Author Topic: I know its been done and is hardly original...  (Read 1679 times)

Offline redmeat73

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I know its been done and is hardly original...
« on: October 20, 2006, 06:51:35 PM »
Can those who read and want to post a reply, tell me what the problems are with the: grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and paragraph set up. If you do Iíll be most grateful.



A shortly before eight am, on Monday the 26th of March, a call was made to the Municipal and Commercial Train Corporation. The call carried with it the news a device had been placed somewhere within Buckminsterís main station; no grievance was aired and no demands made; however moments after the call ended, the device was detonated.


            --------------------


Between the hours of six and nine on any given morning, the Buckminster main platform could easily process as many as eight thousand or so commuters, and at seven minuets to eight, the main platform was as busy as it had ever been.


            --------------------


One moment I was standing shoulder to shoulder with a hundred other people, while my thoughts lingered back at the coffee shop and its plethora delicacies; then the next there was an almighty bang, the floor heaved and I would have stumbled forward if it werenít for the human barrier in front of me; panels from the ceiling were shaken loose and left, right and dead ahead many of the lights went out in a hail of broken glass.
Although I couldnít hear, as the explosion had set off a klaxon within my head, Iím sure my voice added to the wailing chorus.
Initially, well I say it as though it happened hours ago; I had no idea as to what caused the explosion.
Instinctively I look toward the direction the sound came from and I see a wave of dust and debris rushing towards me.

Itís at that moment fate deals me a lucky card. It happened once when I was six and I was attacked by a dog. Time slows to more manageable pace; as a child it gave me the opportunity to bring my school bag crashing down upon the dogs head but now Iím trapped by four walls of people, unable to escape.

All around me people are thrashing, kicking, with red faces and as I look into the onrushing maelstrom I looked into the eyes of a woman, whose long red hair had been stirred into life by the blast and now billows about her like a fiery halo; we spend a moment looked into each others eyes, both knowing this will be our last glimpse of humanity.
Her eyes, like mine, glisten with tears that swell but wonít ever get to touch cheek. My thoughts switch to my family, my wife who I adore and to the son whom I love more than I though possible. Then the briefest roar overtakes me, then blackness.


Matt..
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline Stupot

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Re: I know its been done and is hardly original...
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2006, 07:11:17 PM »
You've captured the scene well and I enjoyed reading this, but you've made the mistake of switching your narritive from the past to the present tense without realising it.

I had no idea as to what caused the explosion.
Instinctively I look toward the direction the sound came from


Do you see what I mean?  one minute you're saying it did happen, the next minute you're saying it is happaning.

I prefer the latter half of the story, written in the present tense.  It gives it more of a sense of urgency. Go through and make sure all your verbs are in the same tense then post it again, it'll be even better.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2006, 07:13:01 PM by Stupot »

Offline redmeat73

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Re: I know its been done and is hardly original...
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2006, 07:12:44 PM »
I'm somewhat miffed. It seems Iíve managed to miss out half a dozen base words and in my rush to get it posted so I can go to bed I didn't explain one of the lines fully. Ironically Iím still up and I havenít yet gone to bed; obviously.


Matt..


Ps- somewhere lurks a moral to this story, grrrr.

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline redmeat73

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Re: I know its been done and is hardly original...
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2006, 07:17:32 PM »
Iím not sure if youíre really allowed to switch from past to present but it was my intention at the very beginning. I started with a news reader, factual type approach and switched to ground level. However, I made the mistake of still thinking partly in third as appose to first person. Bugger, (repeat until Sunday morning without sleep; me that is.) you'd think I might learn that first drafts have cohesion and other issues lurking.

Matt..

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...

Offline redmeat73

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Re: I know its been done and is hardly original...
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2006, 07:19:57 PM »
You've captured the scene well and I enjoyed reading this, but you've made the mistake of switching your narritive from the past to the present tense without realising it.

I had no idea as to what caused the explosion.
Instinctively I look toward the direction the sound came from


Do you see what I mean?  one minute you're saying it did happen, the next minute you're saying it is happaning.

I prefer the latter half of the story, written in the present tense.  It gives it more of a sense of urgency. Go through and make sure all your verbs are in the same tense then post it again, it'll be even better.

Thanks for the reply mate. Iím annoyed it slipped through but hopefully Iíll learn from my mistakes. 

Matt..
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion...