Author Topic: Screenplay Attached  (Read 6741 times)

Offline *Lorraine*

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Screenplay Attached
« on: October 14, 2006, 04:02:14 AM »
Thanks for your comments about the synopsis. 

I've attached the screenplay that I wrote as part of my A Level course.  Tales of the Withies and Rhynes is a complete screenplay for a short, non-commercial film, aimed at an art centre audience.  I was hoping to achieve a dreamlike quality which reflects the slow pace of nature. 

Apologies for the length!  Your changes, advice, suggestions etc would be very welcome.

Thanks!   :)

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Offline Angeleyes

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2006, 08:06:59 AM »
Hi Lorraine. I am going to read your script, but, unfortunatley, I don't have the time at the moment. This (screenwriting) is very new to me, but I will let you know what I think asap.  ;D

May all your dreams come true.

Whether you think you can, or think you can't....you're right!
-Henry Ford.

Offline *Lorraine*

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2006, 08:32:30 AM »
Thanks Angeleyes.  I'm a newbie on MWC and a newbie at screenwriting so I'd really appreciate your any opinions.   In fact, all comments gratefully received!   :)

Lorraine
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Offline Angeleyes

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2006, 04:01:43 PM »
Hi Lorraine. The first word that springs to mind is 'WOW'. You have used some wonderful descriptions in this.

I am amazed at how much detail you have. I love the idea behind the story. It will be interesting to see where this goes.

In my previous postings, I have to admit, that I haven't used this much description to set a scene. Perhaps this is something I need to look at.

Look forward to reading more.
May all your dreams come true.

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-Henry Ford.

Offline glued

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2006, 01:13:03 AM »
Lorraine shall get back once I read this. have it downloaded though.

Offline *Lorraine*

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2006, 11:39:12 AM »
Hi Lorraine. The first word that springs to mind is 'WOW'. You have used some wonderful descriptions in this.

I am amazed at how much detail you have. I love the idea behind the story. It will be interesting to see where this goes.

In my previous postings, I have to admit, that I haven't used this much description to set a scene. Perhaps this is something I need to look at.

Look forward to reading more.

Thanks very much Angeleyes.  I really appreciate you looking at it.  Posting it on this site has helped me to look at it as more than just coursework for an exam.  I probably went over board on the scene descriptions because I was trying to emulate the work of the Japanese director Mizoguchi - static shots, long takes, high angles etc.  Either that or I was trying to avoid the tricky business of dialogue!  :)

Anyway, thanks again for the encouragement.

Lorraine
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Offline *Lorraine*

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2006, 11:40:58 AM »
Lorraine shall get back once I read this. have it downloaded though.

Thanks glued.  I look forward to your thoughts and comments.  Sorry it's a bit on the long side.

Lorraine
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PaulW

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2006, 11:42:26 AM »
I liked this - what is Non-diegetic theme music and diegetic though? I know diegesis means narrative - don't understand it in the context though - which demonstrates my HUGE ignorance of screenplays and explains why I hardly ever post responses here.

I liked it by the way.

Offline *Lorraine*

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2006, 11:55:25 AM »
I liked this - what is Non-diegetic theme music and diegetic though? I know diegesis means narrative - don't understand it in the context though - which demonstrates my HUGE ignorance of screenplays and explains why I hardly ever post responses here.

I liked it by the way.

Thanks Paul, I'm pleased you liked it.  Because this originally formed part of my A Level coursework I had to use film-making language but basically digetic means within the narrative and non-digetic is outside of it.  So when it comes to music for example Finn's New Order track is digetic but Vaughan Williams is non-digetic (soundtrack).

I hope you could visualise the Levels ok.  It's rather an 'other-worldly' sort of place.

Lorraine
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PaulW

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2006, 11:56:53 AM »
Yep I could - the imagery was really clear.

Offline traeva

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2006, 09:00:43 PM »
Ok, now I get it. I read the synopsis first and was left with a bit of "I don't get it," but now that I've read the script I think I get it.  Rather than being a plot driven piece this is a character driven piece. I appreciate the strong imagery you have used and think that you have a strong short film here. It's definitely "arty" as you described it, which is why I think it works so well as a short film. My only concern is that you seem to have about 7 minutes of voice over before a very short minute of dialogue.

As screen writers, we rarely get to make notes regarding sound tracks - will you also be working as director?

I would encourage you to seek production on this script as it should make a beautiful calling card for you as a screen writer.

Good luck.

Offline glued

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2006, 02:38:49 AM »
Lorraine,
I really liked this. Do not know much about screenplays so this is a learning experience for me. I really liked the thoughts and the voice of the narrator. Look forward to more.

Offline *Lorraine*

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Re: Screenplay Attached
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2006, 07:46:24 AM »
Thanks traeva and glued.  It's really good to receive feedback on a piece that got sent off to the exam board and I thought might never see the light of day again!

I realise that the restraints of the A Level coursework (word count, content, direction etc) has left the piece unbalanced but from comments I have received I'm hoping that it is worth working on my original idea and expanding it.

So, thanks for all your comments and encouragement.

Lorraine   
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