Author Topic: Short script - "The Physio"  (Read 5141 times)

Offline shane247

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Short script - "The Physio"
« on: January 26, 2015, 01:49:19 PM »
Hey guys, this is my first attempt at a short story script, it is 6 pages long and should be around 5 - 8 minutes on film. I wrote this in around 2 hours and would like any advise on how I could improve the characters and/or story. oh... and the title is "The Physio".
I welcome your opinions  :)

FADE IN:
EXT. OUTSIDE PHYSIOTHERAPISTS OFFICE - MID-DAY
A sullen looking man wearing a knee brace and using crutchís presses the intercom to the building and speaks.
TOM
Hello?
LARA
Hello, press the buzzer and Iíll let you in.
TOM
Thank you.
CUT TO:
INT. PYHIOTHERAPISTS OFFICE - MID-DAY
Tom enter the Physiotherapists office and is greeted by a pretty young woman in her Thirties. He seems a little bit sad and is immediately uplifted by the bright smile on the physiotherapists(Lara) face.
TOM
Hi, my name is Tom, I called earlier about getting my leg looked at.
LARA
Hi Tom, nice to meet you, my name is Lara, follow me and we can take a look.
CUT TO:
INT. PHYSIOTHERAPISTS CONSULTATION ROOM - MID-DAY
Tom follows Lara into a room and sits on a massage table. The room is bright and colorful, very welcoming.
LARA
So Tom, you said on the phone it was your knee specifically, Lets have a look and you can tell me a bit about what happened.
Lara inspects Tomís knee while he is speaking.
TOM
Where do I start? I suppose you could say Iím prone to accidents! I run quite a bit and sometimes take liberties with my own safety, that was the case a few days ago when I was on a trail and managed to snag my foot in a branch and landed straight onto my knee.
LARA
That sounds sore, so what I can tell from looking at your knee is you need to try a few simple exercises and give it some time and things should improve.
TOM
Thatís good, I though my running days were numbered!
LARA
On the contrary, you should be good in no time at all.
Lara gives Tom a smile which makes him feel like things are not all lost.
LARA (CONTíD)
So how did you hear about my practice?
TOM
A friend recommended you.
LARA
I must be doing something right!
Lara continues the checkup.
TOM
Do you see this kind of thing often?
LARA
Ya, knee injuries are pretty common.
TOM
There is a marathon coming up in 8 months and I was wondering if I would be ready for it? Will my leg be healed fully by then?
LARA
Im sure we can have you back training before then. Youíll need to come see me every 2 weeks.
TOM
That sounds great!
FADE TO BLACK:
EXT. PYHIOTHERAPISTS OFFICE - MID-DAY -  4 MONTHS LATER(TITLE)
A happy looking man presses the intercom to the building and speaks.
TOM
Hi Lara, its Tom.
LARA
Oh.. Hi Tom, press the buzzer and Iíll let you in.
TOM
Thanks.
INT. PYHIOTHERAPISTS OFFICE - MID-DAY
A smiling Lara welcomes tom with a handshake and offers him a seat.
LARA
So how are things now?
TOM
Everything is going great, Im training full time and have entered the marathon, its 4 months away.
LARA
Thatís great Tom, I knew you could do it.
TOM
Thanks Lara but I couldnít have done any of this without your help. 
LARA
Just doing my job.
Both laugh and look at each other with a hint of something more than just friendship.  Lara looks away, and Tom breaks the silence.
TOM
So will you be there to see me over the finish line?
LARA
I would love that Tom.
Lara seems unsure how Tom feels and vice-versa, both know there is something there but donít know if this is just their mind playing tricks on them.
FADE TO BLACK:
EXT. PYHIOTHERAPISTS OFFICE - MID-DAY -  8 MONTHS LATER - RACE DAY(TITLE)
A happy looking man presses the intercom to the building and speaks.
TOM
Guess Who.
LARA
Hey Tom, Iíll let you in.
INT. PYHIOTHERAPISTS OFFICE - MID-DAY
A delighted Tom greets Lara who looks guilty for not attending the big race.
LARA
Iím so sorry Tom for not going to the race but I wasnít sure if you really wanted me there.
TOM
Donít worry about it.
LARA
Youíre not mad I didnít go?
TOM
Iím happy your here.
LARA
Okay.
TOM
I have a present for you.
LARA
I donít deserve a present.
TOM
I think you do.
Tom takes a necklace case out of his jacket and opens it in front of Lara. Inside is his marathon medal.
LARA
Tom, I cant take this!
TOM
Lara, the only reason I am here now is because of you, you deserve this as much as me!
Tom takes the medal out of the case and puts it around Laraís neck.
TOM (CONTíD)
We can both enjoy it together.
Tom kisses Lara as the camera fades out.
FADE OUT:
THE END.






Offline Balazs

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Re: Short script - "The Physio"
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2015, 04:44:12 AM »
Hi Shane,

I don't know a lot about scripts, actually this is the first one I've ever read.
So if I read it as a story and imagine watching it as a short film it feels pretty boring to me. That partly may be because it's a love story eventually and I'm not really fond of love stories.
But still, I think the reason it's boring is that there is no conflict in it. Even a love story needs to have some conflict e.g an obstacle between the two persons, or maybe Lara is not interested in Tom at first so Tom needs to do his best to win her.
I would have wanted to know why Lara didn't attend the race, what she says seems to be a lame excuse on her behalf, it actually sounds like a lie. If I was Tom I would be more mad because she didn't come. I miss a lot of personality but I guess that would come across on the screen.
Good luck.

Regards,
Balazs
« Last Edit: January 29, 2015, 07:04:37 AM by Laura H »

hillwalker3000

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Re: Short script - "The Physio"
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2015, 05:02:57 AM »
2 hours to write. . . I'm not sure what kind of response you're expecting after that amount of effort.

The plot : guy hurts knee - physio fixes knee - they fall in love.
That's barely worth commenting on it's so lame (excuse the pun). And the dialogue is mostly small talk so I'm not sure why anyone would want to listen to it.

If it's an exercise in telling a 3-part story in 5 minutes (start-middle-end) then you've nailed it. But otherwise, as a potential project for even a short film it's weak because as the previous poster says, there's absolutely no conflict.

H3K

Offline Vogel

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Re: Short script - "The Physio"
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2015, 07:08:35 PM »
Yeah, I have to agree with the previous posters. I'm sorry, but for me it's so easy and simple, it's unpleasant. I know very little about script writing. In fact, this is the first script I've read on MWC period, but for me, your piece must lack even the fundamentals. There's no conflict, no character, and soóno story. I'd suggest reading other scripts, even the shorter pieces and studying the craft if you plan to pursue script writing.

As others have noted, the first thing you must do ... develop a story propelled along by conflict. This simplistic love story theme (if you can even call it a theme) is just not enough to warrant reading/watching further, let alone creating a film, IMO. Find out how to flesh out characters and motives. Read up on how to create conflict in your writing. If scriptwriting is something you are meant to do, something that you are passionate about, then there's plenty of information out there to help you along the way. But two hours is nothing. To become a good scriptwriter, like anything else, you better be willing to dedicate a heck of a lot of time not only writing, but reading and researching as well. It's going to take years.

Keep at it. We all started somewhere.

Offline Magdiel

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Re: Short script - "The Physio"
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2015, 09:50:52 PM »
My thoughts can pretty much be summed up as "what Hillwaker said". Every. Single. Time.

I did notice, however, that you used a lot of transitions, and bothered to specify the time as "mid-day", rather than just "day". In the end, its up to the director how the footage will be edited, and the time of day is really just there to tell how the scene should be lit, making this detailing both unnecessary and bothersome. The common term for when a scriptwriter does this is "directing-on-paper", something we're all advised to avoid whenever possible.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2015, 11:44:34 AM by Magdiel »
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Offline Moscow_Chad

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Re: Short script - "The Physio"
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2015, 02:06:04 AM »
A film script about mundane setting should be grounded a bit in reality.  Along those lines, there is something that rings untrue about the person who buzzes you in and greets you in a clinic also being the therapist herself.  You could actually scrap the dialogue at the buzzer (all you need is an establishing shot outside the clinic), add in a non-speaking actor to play a receptionist, and move straight to the therapy encounter and the whole thing would feel a little more realistic.

Along those same lines, the interaction with the doctor from a clinical perspective seems very artificial and hollow.  She looks at his knee for a brief moment, then she offers a vague diagnosis, remedy, and a promise that he'll be better in eight months.  That really how any doctor visit ever goes.

The dialogue is obviously meant to be a bit spare, but it's a huge cheat to just point out in a stage direction that "Both laugh and look at each other with a hint of something more than just friendship."  This is something you should figure out how to demonstrate, even if it's in a roundabout way, via their words.

Finally, I don't feel like you've got any particular goal in this piece.  As has been stated above, a tossed-in reference to him wishing she'd been at the race doesn't really function as a proper dramatic conflict.  This is ostensibly a patient/doctor love story, but all you've done is outlined that story in the broadest, most obvious strokes, and avoided showing us why your version of that story is interesting and unique.