Author Topic: Poem By Non-Poem Writer  (Read 964 times)

Offline Enexy

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Poem By Non-Poem Writer
« on: November 23, 2014, 01:23:14 AM »
Hello, I have not written a poem since middle school, and I'm coming onto my thirties. I just wrote this, please let me know how it is. I welcome all criticism, thanks.

'Twas love at first sight,
Amazing, Stunning, Warming,
I was out of breath!

Relationships forged,
Talking, laughing, enjoying,
My life was renewed.

But mistakes were made,
Grieving, despairing, crying,
How could I reprieve?

I gave you my life,
Rejecting, ignoring, crying,
I shut all else out.

Trust was never got,
Falling, sinking, crying,
Nothing is the same.

Why do we have to cry? I still love you.

Offline duck

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Re: Poem By Non-Poem Writer
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2014, 04:06:03 AM »
Hi
This is a somewhat typical first post so the advice is usually the same on these occasions.
Avoid the theme of love found or lost.
Provide more concrete images and sensory experience.
Keep away from grand ideas and big statements, the small details of life make for more satisfying writing - they may build to a big sense or meaning but that lies in the  quality of the writing.
Repetition unless handled well, is just that repetition - the effect of the second line of each stanza is neglible here.
Provide specifics as anyone can fall in love, talk, laugh, enjoy, grieve, despair etc. These are generic words with little personal content. What was talked about, where, when, by whom exactly, how did they talk, what did the feel while doing so etc.
Why do we have to cry? - Generic questions with no answer are generally a bad idea.
So you see lots to thin about and work on if so desired.
Dave

Offline Amie

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Re: Poem By Non-Poem Writer
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2014, 04:29:47 AM »
In fact, they are so common we put them in a sticky: http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7667.0

Hope it helps :)

And welcome :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka