Author Topic: Insomnia  (Read 3058 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Insomnia
« on: September 02, 2014, 08:44:41 PM »



 
     Insomnia

You feared regrets would wake
and walk at night

and now they pogo stick
your bedroom windows–

like pre-memories
like coffee alerts from tomorrow.






Offline rosez

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2014, 11:30:46 PM »
Hi Tom,

Loved this thought provoking piece, it's metaphors, imagery and particularly, the 'peeking nature' and fear/anxiety concerning the issue. Also of course, liked the regrets waking idea.
Another wonderful piece from you that's unique.
Favorite: pre- memories and coffee alerts from tomorrow.
:)
~rosez~


Offline duck

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2014, 06:30:53 AM »
Hi Tom As rosez says this is as usual for your writing original and succinct with strong images.
Of course, as you might suspect, I have a question rather than a critique.

Why write the poem in the second person rather than first. How does the N know the regrets pogo stick the windows if the regrets are manifestations of the 'you'?
It might not matter or may even weaken the sounds. But just wondered.
Dave

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2014, 07:05:37 AM »
Another magnificently distilled poem. Great image and tight as always. Love the W's. The are well placed and work. Great pacing. Love the last stanza. The punctuation is unobtrusive, but still manages to be grammatically correct. The point is: it does not distract from the poem. Nice work all around.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2014, 08:49:50 AM »
Neat. I think you could get away with losing 'stick' and keep pogo on its own . . . it would make a pleasant end rhyme with windows and the final line's tomorrow. ;)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 09:01:29 AM »
Sio- losing the "stick" is a perfect upgrade, thanks!

Duck - Why second person? Maybe too much Leonard Cohen when  I was young? First person works very well.

CP - thanks I appreciate your comments.

Rosez - thanks for the reading and the kind comments.

Cheers.

T

Offline Chizzy

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2014, 09:02:51 AM »
Overall, I really liked it. My one concern was the second stanza:

Quote
and now they pogo stick
your bedroom windows–

Pogo stick creates a vertical image for me of up and down, but the mention of windows kinda turns that through 90 degrees for me and I'm not sure that works or confuses.

Other than that, great stuff and "like coffee alerts from tomorrow" is wonderful.
This is not an exit.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2014, 10:51:15 AM »
Hi Chizzy,
You raise the image question I wrestled with.  Prior drafts included more explanatory phrasing to make explicit the up and down part of the pogoing image.  To get the cadence and sound progressions right, that language had to go.  I reasoned that the notion of pogoing implicitly said "up and down", and it would be sufficiently clear unless I said "on" the windows, which I did avoid.  Still, as you say, its a weakness as some can read it as you did.
Thanks for your view.
 :)
T   

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2014, 02:32:38 PM »

     Insomnia

You feared regrets would wake
and walk at night

and now they pogo stick
your bedroom windows–

like pre-memories
like coffee alerts from tomorrow.

I like the image created here Tom.
I am not the poet many around here are, still, the pogo stick allows me to imagine the regrets jumping up and down just outside the windows of the mind. That oft happens to me when sleep eludes me.

I don't think "pogo" alone would give me the same picture.

Good one.  ;)
« Last Edit: September 05, 2014, 01:33:47 AM by Alice, a Country Gal »
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2014, 02:58:14 PM »
Thanks, Alice.  And please back off on this "I'm not a poet" BS - you have a very good ear and sense of the nuances of language. 8)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2014, 05:00:42 PM »
Okay Tom, I'll try . . . but I see some around here (including you) that make it look and sound so easy. It is really an uphill struggle for me.

With prose I can sit down with a few hundred or thousand words, cut, slash and add and see it improving. With a poem, I'm working with a handful of words and fear cutting any for fear of loosing all meaning.

Color me with a yellow streak down my back.  ;D
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Mark T

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2014, 04:17:19 AM »

Wonderfully succint writing, Tom. On 'pogo-stick' my overkill tendency would be to go for another w word. Love the last line, it shines. Thanks for this post.

Offline evilattorney

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Re: Insomnia
« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2014, 01:45:56 PM »
I absolutely love this poem. Your word choice is outstanding. This poem is very thought provoking and I like that a lot. The personification of the regrets is awesome. I love how you use things so simple and normal ("pogo stick" and "coffee alerts") to create such a vivid, powerful scene. Absolutely beautiful.