Author Topic: Irresistible Thoughts of You  (Read 940 times)

Offline Zoner

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Irresistible Thoughts of You
« on: October 17, 2014, 05:03:04 PM »
Zoned out,
On my irresistible thoughts of you.

Too focused on you,
To remember what is due.
Falling behind,
To fall for you.
Stress building,
Heart burning,
It stinks,
But I cannot help what I think.

I think about your touch,
Probably a bit too much.
Lying in bed,
Wanting you.
Tension rising,
Desire flaming,
It's a Trojan War,
And it leaves me wanting more.

More time spent with you,
Less distance,
So I can say 'be there in a few".
Lips touching,
Hands holding,
As if stuck together with glue,
But I guess there isn't much we can do.

Zoned out,
On my irresistible thoughts of you.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Irresistible Thoughts of You
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2014, 12:49:29 PM »
Zoner, I'm sorry to sound negative, but (to me) this doesn't read much like a poem. Rather it feels like a list of emotions or thoughts without making me feel the emotions.

For me, both poetry and prose need to show me somethings; emotions, an event or even just a a snap shot (in words) of something that allows to connect with.

I have trouble doing this myself, at least to my own satisfaction. Try reading more poetry, pay special attention to those that speak to you, the ones that make you envision what is being shown. That would probably help you more than anything I could say.

If you really want to write poetry, keep trying. Write, edit and rewrite until it sings to you.
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

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Offline shadowdrifter

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Re: Irresistible Thoughts of You
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2014, 02:49:23 PM »
Alice makes a good point.  When you show, create an image of the emotion it reaches much deeper than telling.  I think that this could be trimmed down to give greater effect.
Something like...

I think about your touch,
Lying in bed,
Wanting you.
Tension rising,
Desire flaming,
leaves me wanting more.

More time with you,
Less distance,
So I can say 'be there in a few".
Lips touching,
Hands holding,
As if stuck together with glue,
But there isn't much we can do.