Author Topic: Zenith - Language Warning  (Read 2590 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Zenith Language Warning
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2014, 01:27:20 PM »
Hi Mark,
I haven't read the other comments so this may or may not look to be in the context of the thread.   Despite sparkling word clusters sprinkled liberally throughout, this piece doesn’t do much for me.  I’ve decided I have to read stanza/paragraph one as simply the attempt to leave the reader with an undefined feeling.   It did that much for me.  Still, I am left with the predominant pall of an interminable run-on sentence laden with excessive modifiers and prepositional phrases linked like coal cars stretching to the horizon.  I wasn’t able to see connections between S.1 and what follows either.  Of what does follow, the text too often comes across as seriously over-written - for example, “swift adrenalin”, “forlorn symphony echoing nostalgia’s regret”, and “exploding space in a vacuum-future”.  I'm sure others will disagree and that's fine.  

These and several other easily identifiable phrases could be honed to better presentation and placed in a context, any context, and given some tangible anchors.  For example, "in a heartbeat’s silken pause" is potentially a wonderful expression - it captivates me with each reading, but there is currently (in my view) no context to give it legs.  For this reader to much of the poem has no suggested relation to persons, things, events or interactions -- nothing to give suggestions of tangible meaning, however slight.

I understand the poem to be about love lost, but that’s in part from previous knowledge of the author.  The work itself leaves me viewing it as a large handful of colorful helium filled balloons that have been released – beautiful, separating, getting smaller and ultimately gone, leaving nothing.  I don’t mean to be harsh.  I always love reading your writing.

T
  
« Last Edit: June 21, 2014, 10:52:57 AM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline bri h

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Re: Zenith
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2014, 02:13:57 PM »
The only thing I recog'd here was SOC. ha ha. But thanks for thinking of me anyway, pal. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Zenith
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2014, 02:16:48 PM »
Heavy stuff. I didn't mind the story but there were confusing parts particularly, "mind by mind." Less is more sometimes. Great control over the images and words, which made it half-unnatural, perhaps supernatural. The first time through, however it was like encountering Nietsche, dense and unapproachable- but (like him) it grew on me. Good work.

ARM
ARM

Offline Mark T

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Re: Zenith - Language Warning
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2014, 09:29:58 PM »
T
         
« Last Edit: November 01, 2017, 04:45:04 PM by Mark T »