Author Topic: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)  (Read 19934 times)

Offline lilgreggy

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is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« on: December 03, 2014, 08:56:00 PM »
writing a script and I am going back and forth on whether to keep this scene or not. sure wanting to know if it's actually funny or a little too far.

EXT. THOMAS’ HOUSE-MORNING
(Miles’ car pulls up to Thomas’ house and he gets out and starts walking to the door until he realizes Thomas’ neighbor, Peggy, is outside checking the mail)
Miles
Pegasus! How are you?
Peggy
(sighs) hi Miles.
Miles
What school are you going to?
Peggy
I’m studying abroad, remember?
Miles
Oh shit, I forgot. So this will probably be the last time we see each other.
Peggy
Probably…
Miles(giving her a sly look)
Well that’s unfortunate.
Peggy(smiling)
Whatever dude.
(Miles walks up to Thomas’ door and rings the bell. Thomas’ mom welcomes him in)
INT.THOMAS’ HOUSE-MORNING
(Thomas greets Miles with a bro hug and waits until his mom leaves the room to speak)
Thomas
Harassing peggy again?
Miles
I don’t know why I never fucked her.
Thomas
Probably cuz she’s been dating cody for like 4 years now. You know they’re engaged, right?
Miles
What??!
Thomas
Yeah man, He proposed over fourth of July weekend.
Miles
They’re so young and she’s going overseas and.... oh shit, they can only have sex with each other for the rest of their lives.
Thomas(laughing)
Yep.
Miles
She has to deal with the same dick every time they fuck. No surprises or anything.
Thomas
So.
Miles
So??! What do you mean so, if you were a girl would you want the same dick inside you every night, no you would want some variety.
Thomas
Variety? You do realize you’re talking about varieties of dicks?
Miles
Yeah I am, im just saying if I was a chick, I would want some variety in my life, maybe “black Friday’s”, maybe “unsnipped Monday’s”, Im just saying I couldn’t take the same dick every single night.
(lisa walks in and both boys stop what they are talking about)

Lisa
Ok, im just gonna pretend I didn’t just hear that and just start putting these boxes in the car, are these fully packed?

hillwalker3000

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2014, 05:36:35 AM »
One line - 'Black Friday' - inappropriate and politically incorrect but par for the course for a certain type of American humour. . . but the rest is mundane chit-chat that makes little if any sense. And in case you didn't get my meaning - no. It's not funny.

You might get more responses if you post this on the Script forum - but the formatting makes it virtually impossible to follow.

H3K
« Last Edit: December 04, 2014, 08:36:14 AM by hillwalker3000 »

Jo Bannister

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2014, 07:08:14 AM »
Frankly?  No, nowhere near funny enough.  Unless you're thirteen.

Offline heidi52

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2014, 08:05:18 AM »
Agree with Jo.

Contrary to popular belief, and unless you are a 13 year old boy, dicks by themselves are just not funny enough to carry a scene.  The rest was mundane chit chat and the choreography unbelievable. He walked past her without seeing her? Seriously?

Offline Gyppo

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2014, 08:27:38 AM »
Sorry, no.

Miles is an arsehole.  Unfortunately arseholes in themselves are not inherently funny, unless they don't realise their own arshole-ishness but everyone else does.  Even then it soon wears thin.

Quote:  Miles
I don’t know why I never fucked her.


I don't know about the ladies on the circle, but to me this line screams out the message that Miles is a reluctant virgin male, trash talking to prop up his fragile ego.  If Peggy had said "Here's your last chance, now or never." and moved towards him he would have shat his pants.

For what it's worth, even on such short aquaintance, I like Peggy ;-)

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

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Offline lilgreggy

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2014, 03:08:18 PM »
Sorry, no.

Miles is an arsehole.  Unfortunately arseholes in themselves are not inherently funny, unless they don't realise their own arshole-ishness but everyone else does.  Even then it soon wears thin.

Quote:  Miles
I don’t know why I never fucked her.


I don't know about the ladies on the circle, but to me this line screams out the message that Miles is a reluctant virgin male, trash talking to prop up his fragile ego.  If Peggy had said "Here's your last chance, now or never." and moved towards him he would have shat his pants.

For what it's worth, even on such short aquaintance, I like Peggy ;-)

Gyppo

thank you for you feedback, I appreciated that you noticed that Miles is only trash talking to prop up his ego.

Offline Plain Helvetica

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2014, 10:11:47 AM »
Obviously comedy is subjective but I would say that a great deal of comedy comes from something being unexpected. I found Miles's line of conversation for the most part to not be that original. In this sense I would be more inclined to suggest that this doesn't go far enough rather than going to far. (Although I am not suggesting you should add crassness for the sake of it). If Thomas had a bit more to say back to him then this might help as it feels a bit like he is there just as a sounding board for Miles. Obviously this is just a short scene so that might not be an entirely fair reflection on Thomas but I don't get much of his character here.

Offline JS05

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2015, 10:21:27 AM »
To be honest, this seems like a wordy joke with a weak punch line.  If it's the chit chat you're looking to make funny and interesting, you need to present the absurd with legitimate concern through your characters voice.  Although one of your characters begins to give a damn about 3/4s of the way through, his intention doesn't seem strong enough.  His friend laughs at him!  If he's truly concerned, your character wouldn't see it as a laughing matter.  What I'm getting at is, what do your characters stand for?  What is the idea behind your little interaction?  Or is this just a long winded joke with a lackluster punch?  I hope this helps. 

Offline Chandlers

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2015, 02:21:16 AM »
I think it's great and really funny

Good job

Offline TheOtherAdrian

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2015, 03:45:41 AM »
Hi lilgreggy!

I agree with the other posters that it's simply not funny. Here are some other thoughts though that might help you in the future.

I would've liked a little context to have an idea where this scene belongs. It seems to be taken from the middle of the script, so presumably the viewer would know some things about these people already?

The formatting is dreadful. Try and capitalize the names, and/or work with some newlines. You can use the "Preview" button to see how your post will look to others, and then you can clean it up before hitting "Post". There's also the fun little icons above the text box that allow shenanigans like italic or bold text.

Miles’ car pulls up to Thomas’ house and he gets out and starts walking to the door... Cut that. It's obvious that he would have to get out of the car to start walking somewhere, unless he's called Fred Flintstone. You don't have to tell your director stuff that's perfectly obvious.

Peggy
(sighs) hi Miles.
Miles
What school are you going to?

Non-sequitur much? I try to imagine this conversation happening in real life (or even on a screen), and I just can't. I mean, they presumably have seen each other before, and they're standing on a street, so there's no context for that question whatsoever. Try and make the conversation flow a little more naturally, adding some kind of segue or at least an acknowledgement that Miles is not being very linear here. Most people add expletives (filler words) when they try to "inconspicuously" steer the dialogue in a new direction, like:
PEGGY
(sighs) Hi Miles.
MILES
Whoa, is it cold out here or is that just you? Say, what school are you going to again?
PEGGY
Very smooth.
MILES
(missing the sarcasm) I try.
PEGGY
I'm going to [faraway place], remember?

That's just an example, of course. You have to find your character's voices yourself. What I'm trying to say is, your dialogue should never sound like it's for the audience's sake alone. In your version, Miles and Peggy aren't talking. They're just spitting out information that the audience presumably needs. But for a scene to not feel forced, the characters need to be talking to each other, with the information you want to convey weaved in somewhere. If the dialogue doesn't sound like, well, dialogue, the illusion collapses.

Peggy(smiling)
Whatever dude.

I don't get it. Why is she smiling? That bloke is totally creepy. If I was her, I'd be backing away slowly, not encouraging him. I don't know if that smile has any importance regarding your story, but if it doesn't, take it out. The director and the actress should have a feel for what Peggy's expression would be here anyway, and it probably won't be a smile. Or at least not a frank one.

Thomas’ mom welcomes him in
So... she's a mute? How does she "welcome him in" without any dialogue? That scene looks funny in my mind. Also, is it important that she's there? She immediately leaves the room and isn't seen again for the remainder of the scene. Unless her name is Lisa, I guess.

INT.THOMAS’ HOUSE-MORNING
I'm really not an expert here, so someone more experienced should correct me if I'm wrong, but this whole thing looks like a single scene to me. So why is it broken up into two? I'd just go with "EXT/INT THOMAS'S HOUSE - MORNING" for the whole thing.

Thomas greets Miles with a bro hug
This might be my ignorance talking, but with a what? If I were the director, I'd be stumped.

I don’t know why I never fucked her.
Probably because she hasn't had that lobotomy yet.

What??!
One punctuation mark would probably suffice. If your text can't convey his feelings, punctuation won't fix it.

Variety? You do realize you’re talking about varieties of dicks?
Apart from the fact that these guys seem to be about fifteen years old, you manage to use the word "variety" four times in as many sentences. Try and have some variety there.

So??!
Return of the triple punctuation mark. You know you don't get paid for those.

Ok, im just gonna pretend I didn’t just hear that and just start putting these boxes in the car, are these fully packed?
Is... that the end of the scene? I don't get it.

Think about what your scene adds to the film/episode/whatever it is you're writing. Is it just a joke? Then, frankly, forget it. Is it setup for later developments between Miles and Peggy? Then rework it a little and leave it in. You only get a limited amount of screen time, so every scene has to have a purpose. If you can figure out what that purpose is for each scene, cutting the fat will be much easier.

I realize this probably sounded harsh, but remember it's just one opinion. I hope you find something in there that helps you in your further writing!
Best wishes
Adrian

Offline Samuel96

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2015, 08:40:04 PM »
Personally I think the very end could get a laugh but it is an over long build up. I understand that your character is meant to be a a bit of a knob, so in context it's fine him saying this but I think you could inject more fun into the dialogue, young lads do sometimes talk like this but it is hard to make it funny for an adult audience in my opinion if you don't make the character a little more endearing to an older audience. I think Thomas needs to be more disparaging of Miles like where he says "so." as a response I'd suggest that he really rips into him "It would definitely be something different for her if she had sex with you" to which Miles could obliviously reply "So you see what I mean then?"  so that way we are all laughing at his stupidity... anyway I don't want to re-write the script for you but it is something to think about :) 

Offline Lucas_Knight

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Re: is this scene funny enough? does it go too far?(adult content)
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2015, 04:02:20 PM »
Hello,

In my honest opinion, I see no comedy in this, and to be frank I was pulled out of the story before even finishing it. This is mostly due to flat dialogue and poor formatting. It would be best no to post a wall of text, it's very painful on the eyes.