Author Topic: Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1 W/C 792  (Read 7765 times)

Offline simoncarter1989

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Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1 W/C 792
« on: July 09, 2014, 05:46:15 PM »
Just finished writing a short British film. This is my first time writing since leaving uni, just something I did in my spare time. It's a first draft and nothing too serious so any feedback would be great. Enjoy.

INT. WILL'S BEDROOM. MORNING. sunrise.

CLOSE UP: mobile phone on bedside table. camera slowly zooms out.

A mobile phone is on a bedside table in a musky bedroom. A digital clock can be seen behind the phone. The time is 8:31. The bedroom is filled with an orange glow as the rising sun comes through the gaps in the curtains.

The mobile phone vibrates as it receives a text message. Will's hand reaches slowly for the phone. He picks up his phone and reads the message, squinting because of the bright screen. His eyes widen in panic as he reads the text. He glances slowly over to his left and sees a brunette lying next to him with her back to him. He looks back at his phone.

Will

(whispering)

Fuck.

camera pans to close up of digital clock on bedside table

The clock begins to go backwards, getting faster and faster until is stops on 20.31.

int. WILL'S bedroom. evening.

Will and Dan are in the same bedroom. Dan is sat on the bed, whilst Will is sat at his desk typing on a laptop.

dan

Come on...

WILL

No.

dan

(assertively)

Come on.

WILL

No.

dan

(pleading)

Come on!

WILL

Yeah, alright.

DAN

Really?!

WILL

No!

Dan exhales frustratedly and stomps his feet.

DAN

Why not?

WILL

Really? What are you after, a list or something?

DAN

Yeah. Gimme 5 good reasons why you can't come out for a quick drink with us.

WILL

I' not gonna give you..

DAN

(interrupting will)

Because you cant.

Will spins around on his chair to face Dan. Dan looks at Will expectantly. He is playing with a roll of stickers, each with the words "Hi, my name is..." printed on them.

WILL

1. It's a Tuesday night. Who goes out on a Tuesday night?! 2. I've an essay due in a weeks time. 3. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing in the essay. 4. I have to host a research focus group arranged for  Thursday which I need to prepare for, hence the name tag stickers, give me those by the way...

Will snatches the roll of stickers off Dan, and puts them on his bedside table.

Will

...and 5, I'm a student. I have no fucking money!

DAN

Five REAL reasons.

WILL

Don't start.

Will spins back around on his chair back to his laptop.

DAN

Come on. We both know the reason you don't wanna come.

WILL

What's that?

DAN

Because you're a pussy. You can't keep moping around and feeling sorry for yourself just because you got dumped 6 months ago! 6! Sooner or later you've gotta move on, or you're gonna miss out on the best years of your life!

WILL

What's that supposed to mean?

DAN

You haven't been out in ages. We finish in a few weeks time, then we're going home for the summer. You're a bloody student. This is the time when you're supposed to go out every night of the week, get so pissed you declare yourself a young, beautiful and independent black woman, before waking up in a strangers house covered in someone else's piss, shit and sick before walking home without realizing you've got "twat" written on your forehead.

Will spins back around slowly to face Dan. He has a worried but inquisitive look on his face. They both stare at each other.

DAN

A friend.

WILL

I know.

There is an awkward silence.

DAN

Look, please come with us, everyone's coming.

WILL

Then you don't need me there.

DAN

Don't be ridiculous, it's not the same when you're not there. You've not been out for so long, the truth is, I miss you, buddy.

WILL

Oh don't you dare.

DAN

It's all well and good, everyone else coming out, but without you it's not the same. I've known you the most, and I hate leaving you here like this. You're my best friend.

WILL

Oh you twat, you just had to, didn't you?

Dan just smiles back. Will pauses, thinking. He looks at his laptop, before looking at Dan.

WILL

One drink?

DAN

One drink.

WILL

Not a late one?

DAN

Not a late one.

will

No night clubs?

DAN

(hesitantly)

Yep.

WILL

(reluctatnly)

Fine!


Dan gleefully stamps his feet and slaps his thighs before punching the air in triumph.

DAN

Yes!

He stands up and bounds out of the room.


DaN

(as he is leaving the room)

Get ready, we're leaving in half an hour! You never know, this might finally be the night you pull.

Will spins around on his chair and looks at his laptop. He exhales deeply before closing his laptop shut.

close up of will slamming his laptop shut before cut to black screen.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2014, 01:22:30 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Laura H

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Re: Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2014, 10:07:59 PM »
Hi & welcome

Other members will be more likely to give you some feedback if you tell us a bit about yourself on the welcome board-

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

And I can guarantee you'll get more feedback if you offer up a few crits for pieces already posted.

Thanks & enjoy your time on the forum  ;)

« Last Edit: July 09, 2014, 10:21:15 PM by Laura H »
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline n.o. yousman

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Re: Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2014, 02:52:14 PM »
the "waking up" scene is one of the most over-used at the beginning of screenplays, so i'd strongly suggest finding a new opening. the rapid back-and-forth dialogue seems to work for these characters and has a lot of potential to be put to good use.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 06:30:47 PM »
Needs work.

The opening scene - it was impossible to work out who was talking (if in fact there was any dialogue at all), and 'musky bedroom'?? How will that be conveyed on film?

The rest - there's a lot of verbal ping-pong but overall nothing happens.

You might find the sticky at the head of the thread useful. If there's no differentiation between speech and choreography it's difficult to make sense of what's going on.

H3K

Offline bailish

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Re: Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2014, 06:20:53 AM »
One guy wants to go out for a drink, the other doesn't. Hardly an interesting conflict. No hint of anything interesting to come, either.

Is the whole plot about how he got the blonde to sleep with him? Nothing in this draws my interest.


Offline greyman

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Re: Untitled Screenplay - First Draft - Part 1 W/C 792
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2014, 02:44:41 PM »
I actually really like the dialogue and the characters, but yeah, that opening scene sticks out a little bit. Maybe if he woke up somewhere weirder, or it was more clear why he's upset?