Author Topic: Introduction to Karaoke  (Read 6820 times)

Offline mdfidelity

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Introduction to Karaoke
« on: March 09, 2014, 10:51:14 PM »
          INT. OFFICE BUILDING - SETH'S OFFICE - DAY

          Seth, late twenties, is sitting behind his desk. JEFF, a
          seventeen year old that has hair hanging in his face
          and pants sagging around his knees, is standing beside
          his parents.

                                      SETH
                     I promise if you take that path you
                     will regret it.

                                      JEFF
                     I don't see it that way. Besides,
                     what would you know about playing
                     in a band?

                                      SETH
                     You don't play in a band. You sing
                     while musicians play the music.

                                      JEFF'S MOM
                     What a terrible thing to say.

                                      JEFF
                     What ever. I'm the talent.

                                      SETH
                     Okay, let me know how that works
                     out for you.

                                      JEFF'S DAD
                     We will be seeking different
                     representation.

           Jeff and his parents walk towards the door.

                                      JEFF
                     You'll be sorry.

                                      SETH
                     Be sorry for what? Trying to help
                     you?

                                      JEFF
                     What ever.

                                      JEFF'S MOM
                     You just ruined your career by
                     letting go of the next Michael
                     Jackson.

           Seth rolls his eyes.

           Jeff slams the door behind him.

           OUTSIDE THE OFFICE

           Seth opens the door and stands in the doorway.

           SAMANTHA, 25, walks up beside Seth. They both watch
           Jeff wobble in his pants like a penguin.

                                       SETH
                      I do have to admit, it probably
                      takes talent to walk in those
                      pants.

                                       SAMANTHA
                      Do you think he will come back?

                                       SETH
                      I hope not.

                                       SAMANTHA
                      He was an arrogant little shit.
                      What are you going to do now?

                                       SETH
                      Why? He wasn't everything.

                                       SAMANTHA
                      But he kind of has a future.

                                       SETH
                      No he doesn't. He can't even
                      sing that good.

           Seth heads back into his office and Samantha follows.

                                       SAMANTHA
                      Hey, everybody is going to CJ's
                      after work. You should come with
                      us.

                                       SETH
                      No thanks. I'm not going to a
                      karaoke bar.

                                       SAMANTHA
                      It's not just for that. It would be
                      nice if you came to hang out with
                      us.

                                       SETH
                      Who's us.

                                       SAMANTHA
                      Me and Charlie and......

           Seth looks with discontent then they both look out of
           the office windows to see Charlie, early thirties, trying
           to amuse a group.

                                       SAMANTHA
                       Me. Please come.

           Samantha pleads with an almost pouting face.

                                       SETH
                       One drink.

           

Offline 2par

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2014, 11:56:56 PM »
Pretty good. You set the scene and characters. The agent is pictured as a pretty good judge of talent. However, that remains to be seen.

Make sure that you put all character names in capitals who are going to be in the scene. "parents" is not enough, you must name them: JEFF'S MOTHER and JEFF'S FATHER.

When SAMANTHA enters, she does just that. No directions from you of where she stands.

Each change of scene requires a set up. Instead of saying Seth goes back into his office and Samantha follows, you must indicate: Int. Seth's Office, Immediately following.

Keep it moving.

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2014, 12:10:39 AM »
Did you mean that I leave Samantha's entrance the way it is, or do I need to state more?  Thank you.

Offline 2par

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2014, 12:17:39 AM »
Change it to: SAMANTHA joins SETH.

That way everyone knows that this 3 second scene will have both characters.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2014, 11:09:19 AM »
I'm guessing that SETH is a talent scout or agent. If this is the first time we meet him maybe you need to make that clear.

You also need to work out the difference between writing prose and writing a screenplay. You only include information essential to the director or actor - i.e. where the scene takes place, who is present and what they say. Specifying ages is allowed if relevant.

          Seth SETH, late twenties, is sitting behind his desk. JEFF, a seventeen year old that has hair hanging in his face and pants sagging around his knees, is and JEFF'S PARENTS are standing beside the desk his parents.

                                       SAMANTHA
                       Me. Please come.
           Samantha pleads with an almost pouting face.

                           
Also I'm not sure how you expect the director to present this on the screen. It's too vague to even bother mentioning:

           Seth looks with discontent then they both look out of the office windows to see Charlie, early thirties, trying to amuse a group.

H3K

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2014, 02:06:49 PM »
I used the extra description of Jeff to help the scene. I understand that I should keep it to a minimum.

bananna86

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2014, 03:16:33 AM »
Nice work. The characters are built up quite well. It was easy and enjoyable to read.

Offline RyanThomas

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2014, 08:07:41 PM »
This didn't really work for me. The scene was pretty well set up (though whenever you're writing the setting you don't need to say OFFICE--SETH'S OFFICE, you could just simplify it to OFFICE or just SETH's OFFICE. Not both. Also, I didn't really feel like the characters were believable.

                            SETH
                     You don't play in a band. You sing
                     while musicians play the music.

                                      JEFF'S MOM
                     What a terrible thing to say.

                                      JEFF
                     What ever. I'm the talent.

                                      SETH
                     Okay, let me know how that works
                     out for you.

                                      JEFF'S DAD
                     We will be seeking different
                     representation.


I don't know just seems like something you would here in a bad commercial and not a movie. One of my favorite things in the world is good dialogue, and i think you might have missed the mark a bit here. I would really suggest reading all your dialogue out load after you write it. It will really show you how clunky something you thought sounded good in your head, will actually be, when you say it out load. Sorry if this sounds harsh but its just my opinion. Good luck with your revision and your script. I look forward to reading more in the future.

Offline martyng

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2014, 05:39:32 PM »

You also need to work out the difference between writing prose and writing a screenplay. You only include information essential to the director or actor - i.e. where the scene takes place, who is present and what they say. Specifying ages is allowed if relevant.

          Seth SETH, late twenties, is sitting behind his desk. JEFF, a seventeen year old that has hair hanging in his face and pants sagging around his knees, is and JEFF'S PARENTS are standing beside the desk his parents.



I think you need to have the description of how he wears his pants otherwise this line won't fully make sense to the reader: "I do have to admit, it probably takes talent to walk in those pants."

Offline 2par

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #9 on: April 22, 2014, 07:02:17 PM »
The director would be the one to okay Jeff's style of pants. Perhaps the costume designer might suggest extra tight leather jeans, maybe the loose hanging pants - who knows. The director would decide.

Offline greyman

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #10 on: June 03, 2014, 08:01:33 PM »
The line of dialogue that totally hit wrong for me was "He can't even sing that good." For me, that sounds like a line that should be delivered by an uneducated character or a Southern man. A talent agent would probably be more well-spoken ("I've heard a million kids just sing like that"), or crude ("He can't sing for s*** anyway.")

Offline Alex Lee

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2014, 03:18:10 PM »
I enjoyed it. Kid sounded like a little punk and his parents seemed to be enabling him. Sounds pretty accurate.

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2014, 10:13:43 AM »
Outstanding comments. Thank you.  I really see this story fit like a Adam Sandler comedy. I will take my time.

Offline n.o. yousman

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Re: Introduction to Karaoke
« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2014, 02:47:58 PM »
as well-spoken as Seth seems to be, he would say, "he doesn't sing that well." he seems like a guy with good grammar. this is a great little scene. i'd be interested in seeing more.