Blurbs - Would a publisher want to read more?

[Annmarie]

Good point, Don.  I could cut that and keep She knows who did it, but she can't tell the police. Thanks. 

[Rho]

In the spirit of putting my money where my mouth is here's one I prepared earlier:

'Toad in the Hole and Toley Bags'
30,000 words - 9-12-year olds:

When 13-year-old Katie MacCallum's best friend, Nadia, goes missing everyone assumes she's run away from home.
Only Katie and her light-fingered brother seem interested in investigating Nadia's mysterious disappearance.
Katie is convinced that her friend has been abducted by aliens. But the school photographer is also behaving very suspiciously.
When Katie discovers a vital piece of evidence proving his involvement,but it's too late. She ends up in a life-or-death situation - about to suffer the same fate as her friend.

Hi, Just my preference, but I liked this.

H3K

[hillwalker3000]

Thanks, Rho. Good suggestions.

H3K

[Rho]

Okay i will try one based on what Wolfe said.

130,000 fantasy set in modern day UK.

Alex Aylward, with the help of a large wolf has to rescue his twin daughters from armed gangsters.
Alex finds friends to help protect the girls from dark forces.
They all move into a mansion and discover mythical creatures, who had been imprisoned by a warlock – and wants them back.

[510bhan]

Okay i will try one based on what Wolfe said.

130,000 fantasy set in modern day UK.

A large wolf helps Alex Aylward, with the help of a large wolf has to rescue his twin daughters from armed gangsters.
Alex finds friends to help To protect the girls from dark forces, they all move into a mansion and discover mythical creatures, who had been imprisoned by a warlock – and who wants them back.

 

[Rho]

Thanks 510bhan.

I kept changing between the last who/and but as I had who earlier I went for latter.

But you solved that.

[Rho]

A large wolf helps Alex Aylward rescue his twin daughters from armed gangsters.
To protect the girls from dark forces, they move into a mansion and discover mythical creatures, imprisoned by a warlock – who wants them back.

You're so quick.

[Pale Writer]

Okay i will try one based on what Wolfe said.

130,000 fantasy set in modern day UK.

Alex Aylward, with the help of a large wolf has to rescue his twin daughters from armed gangsters.
Alex finds friends to help protect the girls from dark forces.
They all move into a mansion and discover mythical creatures, who had been imprisoned by a warlock – and wants them back.

For me there is too much.

Alex
large wolf
twin daughters
armed gangsters
mythical creatures
mansion
warlock

I want to be able to digest it. So, for example:

Alex Aylward has to rescue his daughters, and with the help of a large wolf and new found friends he hopes to do just that. But dark forces don't give up easy, especially when a warlock's involved.  

[Rho]

I can see what you mean there, Pale.

[Mrs N]

I like the idea of a blurb for the back of the book/blurb for publishers.

Great pointers, Jo. My feeble attempt was geared at publishers.

Laura: Thanks.

H3K: When I read yours I imagined it on the back of a book and didn't have a problem with it. I liked the title, didn't need to understand it. Toley bags sounded cute!! Didn't for one minute guess the real use. Ugh. Too much knowledge and all that!

Annmarie: If this is a blurb on the back of a book it seems to give too much away. You tell us the children vanish, then you tell us a woman took them. No mystery there. (Is this your 'Berlin, the tart' book? Great first line, I still remember it. )

Rho: I agree with Pale's version.
 

[Artemis Quark]

Back of the book blurb. Action/Adventure. 60,000 words.

Murder, a map and hidden treasure mixed with ambush by a Cuban drug cartel make Charley Manner's life in paradise exciting. So exciting it nearly kills him. Living on Marathon Key, fishing the Florida Straits, a battle with a twenty foot Great White ended with his boat sunk and Charley adrift in his fishing chair. Rescued by the Coast Guard, he and former Seal teammate, Hawk Handy, return to retrieve the chair and find a body in it. That's when things got interesting.

[Rho]

Hi, AQ.

Murder, a map of hidden treasure and an ambush by the Cuban mafia almost cost Charley Manner his life.

A battle with a Twenty-foot Great White ended with his boat sunk and left Charley adrift in his fishing chair.

Rescued by the Coast Guard, he and former Seal teammate, Hawk Handy, return to retrieve the chair and find a body in it. That's when things got interesting.

[Artemis Quark]

Thanks Rho. I see the benefit of fewer words to increase focus and impact. Here's a slightly shorter version. What do you think?

A battle with a twenty-foot Great White left his boat sunk and Charley Manner adrift in a fishing chair. After a Coast Guard rescue, he and former Seal teammate, Hawk Handy, return to retrieve the chair and find a body in it. That's when things got interesting. Murder, a map and hidden treasure mixed with ambush by a Cuban drug cartel make Charley's life in the Florida Keys exciting. So exciting it nearly kills him.

AQ

[Rho]

That's better, but I still tweaked it.

After a battle with a twenty-foot Great White left Charley Manner adrift in just fishing chair.

After being rescued he and former Seal teammate, Hawk Handy, return to retrieve the chair only to find a body in it.

That's when things got interesting. Murder, a map and hidden treasure mixed with ambush by a Cuban drug cartel make Charley's life in the Florida Keys exciting. So exciting it nearly kills him.

[Artemis Quark]

Doesn't work for me. Uses 'After' twice to start first two sebtences.

I'm thinking, as I read again my tweak, stating 'That's when things get interesting' is not needed. Ergo

A battle with a twenty-foot Great White left his boat sunk and Charley Manner adrift in a fishing chair. After a Coast Guard rescue, he and former Navy Seal teammate, Hawk Handy, return to retrieve the chair and find a body in it. Murder, a map and hidden treasure mixed with ambush by a Cuban drug cartel make Charley's life in the Florida Keys exciting. So exciting it nearly kills him.

Now the blurb is 72 words. I've read that less than 75 should be the goal
AQ