Author Topic: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊  (Read 2903 times)

Offline aks

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2014, 08:29:26 AM »
I love that this poem holds within it such a powerful story, simply expressed, without embellishment.

Offline Gemwrites

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2014, 08:33:28 AM »
Thank you very much  :)
To take them home to,
The ones that they love and who love them forever :)

Offline Chizzy

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2014, 08:51:17 AM »
Yeah, good stuff, Gem. My main complaint is that know/grow rhyme really jumps out as being far too direct and obvious. You get away with came/blame better because there's a bit of distance between them. The other rhymes you have are a lot more subtle, half-rhymes really, which work well. To keep the scheme you're employing, you might need to do something about entwine/aisle. Good work.
This is not an exit.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2014, 08:56:24 AM »
"would entwine" gets my vote.  For whatever its worth.  I can passably observe and deduce scansion but there are folks here much more accomplished at and conversant with dum-di-dum.    Ian, CP and Lon to name three.  I understand that there are times a writer should want to break up the dum-di-dum for effect, and maybe that's what your word selections do.   :-\  Listen to the others. :)

T

Offline Gemwrites

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2014, 09:11:54 AM »
Thanks Chizzy, I know what you mean with 'know' and 'grow'. I'm not as keen on this as I am on the rest of the poem so a bit more work is needed 😊

Tom, I took your advice as it simply sounded better to add 'that' and keep with the dum-di-dum, so thanks for that. As for entwine and entwined...I'm sure I will change it many times before I move on to the next poem haha 😊

To take them home to,
The ones that they love and who love them forever :)

Offline mwilson0414

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2014, 10:25:11 AM »
Gem,
This is very powerful and paints a vivid picture. You really put the reader in the lives of characters.

Big Thumbs up.

Offline Gemwrites

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2014, 10:30:58 AM »
Thank you  :)
To take them home to,
The ones that they love and who love them forever :)

Offline Lon Palmer

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #22 on: July 30, 2014, 09:30:16 PM »
You weren't to know at seventeen,
in simpler times,
that simpler minds
could be so wrong 'bout love's young dream.

When spindly bodies were entwined,
you never thought
that pillow talk,
would mean a quick trip down the aisle.

And when the hush-hush baby came,
you couldn't know
that she would grow
to be the person you would blame,

for you not being seventeen. . .

Really nice cyclic form, and I love the rhyme and meter - flawless from that point of view. Someone brought up the matter of scansion, and my opinion, for whatever it's worth, is that there is no problem with the iambic rhythm being (almost) unvaried - there are a few elisions and hints of vestigial extra unstressed syllables, so there is a bit of variety - partly because it's a short poem, but mostly because it fits the subject matter. You're writing about things like simplicity, naiveté, and youth, so a simple rhyme scheme and meter fits perfectly, almost like a lullaby.

I do not completely understand the story. Am I being thick? I do that sometimes. Does "you" always have the same antecedent, or does it change? Maybe that's why I'm not completely getting it. Or maybe I'm just being thick . . .
« Last Edit: July 30, 2014, 09:34:05 PM by Lon Palmer »

Offline Gemwrites

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2014, 05:35:12 PM »
Hi Lon, thanks for the great feedback. The 'you' is the same person throughout. It's written from the point of view of a daughter who feels her mother blames her for life not panning out as it would have were she never born. Because the mother had fallen pregnant young, she'd been pushed in to marriage with the wrong person etc.  Hope this makes more sense. It's basically a poem about how one choice at seventeen can shape and effect so many peoples' lives, even if they weren't alive when the choice was made.

I wanted it to have a lullaby style as I felt it complemented the subject and I liked the contrast of the lullaby style with the painful ending.

I'm glad you liked it :)
To take them home to,
The ones that they love and who love them forever :)

Offline Lon Palmer

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2014, 06:48:45 PM »
Now it makes sense, but I think it required the explanation. I don't think it is self-evident in the poem.

I'm not suggesting this as a revision, but use it as an example of what I think would make it clear, without any explanation:


You didn't know at seventeen,
in simpler times,
that simpler minds
could be so wrong 'bout love's young dream.

When spindly bodies were entwined,
you never thought
that pillow talk,
would mean a quick trip down the aisle.

And when the hush-hush baby came,
you couldn't know
that she would grow
to be the person you would blame

for what you did at seventeen.


I think it was your last line that threw me.

But maybe it's just me.

« Last Edit: July 31, 2014, 06:50:38 PM by Lon Palmer »

Offline bri h

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Re: Seventeen - Any feedback appreciated 😊
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2014, 07:26:08 PM »
Well this 'me' still prefers the original last line. I think it has a pathos about it that touched me. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx