Author Topic: November 25 (2 versions)  (Read 637 times)

Offline duck

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November 25 (2 versions)
« on: November 25, 2014, 09:36:47 AM »
Second version
A slate grey sky stretches
over banks of chestnuts and birches,
presses against sleep-filled houses; subdues birdsong.
A sober morning stirs as soundlessly as ghosts in purgatory,
still festooned in summerís Bacchanal greens, reds and yellows.

original version
A slate grey sky (if you can call it that)
stretches wearily over banks of chestnuts and birches,
presses against sleep-filled houses; subdues birdsong.
A sober morning stirs as soundlessly as ghosts in purgatory,
still festooned in summerís Bacchanal greens, reds and yellows.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2014, 11:12:51 AM by duck »

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: November 25
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2014, 10:10:10 AM »
Aside from the parenthetical aside, I love it.

I don't think you need "wearily" it doesn't add anything. At the same time it doesn't hurt anything either.  Little to add beyond that. I think its beautiful.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline duck

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Re: November 25
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2014, 11:10:18 AM »
Hi Thanks Marc. Glad you like it. Written to counter impressions I don't like autumnal poems. I will add changes as a revised version.
Dave