonsense about being awake in the middle of the night and playing chess with some unknown stranger. Then Edward has a flashback where he sees a gay couple in the store and screams abuse at them because they delay his attempt to buy some cereal? So they apologise and live happily ever after. And that's it?

Maybe I'm missing something but this didn't work for me on any level. Just one opinion - use or lose.

H3K


That is a lot to process and thank you, I guess I was way over my head to try and create a script right out of the fly. Guess I have to read a lot more but I get your point to just be straight to the point and no stupid remarks like disgruntled or comfortably.

So all in all I have a lot to work on. Thank you for your time.

Offline dawalker17uk

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Re: Hello I'm new and I have a Script W/C
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2015, 08:11:58 AM »
Hi xcruff,

I don't quite know what to make of it but there are parts that I liked.
The surreal nature of the black room with the table and the chess match could be taken in a psychological or sci-fi direction.
I also liked the drive your main character had for the cereal but his dialogue doesn't make sense to me.
If he isn't a homophobe then why call them "queers"? I understand his anger and frustration but I cant really see a guy being that insulting or using such language if he isn't. Fair enough if he is but I wouldn't them have him apologise, I'd suggest more of an indignant attitude. Also, I cant see a supermarket running out of cereal, especially a popular item, a tool to stoke his anger and get him fired up could be that just before he enters the aisle someone else is coming out with a trolley full of his favorite cereal. This is also quite surreal and begs the question "why would someone buy all that cereal?" you can answer it or you can leave it hanging. I think it would be funnier to show his horror at this but give no explanation, it would only serve to make him angrier and it would explain why he is so insulting to the couple.
However, I like the interaction between the couple, it seems quite likely that some people are more forgiving than others and I could see something similar to this happening in the real world.
Giving the cereal to the kid is a nice thing but it does nothing to redeem him as the action is now out of character within the context described and would be a whole lot funnier if he just kept it and snubbed the child, like he is relay still just a child himself. This could be part of his journey.
Where are you thinking of going with it?

David