Author Topic: Part of my screenplay. Feedback needed badly please! Contains Adult Language  (Read 8068 times)

hillwalker3000

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So the plot in a nutshell - Patrick steals John's book, and later John is able to prove he stole it.

Is that it?

H3K

amp

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So the plot in a nutshell - Patrick steals John's book, and later John is able to prove he stole it.

Is that it?

H3K

Yes. I don't see how far fetched it could be.
But here are a few other plots in a nutshell if you don't believe mine can be simple.

Citizen Kane - Man dies, last word is rosebud and a journalist tries to find out what rosebud is.
Psycho - A woman steals money, gets killed, and everybody is trying to find her.
The Birds - Birds attack.
Pacific Rim - Robots VS Monsters.
Gravity - A woman gets lost in space and must get back to Earth.
Singin' In The Rain - They're making a movie.
Transformers - Robots and explosions.
Spirited Away - A girl gets trapped in another world, must save her parents and get back.
Night Of The Living Dead - People get trapped in a house surrounded by zombies and must try to survive.
Philomena - A woman and a journalist are searching for the woman's son.
Bad Boys - Witless banter and explosions.
The Kid -  A man is caring for an abandoned baby while the mother is an actor.
Tokyo Godfathers - Three homeless people find a baby and search for its parents.
My Film -  A person steals someone else's book and that someone else try to get it back.

Is it really that problematic and far-fetched? I mean look at Lady In The Water.

hillwalker3000

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You're missing my point. I'm not saying it's far-fetched. I'm saying it's threadbare.

And comparing your story with some of the movie classics seems ultra-defensive. Unless your plot has a lot more going for it - complex characterisation and spellbinding interaction (which I'm not seeing so far) - how are you going to lift your 'simple' plot to the same heights?

I'd suggest you look back at the title of the thread you posted. You were given what you requested - but you don't seem to want it after all.

Maybe you should explain exactly what you're looking for on here.

It's also interesting that after I spent time reading your first post and responding, you dismissed my feedback by telling me
They're teenagers and forget about those scenes I wrote new/better ones.

H3K

amp

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But you did say it was far-fetched and I'm only asking how is it exactly far-fetched? I've given you examples of movies and there plot in a simple summary to see what you think of them since all I was doing was telling you how simple my film was and for you to compare them to my one.
But a person who ultimately tell me to basically stop what I'm doing after this being my first script and all is very harsh. How exactly is it threadbare? What other film have you seen this story being done?
While you referred to these characters as adults, I'm only 16 and I only have 13-16 year old friends to help me do this at a film camp. I'm only stating the age group I am working with, not dismissing your feedback, just questioning it.

hillwalker3000

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I'm not telling you to stop. I'm suggesting you look more closely at the plot. It's Patrick's behaviour that is far-fetched.

But if it's just meant to be a fun exercise in film camp - a caper with people chasing each other leading to a showdown where Patrick gets found out and is made to suffer - that's fine. I hope it's as much fun as you can make it.

But without knowing any of the above we've responded in the same way we would to any wannabe screenwriter asking for feedback. It's a harsh world in Holywood.

H3K

amp

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I have taken all your feedback but without Patrick, where would this script be? The mcguffin is the book and file and without a nosy person like Patrick taking it, it would just be a story of a guy writing a book and never touching it again. I have worked for more than two weeks on this script and it's less than twenty pages long. I'm trying to make it as good as it can be.

hillwalker3000

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An idea (lightbulb moment).

Maybe John has been sitting on this book for a year or two - never meaning to get it published. Patrick is jealous because John is a talented writer but lacks the motivation to go out and try to get it into print. . .

. . . so rather than outright steal the file (a crime which seems doomed to failure) maybe Patrick "borrows" the file - sends it out to a publisher under an assumed name. Then when it becomes an overnight success suddenly Patrick is tempted to pass it off as his own work. He even gets away with it until maybe Nicole comes across something on-line - a free extract from the novel perhaps. She recognises the story - and that's when they confront Patrick.

I don't see how stealing the file back can achieve anything. But the potential for conflict between Patrick feeling ashamed, defensive, even apologetic - and his excuse that he was only trying to do John a good turn - are more realistic behaviours you might care to explore. Just a thought. . .

Good luck with wherever this takes you.  ;)

H

Offline n.o. yousman

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you should consider doing a bit more research on the process of book publishing. it's not quite as straight-forward and easy as presented here. how did Patrick, presumably a man with no writing experience, figure out how to get an agent/publisher, etc.? it takes a long time to publish a book, especially if the author's unknown, and even longer for it to become a bestseller - if it ever does.

not saying you can't make the story work - you can. just make sure it's grounded in the reality of real-world publishing.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Please Note:

Amp, the OP, has not been back on this thread since June 12, 2014.

I mention this because I wonder if he will bother to come back and read/reply to any more critiques.
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amp

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I'm done with this I've moved on. Please don't trouble yourselves with this script any more, I've got better ones now.