Author Topic: The rich and evil  (Read 850 times)

Offline bexkeegs

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The rich and evil
« on: July 28, 2014, 11:23:50 PM »
Aristocratic bliss alive as the day allows
mounted in the depths of night's perpetual pull
this new money era an ode to the Old
 
Opulence in the moon's waltz atop the water
for the sweet surrounding shimmer
 
emerges a swimmer in gold
thus the stars do behold
 
The Dead Queen with might and flex
shatters the evening's blue stain pool
in ripples
and out
ivory skin
jewels about
 
An iconic reverence to the name
her diamonds dripping
to which they remain
bloody with greed and guilt
she sings the same
 
 
I am considering this poem to submit to win a scholarship so I would love some critique and feedback, thank you!

Offline indar

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Re: The rich and evil
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2014, 01:44:11 AM »

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Quote
Aristocratic bliss alive as the day allows
mounted in the depths of night's perpetual pull
this new money era an ode to the Old
 
Opulence in the moon's waltz atop the water
for the sweet surrounding shimmer
 
emerges a swimmer in gold
thus the stars do behold

Hello bex,
Welcome to MWC.

I see that you are well aware that poetry must consist of concrete imagery and you have a fair amount of that. But there needs to be a narrative, a thread that runs through those images. There must always be an actual or implied subject and predicate at the very least. In the first lines of stanza one I'm not certain I see a sentence. Is bliss your subject (noun) and if so where is the predicate (verb) "mounted"? What kind of phrase then is "alive as the day allows"? Or is this meant to be about aristocrats whose bliss is mounted in the depths of night's perpetual pull. In that case you need to pay more attention to the word form. Poets do make verbs out of nouns and vice versa but always in a way that the reader will understand. I can make little sense of this.

"The Moon's waltz atop the water for the sweet surrounding shimmer" is a beautiful image but "emerges a swimmer" does not follow in a narrative form.

I have given this advice to other new members: You are being poetic first and not thinking much about what you really want to say to your reader. I would write out your "story" first in plain english with complete sentences and as few modifiers as possible. Think hard about your message then build the poem from there.

There are many good and generous writers here who will help you.


Offline aks

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Re: The rich and evil
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2014, 08:31:15 AM »
Hi bex...I'm new here too. I love the images in your poem, but I cannot figure out what you are trying to say or express with them. I feel like there is a great deal behind the poem, something you want to say, but I can't access it as of now. I might decide what you want to say or what you want your poem's reader to feel after reading, and then see if you are achieving that after you read through it. Then tinker with it until you feel like you're getting closer, without losing the words or images you feel are absolutely necessary for the poem's integrity. ~Anita

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The rich and evil
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2014, 12:43:43 PM »
Pretty words but too obscure to access. :-[

Who is the Dead Queen? What is the iconic reverence [reference?] ???

Is Old Opulence and enjambment or two separate ideas despite the line break -- lack of punctuation and capitalisation of Old causing confusion here.

Offline indar

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Re: The rich and evil
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2014, 12:48:45 PM »
Quote
An iconic reverence to the name
her diamonds dripping

I thought this might be meant to read:

a reverance to (for?)an iconic name (e.g. Rockefeller)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The rich and evil
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2014, 12:49:58 PM »
How can 'reverence' be iconic? ???

Offline indar

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Re: The rich and evil
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2014, 12:51:29 PM »
thats why I thought it must be a modifier for the name.