Blurbs - Would a publisher want to read more?

[Mrs N]

You seem to have 3 plots running along each other which would tie up with the mixed pov's I know you have used. I do worry this together will be far too much for this age group. From all the research I have done you should only have one pivotal plot. However, Mrs N, that being said I am great believer in breaking the mould. But it would need to be quite an easy read.

Thanks Dawn, Yeah, you and Hillwalker. I'm trying to get my head around a new tighter version. Hmm, don't be holding your breath!

[Dawn]

rewrites are fun 

[Mrs N]

Genre: Action /Adventure
Title: Something Fishy
Word count (goal): 60,000
Target audience: 80,000,000 boomers

Charley Manner's retirement in the Florida Keys is full of surprises. A shark sunk his boat, a dead man with a treasure map bobbed up out of nowhere, and a Cuban drug cartel wants the treasure. Charley's training as a former Navy Seal prepared him for dangerous situations but this may be more than he can handle alone.

Blimey, the difference between the first draft and this is amazing. Great stuff.

[Mrs N]

rewrites are fun 

 

[Mrs N]

Thanks, Mrs N, for starting a good thread. You're welcome. 

Literary Fiction / 80000 words

Zinkele abandons her quiet and peaceful Swaziland mountain village for the frenetic and vibrant South African city of gold, Egoli.

She anticipates a new, exciting life. But Zinkele soon realises she has been seduced by her idealistic hopes

 and must find her way back home while she still remembers she once had one. Doesn't make sense to me.

Hi Jewel, is this for a publisher, or back of the book?

It feels a bit wishy washy, but I think in literary fiction that's not frowned on so much. It didn't tell me enough to engage with it. The name doesn't bother me at all, just her general lack of direction.   

[Mrs N]

Annmarie, did you just call Mrs N a "tart book"?  

I've been called worse!!!

(see Reply#39 for what Annmarie was referring to.)

[MiggsEye]

I've been called worse!!!

(see Reply#39 for what Annmarie was referring to.)

LOL. Now I wanna read that book too.

[Jo Bannister]

Zinkele in the big wide South African world:

I think this is promising.  I agree, it needs tightening up - drop the tautology, when words are this precious every one needs to pull its weight.  Personally, I have no problem with the name - it's easy enough to say (aloud or internally) and to remember.

You might want to try something like this:
                                                                   *
Craving excitement, Zinkele leaves her quiet Swaziland village for Eboli, the vibrant South African city of gold.  When she realises she has been seduced by an illusion, she determines to find her way back home - before she forgets she ever had one.
                                                                 

[MiggsEye]

Craving excitement, Zinkele leaves her quiet Swaziland village for Eboli, the vibrant South African city of gold.  When she realises she has been seduced by an illusion, she determines to find her way back home - before she forgets she ever had one.
                                                                  

Wow. That sounds like a book I'd be interested in buying now.

(This post makes me a full member. Woohoo.)

[JewelAS53]

Wow, Jo, Thank you so much!

[Mrs N]

Yep, Jo's version's got you a sale.

[Laura H]

That is a fine example of a blurb! Finish the book and get it out there, Jewel 

And congrats on those 50 posts, Miggseye 

[Mrs N]

(This post makes me a full member. Woohoo.)

If he's this excited now, what's he gonna be like when he's a hero? Better get an outfit, Miggseye.  

[Artemis Quark]

Blimey, the difference between the first draft and this is amazing. Great stuff.

Thanks, Mrs N. Amazing what you get when the fluff is removed. Forcing the word count down helps, too.

AQ

P.S. Have you sent your velvet gloves to the cleaners? All the saliva from your victims smiling as you strangle the fluff out of them their writing must make them difficult to slip on. 

[Mrs N]

Fantasy. 40,000 words. Target age: 8-11 year olds. Blurb for a publisher.

The dream that has haunted fourteen year old Tripps (aka Kinsey Doome) has just become a reality. It shows his mother murdering a human child. He leaves his world to stop her. All the clues point one way. But the truth is somewhere else.