Author Topic: Revision - "Broken Horses" (976 words)  (Read 6848 times)

Wolfe

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2015, 12:18:18 PM »
You're missing Migg's point. When you ask for feedback, it's not your place to 'single out' anyone. If you dislike the feedback, the professional response is to say thank you or nothing at all. Offsite, you decide how or if you use the feedback. Finally, if you feel the responder is out of line, please private message a moderator.

It's their job to fix that issue.

Not yours.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2015, 12:20:36 PM by Wolfe »

Offline Moscow_Chad

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2015, 12:37:00 PM »
Noted.

Swallowing bitter pills is the duty of any writer honestly seeking improvement.  I've swallowed many.  Sorry if I responded inappropriately when I started feeling less like a patient seeking diagnosis and more like a punching bag being worked over.

Offline MiggsEye

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2015, 12:43:48 PM »
MiggsEye - I gladly offer a mea culpa, but my tone is no more off-putting than HW3s.  He certainly has some valuable insights, some of which I have been happy to receive and put to use.  But there's a reason I singled out his 'constructive criticism' from that of everyone else, who have mostly echoed many of the things he's offered, albeit in less acid tones.

Fair enough.

I still think its best (as Wolfe has echoed) to temper one's response to criticism that is either difficult to receive or, perhaps, less than delicate in presentation. Nonetheless, you're a big boy (I'm assuming you're male from your name) and you can do what you want. However, critiquing the critiquer is usually not how it works. You may lose people's interest in your work, if not all feedback is welcome nor received well.
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try” — Dr. Seuss

Offline MiggsEye

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2015, 12:46:31 PM »
Noted.

Swallowing bitter pills is the duty of any writer honestly seeking improvement.  I've swallowed many.  Sorry if I responded inappropriately when I started feeling less like a patient seeking diagnosis and more like a punching bag being worked over.

Been there.

Chin up! Take your licks and push all that experience back into your work. Cheers.

P.S. See... you've already grown. Right here. Today. Bravo.  :)
« Last Edit: March 08, 2015, 12:49:30 PM by MiggsEye »
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try” — Dr. Seuss

Offline Moscow_Chad

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2015, 12:59:54 PM »

Chin up! Take your licks and push all that experience back into your work. Cheers.


This could be the inspiration for my next great work! Struggling writer achieves success despite crippling adversity!!!  I'll bet no one has ever tackled that theme before  :D

Offline MiggsEye

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2015, 01:24:45 PM »
This could be the inspiration for my next great work! Struggling writer achieves success despite crippling adversity!!!  I'll bet no one has ever tackled that theme before  :D

Consider toning down your use of exclamation points.  ;D
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try” — Dr. Seuss

hillwalker3000

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2015, 02:28:31 PM »
No need to apologise. It's the Dan Brown comment that really hurt - as if I'd rather read his dross than your work.

You'll always find opinions that contradict each other - here and in the big wide world. You'll also hear stuff you'd rather not have to (if you ask for honest opinions in the first place). My acidic tone was probably due to the difficulty I had digesting your writing. But for the record I'll not waste any more of my time in future commenting on your work.

Good luck with your endeavours.

H3K

Offline MiggsEye

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2015, 02:47:35 PM »
No need to apologise. It's the Dan Brown comment that really hurt - as if I'd rather read his dross than your work.

You'll always find opinions that contradict each other - here and in the big wide world. You'll also hear stuff you'd rather not have to (if you ask for honest opinions in the first place). My acidic tone was probably due to the difficulty I had digesting your writing. But for the record I'll not waste any more of my time in future commenting on your work.

Good luck with your endeavours.

H3K

Cue the Brady Bunch brass. WAH, wahhhh.
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try” — Dr. Seuss

Offline Vogel

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2015, 04:39:52 PM »
Moscow Chad: Wouldn't you rather be a part of a site where you could expect honest feedback, no matter the tone, than participate in another where you had to wonder whether or not the praise you received was honest?

Once you get used to his bite  ;), you'll be glad to see him coming. You know he's going to give it to you straight. And most of the time, he tells you pretty much what you need to hear. I know from experience.

Offline Moscow_Chad

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2015, 05:56:31 PM »
I think some of you are assuming my feelings are hurt because I got negative feedback.  On the contrary.  My snarky reply to HW3 was neither a defense of my story nor a rebuttal of his critiques.  In fact, I openly admit he doles out pretty sound advice for the most part.  As do most of the commenters in this thread, almost all of whom post have posted critical comments.  I only took issue with his tone.  I have listened to and accepted the honest feedback of every other person in this thread, all of whom have basically echoed the same basic shortcomings of the story.  They just did it with more tact.

Anyway, Hillwalker3000, I do welcome your advice, even if it is brutal and searing.  That has never been what my comment was about.

Offline fire-fly

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2015, 06:54:09 PM »
OK boys and girls, back to playing nicely in the sandpit please.  ;)
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline kittykatr

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #26 on: March 10, 2015, 10:35:35 PM »
Hi Chad.

With so many good critiques already given, there isn't much left to say.  Having said that, of course I will suggest something small regarding your first paragraph.   I tried hard to visualize what happened but found it hard to do so.   This is just one way of saying what happened and is subject to correction, but hope it illustrates what I mean by visualizing the scenario.

Impatiently, Mark gave the recalcitrant dresser drawer a hearty shove, resulting in a shuddering of the figurine collection sitting on the top.  So rattled was the expensive Beswick horse that it jumped to the floor in time to have its leg broken by the heavy descent of Mark's foot. 

"Damn!"

As he tried to regain his balance, hot coffee tipped out of the cup in his hand, over his wrist and down to the carpet.

"Owwww!"

The coffee stain now made an unwelcome entrance to his daughter's bedroom.

*** You would then go on to his thoughts on explaining this to his wife, looking for the phone and so on.  Of course, if I am seeing the scene incorrectly, then the laugh's on me.  I'm looking forward to where you are going with this, as I sense there is something much more than what has been indicated so far.***

Offline heidi52

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #27 on: March 11, 2015, 09:34:26 AM »

Once you get used to his bite  ;), you'll be glad to see him coming. You know he's going to give it to you straight. And most of the time, he tells you pretty much what you need to hear. I know from experience.

Ditto. Hard to hear at first because we all come on here thinking we can write. You need to develop a tough skin if you want to put your work out there for critique. Going a little "tone" deaf wouldn't be a bad thing either. A lot of times "tone" is what we ourselves read into typed words.

Back to your piece. In my opinion the last line in your opening paragraph is awful and I see you chose to keep it in the revision. Is this the eighteenth century? That needs a scrap or at least a rewrite.


Offline Click_Nice

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Re: REVISION - "Broken Horses" (976 words)
« Reply #28 on: March 15, 2015, 12:50:19 PM »
Chad,

Overall, I enjoyed the piece. It's clear you have a wide vocabulary and you can set a scene very well. I found this beginning fairly engaging, and I had a good sense of what kind of story this is, where it will go and what I can expect from it.

Some of the larger paragraphs went slowly, though. You can describe things well, but you are describing a lot in a short space. It might make the piece more engaging and readable if you remove some of the adjectives and adverbs, especially when there's action taking place (like when they are trying to piece the horse back together).