Author Topic: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )  (Read 2401 times)

Offline hogmother

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 36
Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« on: October 01, 2014, 06:44:28 AM »
Critiques welcome. :)

The twins and I were sitting on a bench, eating ice-cream and watching people catching crabs. An alarm went off nearby. We turned our heads. A tall-man in a purple coat came out of a shop. He was walking at a quick pace.
 
The shopkeeper came out. "Stop theif!" he shouted.  The tall-man ran.
 
"A robbery!" cried Hazel,"Come on, let's catch him." 
 
"Do we have to?" I asked. I was enjoying my ice-cream.
 
Hazel's-sister Mable, grabbed my hand. "Come on Alfie,"
 
I ran with them, The tall-man was running through the high-street. Panting I asked "And how are we suppose to catch this thief?"
 
"By magic of course." replied Hazel.
 
"Of course," I mumbled.

"If we could just corner him." said Hazel

"I saw him go into an alley," I said.

We caught up with the thief. "Stand back!" he yelled.
All three of us stood perfectly still. "At last," the thief said. "I finally got the device."

We looked at each other. I was scared, "What device, it looks like just an ordinary stopwatch?"

The thief laughed "To you maybe, but to me it's a time travelling device. It had been stolen from me by that shopkeeper."
 
"Why would he want a time travelling device?" I asked.

"So that he could change the world, the way he wants it." the thief replied. "Now that I have it back. I can fix all the mess he had done and now if you please, I bid you three farewell."

"Not so fast!"" a voice behind us said. We turned. It was the shopkeeper. He had a gun, "Give that back Jamar. It's mine."

"Not this again," Jamar said. " I had enough. Bye children."

He turned the stopwatch. A porthole appeared. The shopkeeper fired, but the girls stopped the bullet with their wands. "Thanks girls. See you next time," Jamar said. With that he disappeared.

Offline Rho

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 793
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2014, 07:03:46 AM »
Critiques welcome. :)

The twins and I were sitting sat on a bench, eating ice-cream and while watching people catching crabs. An alarm went off nearby. We turned our heads. A tall-man in a purple coat came out of a shop. He was walking at a quick pace.
 
The shopkeeper came out. "Stop theif!" he shouted.  The tall-man ran.
 
"A robbery!" cried said Hazel,"Come on, let's catch him." 
 
"Do we have to?" I asked said. I was enjoying my ice-cream.
 
Hazel's-sister Mable, grabbed my hand. "Come on Alfie,"
 
I ran with them, The tall-man was running ran through the high-street. Panting I asked "And how are we suppose to catch this thief?"
 
"By magic of course." replied Hazel.
 
"Of course," I mumbled.

"If we could just corner him." said Hazel

"I saw him go He ran into an alley," I said.

We caught up with the thief. "Stand back!" he yelled.
All three of us stood perfectly still. "At last," the thief said. "I finally got the device."

We looked at each other. I was scared, "What device, it looks like just an ordinary stopwatch?"

The thief laughed "To you maybe, but to me it's a time travelling device. It had been stolen from me by that shopkeeper."
 
"Why would he want a time travelling device?" I asked. said
"So that he could change the world, the way he wants it." the thief replied. "Now that I have it back., I can fix all the mess he had done created and now if you please, I bid you three farewell."

"Not so fast!"" a voice behind us said. We turned. It was the shopkeeper. He had a gun, "Give that back Jamar. It's mine."

"Not this again," Jamar said. " I had enough. Bye children."

He turned the stopwatch. A porthole appeared. The shopkeeper fired, but the girls stopped the bullet with their wands. "Thanks girls. See you next time," Jamar said. With that he disappeared.

Just a little tweak. An interesting piece.

You don't need to put 'asked' after a question mark.
It's a strange magic

Offline hogmother

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 36
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2014, 05:40:44 PM »
Hope this is better.


The twins and I sat on a bench, eating ice-cream while watching people catching crabs. An alarm went off nearby. We turned our heads. A tall-man in a purple coat came out of a shop, walking at a quick pace.
 
The shopkeeper came out. "Stop thief!" he shouted.  The tall-man ran.
 
"A robbery!" said Hazel,"Come on, let's catch him." 
 
 I was enjoying my ice-cream. "Do we have to?" I said.
 
 Hazel grabbed my arm "Come on, Alfie." 
 
The tall-man ran through the high-street. Panting I asked "And how are we suppose to catch this thief?"
 
"With magic," replied Hazel.
 
I grumbled "Of course,"
 
"If we could just corner him." said Hazel
 
"He ran into an alley," Mable replied.
 
We  caught up with the thief. "Stand back!" he yelled.
All three of us stood perfectly still. "At last," the thief said. "I finally got the device."
 
We looked at each other.  "What device, it looks like just an ordinary stopwatch?" I said
 
The thief laughed "To you maybe, but to me it's a time travelling device. It had been stolen from me by that shopkeeper."
 
"Why would he want a time travelling device?" I said.
 
"So that he could change the world, the way he wants it," the theif replied. "Now that I have it back. I can fix all the mess he created and now if you please, I bid you three farewell."
 
"Not so fast!"" a voice behind us said. We turned. It was the shopkeeper. He had a gun, "Give that back Jamar. It's mine."
 
Jamar groaned "Not again, I had enough."
 
He turned the stopwatch. A porthole appeared. The shopkeeper fired, but the girls stopped the bullet with their wands. "Thanks girls," Jamar said, as he waved goodbye. "Maybe we shall meet again." Jamar. With that he disappeared.

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2014, 08:50:34 AM »
Reading this it struck me how flat the entire scene is. There's no sense of drama. Broken down to the bare bones your first paragraph is a list - noun/verb, noun/verb, noun/verb, noun/verb:
We sat - alarm went off - we turned - man walked.

The same applies to your second paragraph. It's almost like a children's reading primer for slow learners.
A did this.
A did that.
B did something else.

Having read this through to the end I was left feeling totally baffled by the turn of events. A shopkeeper with a gun and twins with wands ??? I'm wondering what you're trying to write here. Is it meant to be science fiction? If so, who's your intended audience? There's no sense of action or drama or intrigue in the story. The characters are rather flat and the dialogue didn't ring true. Ultimately it looks rushed - as if you came up with each plot development seconds before writing it down. Sorry but this still needs a lot of work.

H3K

Offline hogmother

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 36
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2014, 12:43:08 PM »
The piece I wrote was kind of rushed @ H3K It just suddenly came to my head and just had to write it down. I was thinking of fantasy not science fiction. Anyway thanks for your advice.  :) Will certainly review it. 

Offline isdnman

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 61
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2014, 02:17:14 AM »
I agree with Hillwalker - and I can see how you came up with this 'on the fly'. I tend to never know whether something I wrote in this 'free way' requires revision or not. I enjoy  generating ideas, more than revision, but I guess that's the whole point of this forum, seeing how our stories sound to other people. Oftentimes, what we see as complete turns out incoherent, and what we see as boring turns out to be interesting. Good writers are oftentimes good at telling the difference.

Artemis Quark

  • Guest
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2014, 07:25:27 AM »
I agree with Hillwalker - and I can see how you came up with this 'on the fly'. I tend to never know whether something I wrote in this 'free way' requires revision or not. I enjoy  generating ideas, more than revision, but I guess that's the whole point of this forum, seeing how our stories sound to other people. Oftentimes, what we see as complete turns out incoherent, and what we see as boring turns out to be interesting. Good writers are oftentimes good at telling the difference.

Excellent point, isdnman. The highlighted sentence in your comment reminds me of Stephen King's thoughts about writing. In his book, On Writing, in the chapter called What Writing Is, he describes writing as telepathy. As writers, we know what is in our mind and attempt to transfer it to the page. Oftentimes, the telepathy is just not working. The readers don't get it. Not their problem. It is our challenge to write it better. That's where revision comes in. To enhance our telepathy.  ;D

AQ

Offline newwriter29

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 27
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2014, 01:53:36 PM »
Your fundamental ideas are good and have given you the opportunity to create something really imaginative. I'd stick to the fantasy genre and aim for a young audience. The idea's would definitely be better received with children

Try a little character development and that will help with tuning into your target audience and give the reader something to relate to. You can find character development workshops on MWC or just have a google.

Slow everything down and then expand it. What setting are they in? how to they get there? how do the characters feel when they see the thief? What does the thief look like - is he different, scary, funny?? Really try and get into your descriptive writing and that'll lift the piece massively.

Once you've decided on your target audience do some reading of other authors in that genre. You'd be surprised at how much that helps

Don't be disheartened and keep at it!!

Offline isdnman

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 61
Re: Flash Fiction :The Chase ( words 315 )
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2014, 01:00:59 AM »
That's very interesting Artemis - you just gave me a good reason to look into SK's book. I wonder though, does he discuss the factors that prevent the 'telepathy' from working properly - some things that come to mind:

1) Forcing it to happen
2) Mixing it up with something you're trying to imitate
3) Not knowing what kind of form or genre to give it (prose, poetry, fiction, non fiction, etc.) 
4) Judging it according to some preconceived standard about what's right or wrong -
5) Not taking it seriously (especially when it comes to rereading it and revising)

??

Well at least these are some of the things I do sometimes :)