Author Topic: Final Passing - Short Script - Psychological/Thriller/Murder/Surreal - 1000 word  (Read 7643 times)

amp

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This is a short screenplay I have written, the first 1000 words of it and it is about a man who's after murdering his friend in his bedroom (over what? I will not say yet) so he hides the body under his bed, thinking of a way to get him out but because of his sister and her party she's going to have, he'll find it a bit hard to get rid of the body. This is also about what the act of murder can do to one's psyche, although it is not full expressed in these words below, they are later on.


FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
A bed is in front of a large wardrobe and beside the bed on one side of the room is a television set.
MARTIN, 16, is strangling RORY, 16, with a belt strapped around his neck. Rory looses his breath and energy and dies, slumping over Martin's back.
Martin rests Rory's corpse on the ground, takes the belt off his neck, stands up, steps back, leans against a wall and stares at the dead body.
He walks to his bed, puts the belt on the board, pulls off the blanket and rolls Rory into it, the top of his head and feet sticking out from the two opening holes.
Martin pushes Rory under his bed, stares at the body for a moment, stands up, walks to the door and reaches for the handle.
DIANE, 16, enters, looking at Martin and he steps back gaping at her.

DIANE
Close your mouth you'll catch some flies.
Martin closes his mouth and coughs.

DIANE
Listen Martin, Mam is gone off but I'm allowed to have my party tomorrow.

MARTIN
Oh yeah that's fine.

DIANE
Why are you all sweaty for?

MARTIN
It's hot in here. What does it matter? What'd you want?
Diane walks over to the bed and sits on it.

DIANE
Don't take it the hard way but I just want you out of the house when I have it so maybe you can go to the cinema or something. Hang out with Rory.

MARTIN
I could yeah.
Diane takes the belt and slaps it against her palm.

DIANE
I would have you there but you're just so embarrassing.

MARTIN
I know yeah, embarrassing, get out. Come get out.
Martin ushers Diane off the bed and to the door.

MARTIN
This is my room. Come on leave.

DIANE
All right don't be so fussy.
(hands Martin the belt)
Dinners on soon.

Martin gently pushes Diane out the room, shuts the door, leans against it, sighs and looks at the belt and the bed.
He walks over to the bed, Diane enters and he turns around looking at her.

DIANE
I'm sorry I forgot to give you your money back.

Diane takes out money from her pocket and hands it to Martin. A coin falls from their exchange, rolls under the bed beside the corpse and they both stare at the black void under the bed.

DIANE
(walks to the bed)
I'll get it.

Martin grabs Diane, pulls her back and walks to the bed.

MARTIN
No I'll get it.

Martin kneels down, reaches for the coin under the bed, grabs it, gets up and looks at Diane.

DIANE
All right, you got it.

Diane leaves and Martin sinks his head into his quilt.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY - LATER
The belt is hanging on the door knobs of the wardrobe and the corpse wrapped in the blanket is still under the bed.
Martin paces the room, rubbing his hands together, glancing at the bed from time to time.
He stops at the foot of the bed, stares at it, scratching his hands and breathing loudly through his nose.
Footsteps are heard outside the door and Martin looks at it. Two bangs are heard and Martin waits for a moment.

DIANE (O.S)
Open up.

Martin walks over to the door, opens it and Diane enters holding two plates of food with knives and forks on them.
She hands one plate to Martin.

DIANE
Dinner's ready.
(walks over to the bed and sits down)
I'm going to watch television here because the speakers in the television in the sitting room are busted.
Martin looks at his food.

MARTIN
I'm not that hungry.

DIANE
I am, now turn on the telly.

Martin switches on the television, sits down beside Diane and they both eat, watching television.
Martin glances at the television, Diane and his food while he eats.
Diane drops her knife and it lands by her feet. They both reach down for it but Diane picks it up.

DIANE
No bother I got it.

They eat.
Diane stops eating, places the knife and fork onto the plate and sniffs.

DIANE
There's something really disgusting about this food. There's an awful smell, I don't if it's the food or your room actually.

MARTIN
I don't smell anything.

DIANE
Then it must be your room since your used to it.

Diane sniffs and stands up.

DIANE
I'm full. I can't eat.

Diane walks to the door, stops, sniffs and turns back to Martin.

DIANE
You should spray this room or at least open the window.

Diane leaves and Martin places his dinner on the floor. He lies down on his stomach and looks under the bed at the corpse wrapped in the blanket.
Martin stares at it for a moment and a spider crawls out through the opening of the blanket at the head.
Martin gets up, crawls over to the television, turns it off and behind him the wardrobe's doors push open and close, causing the belt to fall to the ground.
Martin looks over his shoulder at it, stands up, ignores it, walks over to the window and tries to open it but it won't budge.
He slaps the window with his palm but it still won't open and he stands there staring outside.
The wardrobe opens and closes again and Martin turns around and looks at it.


There's a lot more coming from this but so far what do you think of it? Is it bad? Good? Predictable? Suspenseful? Funny? Sad? or... anything?

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
So far it's a little flat.

1) For such a short screenplay there's an awful lot of stage direction or choreography.
If you're writing a screenplay you're meant to let the director do his job. Your job is simple directions and dialogue.
The opening scene for example - all we need is

FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
MARTIN 16 STRANGLES RORY 16 AND HIDES THE BODY UNDER HIS BED.


The furnishings and the way the body is wrapped don't belong in the screenplay.

2) I guess you're going for suspense by having Diane continually enter the room or having things drop on the floor - but none of it is working particularly well. Diane wandering in once is perhaps suspenseful - twice is pushing it - three times is repetitive.

3) The plot is also unbelievable the way it's set up here. Martin strangles Rory with a belt, wraps him in a blanket, hides him under his bed and carries on as normal. If Martin shows no emotion how can you expect the viewer to feel any tension?

4) Some of the dialogue is very stilted:

DIANE
I'll get it.
MARTIN
No I'll get it.
DIANE
All right, you got it.


and some is obviously there to provide an explanation for Diane visiting his bedroom yet again:

DIANE
Dinner's ready.
I'm going to watch television here because the speakers in the television in the sitting room are busted.

Really? What a coincidence.

So far you might have an interesting opening premise but the suspense is minimal at best. It's hard to see how you can build up the tension when what should be a critical moment in the plot is handled in such a pedestrian fashion.

H3K

Offline greyman

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As mentioned, Diane walking in a bunch of times is pretty unbelievable. And the coin rolling under the bed and her trying to grab it is beyond cliched, unfortunately.

Offline Laura H

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I'm locking this thread as the original poster has deleted their account.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty