Author Topic: The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)  (Read 1553 times)

Offline TOTIBP

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 55
The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)
« on: December 06, 2014, 12:46:08 AM »
Hello there! Glad you stopped by! A bit of slam poetry I decided to run through the critter shredder. Anyway hope you enjoy.
 (feel free to say what you mean, don't sugar coat it because I have celiac ;))

I had never really considered myself very emotional, that is, until that one special day in the summer. What made that day special? Absolutely nothing. It was no different from the day before and probably wouldn't be very different from the next day. But maybe that’s exactly what I needed. Maybe the dull, monotonous background noise that we call life finally registered in my mind, and just like when you remember you can always see your nose, or that the ceiling fan is making a noise, you can’t forget it and it bugs you and bugs you and doesn't go away. Well that’s what happened. Something hit me mentally and emotionally. It wasn't a crash, or a thud, or a bang, but more like that low sound that slowly grows on you, like when a car comes down the driveway. It’s so quiet at first that you don’t even notice it, and by time you realize what’s happening, the sound has evolved into a roar; a roar that demands your attention immediately, a roar that glares at you for not noticing it sooner, a roar that most people don’t even notice. Or if they do, they’re 95, on their death bed, clinging to life and thinking “if only…”

That day, that beautifully normal day, when I finally processed that life is fucking short. 100 pathetic years!  And that’s if I’m lucky. 100 years. I only have 1 life to live and then... nothing. All my memories, all my wishes, all my thoughts, everything, is over. FOREVER. Eternity will go on eternally forever. And I… lived 100 years. I almost couldn't handle it. And I was just sitting in shock until… until what? I was expecting something to happen with my new-found knowledge, but no. I found myself staring into nothing, waiting…. for nothing.

What to do? How do I start?  There’s no time! I wanted to do everything, risk everything, experience everything, and most importantly… live. I started crying, but it was a good crying, I think. I ran around, tried to find something to do, and found myself here. Typing. Writing. Waiting. No…. Dreaming of a different reality where I change, and I live.
Nothing is hard unless you try.

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8845
Re: The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2014, 04:43:46 PM »
Hi TOTIBP,

I very much enjoyed reading this.  I just don't know what to do now :-\   You posted it for review and comment and I'm probably the last guy that should be posting, but here I go anyway.  I say that because I don't know much about slam poetry, and have never been to a poetry slam.  I guess my only contact is the youtube videos I have watched.  So feel free to disregard the rest of this is you want.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but slam poetry is that poetry presented at a poetry slam, and the first threshold is for it to be a poem.  I'm not much of a participant in the on-going quibbles over what is and what is not a poem.  But for these purposes, I think some of the discussion is appropriate.  The hallmark of a good slam poetry presentation is the expressiveness and passion of the delivery in addition to the quality of the substance.  Oral presentation of a poem rests in large measure in the cadences, the rhythms, and the unique sounds.  English is built for the pleasurable enunciation of not only the direct rhymes, but the more subtle vowel repeats that can even sound like echoes.  A large part of the satisfactory substance of a poem, presented orally or just on paper, is the strength of the symbolic speech - the metaphors and similes, the allegories and the symbols themselves.

When I read this paragraph through I can't get the sense of how the rhythm would play - how its read to give it some cadence, some bounce or swing that the pulls in an audience.  I also don't see much in the way of compelling symbolic speech. I'm sure I haven't read this aloud anywhere near as much as you, so I figure you've got the presentation pretty well figured out.  I'm just  not seeing it  hearing it, so that might just be me.

The other thing that occurs to me may mean nothing in this context.  And that is this -- the basic building block of this piece is the sentence, whereas the basic unit of poetry is usually the line.  To me that makes all of the difference in terms of creating, interpreting, presenting, and appreciating poetry.  Maybe not slam poetry?

While I can't see the poetry in this, or how it can reasonably be read as a poem, I do find it very expressive and capable of being read with a long of emotion.  So maybe that is it? I'm probably embarrassing myself with my ignorance, which isn't the first time. 8)

T

Offline TOTIBP

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 55
Re: The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2014, 08:21:16 PM »
Yea, I kinda agree with you, it's doesn't really fit under the category of a poem. I was trying to figure out what to call this, and I guess it's a short story sorta... not sure. :P but thanks for the commentary! Also I feel orally presenting this would make it much more poetic, like you said.
Nothing is hard unless you try.

Offline Gyppo

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 72244
  • I've been writing ever since I realised I could.
Re: The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2014, 08:35:51 PM »
It's not a short story either.  But...  I've been playing around this, reading it aloud.  Trying for differing emphasis on different parts. Some parts declaimed with bravado, some almost whispered.  (Always a good trick to pull in an audience and keep them listening.)  It's definitely a performance piece, and when spoken with expression and various appropriate gestures it does sound rather poetic.

It's strange because on the first read through, silently, I thought it was so-so, maybe even nothing but navel gazing.  But Tom's comments made me try it aloud, when it takes on a different dimension.  Just as some poems cry out to be heard rather than read.

Gyppo
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline TOTIBP

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 55
Re: The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2014, 10:01:57 PM »
Performance piece, I like that. And I guess that's what it is designed to be. Thanks for solving the identity crisis! :)
Nothing is hard unless you try.

Offline TOTIBP

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 55
Re: The Enemy That is My Mind (Language)
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2014, 08:30:21 PM »
Mostly just curious about the writing itself.... anything I can change?
Nothing is hard unless you try.