Author Topic: Thoughts while on a plank  (Read 1095 times)

Offline weaksoul

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Thoughts while on a plank
« on: November 16, 2014, 02:22:21 PM »
i am on a stage. i didn't think i would be on a stage. but, there i am. on a stage. did i choose it? i didn't think it would be a stage. i thought it would be me, in the masses, lifting people up. but i've found myself on a stage. a stage. looking out.

but it is not just a stage. no, it feels like, i will say - a plank. i feel like i'm on a plank, like - peter pan, or wendy - on a plank, with flesh-eating sharks down below. oh, i'm being overly dramatic, i suppose.

but i'll tell you, i'll tell you, that i hear whispers. i hear whispers. i've heard whispers. when i was in high school, at an eatery, as we walked by, in that dark room, by booths, i swear i could hear, whispers, hissing like snakes.

'she's too - ' that i was too - small. small bones.

'skinny' is what they said, what i thought they said. 'she's too skinny,' 'she's so skinny,' i thought i could hear their whispers.

now, i don't care, it's not an issue. i was in high school, and hormonal, then.

but now, of course, it's something different. is it because i'm such a delicate soul? well, i hope i'm not boring you.

now, i'm on a plank. on a plank. well, no. right now, i'm here with you. on this - stage, a different, stage, but a stage nonetheless, but a better one. one where i can speak...

AM I AFRAID? am i afraid? (shakes head) i don't know. what is fear? are you afraid of fear? i don't know what i'm afraid of, i only know what i feel.

(pause)

and now, now, i'm in - i'm now- on a separate sphere. i transform myself, and travel different places, i see different things, through my ball. let's look in.

i will tell you, that she wanders about, as if she owns the world. and gripes about things. she's impatient.

girls are impatient, they can be impatient, as adolescents. it's understandable, i need to understand that. that girls - i've realized it - as adolescents, some girls can be very impatient. and those girls, can be the quiet girls, the ones, who sit in their seats, so quietly, quietly impatient. they want you - to get with the program, move things forward, banish the loud girls.

and she, she maybe doesn't feel that way, but she wanders around a lot. why, why are you wandering? i should ask her some time. but now, now i have to go. maybe more on this later.

do you know, i spent all of saturday afternoon, sitting in a chair, feeling rather awful? was i dead or alive? i don't even know. maybe both? i've been there before. i remember, being dead, and alive, on my bed, with many tears, much water flowing, and much deadness inside. no, not mourning my deadness, because i was quite alive, but someone else's deadness and bitterness. someone else, technically alive, but not really. perhaps i feel these things too much. what do you say?

well, i say, i have to go. because life moves on. even when you've spent all of yesterday afternoon, sitting in your chair, feeling awful. i suppose you could say, there will be days like this.

there's no way to avoid it. you can't the light without the darkness. you have to be - willing to fight for things. and then it gets better. but i can't say, i can't say that i enjoyed sitting in my chair all of saturday afternoon, feeling poorly about myself. who does that? there are families outside, playing soccer, getting on with their lives. what would they do, in my position? perhaps i think too much, i put myself, in interesting situations. perhaps i don't - i shouldn't be there. but all i know, well, who is someone to say that i don't?

i should put these to rest. i spent all of saturday afternoon, sitting in my chair, feeling awful. god. but i'm not - as - crippled now. i can get up. so i should get up. rise to life. the past is the past. except that you remember the past, and ask why. but now, now i must move forward, though how - strangely slow time seemed to - no, not gather - time has a way of morphing. oh, i should write about this later, i need to go.