Author Topic: feedback for short film script "The Ghost Photographer"  (Read 1731 times)

Offline tripleblue1

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feedback for short film script "The Ghost Photographer"
« on: June 10, 2014, 10:09:58 PM »
Please read and send feedback would greatly appreciate it  :D :D :D


Logline:
A young man, Ryan, struggles throughout the day with his social anxiety until his encounter with "the ghost" photographer.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: feedback for short film script "The Ghost Photographer"
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2014, 10:21:48 PM »
Hi Triple,

It's always nice to see a new member who is eager to take part in our forum.

But please introduce yourself on the Welcome Board before posting any more:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

It’s also helpful to read the forum guidelines a moderator will be along to offer you.

There are guidelines on the prose and poetry boards. You’ll find them on the left hand menu when you open the board, titled something such as Read This First and marked with a blue stick pin.

The guidelines were developed to help everyone, new and current members alike, have a fair chance to have their work read and reviewed.

I feel the need to warn you, by posting a link instead of a sample of your script, you are also limiting the number of people who will open the link and read. Some of us are a bit hesitant about opening links until we come to know you better.

Thank you,
Alice
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Offline tripleblue1

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Re: feedback for short film script "The Ghost Photographer"
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2014, 11:16:47 PM »
Ok I will. Sorry got a little too excited and posted it.

Offline 2par

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Re: feedback for short film script "The Ghost Photographer"
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2014, 12:11:29 AM »
After you've looked around the site and made a few responses to others' works, why not post some of your script, since many of us do not download from off site

Offline ChonkyDay

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Re: feedback for short film script "The Ghost Photographer"
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2014, 03:54:10 AM »
The one thing I noticed almost immediately was that you tell a lot more than you show.

Quote
She gives him a “back off” look. She tries to call someone on
her cellphone. Lucas ignores her and takes a seat.
What does a "back off" look look like?

Quote
She looks into her
coffee and tries to hide the tears in her eyes.
How does she try to hide the tears? Does she do something with her hair? Does she movie her head? Does she cover her face with her hand?

Quote
He prances his way in pain to the bathroom.
What does that mean exactly? How does one prance in pain? Something I learned during a screenwriting class, by the way, was that you should ever use fancy verbs when someone's exiting the scene. Just use "s/t/he/y exit/s". If you want to show that Ryan is "prancing in pain", you can make that clear by showing us more clearly somehow, and then saying "He exits to the bathroom".

That brings me to my next point. You should always, when possible, use simple present verbs (he goes, they sing, she drinks), and never ever use "starts to", "begins to", "attempts to" or "tries to". They're all unnecessary words that just take away from the space you need to tell your story. Instead of saying "he starts to cry", just say "he cries". If you want to say "he tries/attempts to call someone", then you're relying on telling rather than showing again. Show us how he tries. What is he doing to try? Is he pressing buttons?

Don't ever start or end a scene on dialogue. If there's nothing going on after the last bit of dialogue, just add "Off [character]" to give the reaction of a certain character or to just show that character as the scene ends.

Don't use "CONTINUOUS" so often. You should really only use "DAY" or "NIGHT" in the slugline, and if the scene is a continuation of the previous scene, it should be understood through context. The way you use it isn't even in that way though, so just stick with "DAY" or "NIGHT". If you want to use any other time of day, you can make that clear in the action. The reason why you should only ever really have those two times of day in the slugline is because all that matters in this aspect during shooting is if it will be a day shoot or a night shoot, and when you just use "CONTINUOUS" all the time, it becomes over-complicated when trying to plan out the shooting schedule.

Quote
He walks to keep
from attracting attention to himself
.
In this part you are explaining what his motivation is for walking. You should only ever write things in the action that can be filmed with a camera. A character's motivation for doing something shouldn't be said so blatantly in the action. The motivation should reveal itself through the dialogue or through the actions/body language of the character.

There are quite a few grammar and spelling errors.

You should use the characters' names more often. You use the names so infrequently that it gets really confusing at times.
Quote
He glances at all the people and freezes. He walks to keep
from attracting attention to himself. She runs off.
This part is an example of why you should use names more often. I wasn't sure who "she" was referring to here, so I had to go back. That slows down the pacing of the script.

The dialogue isn't very realistic or believable. The scenes with Lizzie and Ryan together especially. I don't believe a word of their dialogue. Try giving the characters more distinct speech patterns and more depth. Make them more unique like real people rather than just sounding like generic characters on a page.

Overall the story is pretty week. I don't understand what Ryan's end goal is. I think he wants to overcome his fear of people, but it's not really clear. And then the goal just fizzles out and doesn't happen. I don't feel like anyone learned anything from the beginning to the end. I know that Lizzie and Ryan became friends, but that's not a big enough change to warrant a short film.

Maybe give Ryan a little more closure with his fear of people. He doesn't have to get over it or even deal with it, but there has to at least be some change from the beginning to the end, and right now I'm just not seeing it. I think the story does have potential, but it's just not quite there yet.

Thanks for sharing your script. I look forward to seeing the finished product :)