Author Topic: Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment  (Read 2632 times)

amp

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Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment
« on: June 02, 2014, 02:52:13 PM »
This is a short sample of my new screenplay. Please feel free to review it and advice and tips will help me a lot. Don't feel miss led once you read it, I'm not giving out much detail of the story, I would just like to know if it is properly formatted and do I need more detail?





FADE IN:

INT. JOHN REDDE'S BEDROOM - DAY

JOHN REDDE is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.

PATRICK HUGHES is sitting on the bed behind John, looking down at his phone.

Patrick looks up at John.

PATRICK HUGHES

Can I charge my phone.

John turns around to Patrick.

JOHN REDDE

Hmm? Oh yeah sure.

Patrick hands over his phone to John and he plugs it into the laptop. The phone lights up and it charges.

JOHN REDDE (CONT'D)

I'll be a second, I need to go to the toilet.

John stands up and walks over to the doorway.

PATRICK HUGHES

Can I go on my Facebook?

JOHN REDDE

Yeah go on but if I'm log in get out of it.

Patrick sits down on the chair and types on the laptop.

PATRICK HUGHES

You no I can't do that.

John leaves the room.

Patrick logs onto Facebook and John's account is opened.

He minimizes the window and looks at the computer's desktop.

On the desktop is a Microsoft Word document entitled 'BOOK EMBEZZLEMENT'. Patrick opens up the file and hundreds of pages of the document open up.

He reads the first page which says, 'Embezzlement - Written by John Hughes.'

Patrick turns around and looks out the doorway and then scrolls through the hundreds of pages of text in the document.

He copies the file onto his phone and opens up the window to Facebook.

John enters the room and looks over Patrick's shoulder.

JOHN REDDE

I told you to log me out.

PATRICK HUGHES

I'm just being nosy.

Patrick unplugs the phone from the laptop and stands up.

PATRICK HUGHES (CONT'D)

Listen I got to go now so I'll see you later.

JOHN REDDE

All right see ya then.[/pre]

Patrick turns around and leaves.

John sits down on the chair and closes the laptop.

INT. PATRICK HUGHES' BEDROOM - DAY

Patrick enters his bedroom and picks up a laptop lying on the ground.

He sits down on his bed and opens up the laptop.

He plugs his phone into the laptop and opens up the word document.

Patrick reads the document.

He scrolls back up to the begging of the document and deletes John's name, replacing it with his own and saves it.

He opens up the internet browser and logs into his email account.

Patrick attaches the word document to an email and he writes in the subject line: Patrick Hughes - Embezzlement (F) - AP. He sends this to the email address: submissions@poppybooks.com.

Tony_A20

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Re: Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2014, 04:19:28 PM »
Hello amp,

Your question is answered  in the "Sticky" at the top of the thread.

Tony

hillwalker3000

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Re: Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2014, 06:08:10 PM »
Formatting screenplays is explained in the sticky so I'm not going to mention that.

I understood that Patrick had stolen a copy of a file from John's laptop. The methodology and opportunity to do this seemed rather contrived. . . but we're talking plot here. It's also problematic that he's able to submit an entire word document to a publisher at the drop of a hat unless he's planned to steal the original all along.

So - too much or too little detail?
I feel there's far too much trivial detail in the scene that follows:

Patrick enters his bedroom and picks up a laptop lying on the ground. literally on the ground?
He sits down on his bed and opens up the laptop.
He plugs his phone into the laptop and opens up the word document.
Patrick reads the document.
He scrolls back up to the beginning of the document and deletes John's name, replacing it with his own and saves it.
He opens up the internet browser and logs into his email account.
Patrick attaches the word document to an email and he writes in the subject line: Patrick Hughes - Embezzlement (F) - AP. He sends this to the email address: submissions@poppybooks.com.


The choreography involving picking up a laptop, sitting down, attaching his phone and logging in etc. - can't you jump-cut to the document being attached to the e-mail address? We'll figure out it's the same one - otherwise much of this doesn't make for compulsive viewing.

H3K

amp

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Re: Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2014, 06:32:09 PM »
Formatting screenplays is explained in the sticky so I'm not going to mention that.

I understood that Patrick had stolen a copy of a file from John's laptop. The methodology and opportunity to do this seemed rather contrived. . . but we're talking plot here. It's also problematic that he's able to submit an entire word document to a publisher at the drop of a hat unless he's planned to steal the original all along.

So - too much or too little detail?
I feel there's far too much trivial detail in the scene that follows:

Patrick enters his bedroom and picks up a laptop lying on the ground. literally on the ground?
He sits down on his bed and opens up the laptop.
He plugs his phone into the laptop and opens up the word document.
Patrick reads the document.
He scrolls back up to the beginning of the document and deletes John's name, replacing it with his own and saves it.
He opens up the internet browser and logs into his email account.
Patrick attaches the word document to an email and he writes in the subject line: Patrick Hughes - Embezzlement (F) - AP. He sends this to the email address: submissions@poppybooks.com.


The choreography involving picking up a laptop, sitting down, attaching his phone and logging in etc. - can't you jump-cut to the document being attached to the e-mail address? We'll figure out it's the same one - otherwise much of this doesn't make for compulsive viewing.

H3K


Thanks for the reply, you helped me there. And later on Patrick will delete the original copy of the word document and the book will be published in his name. The company he sends it too allows for submissions through email and I will cover this later on in the finished screenplay. As for John, he'll find out about the book being published not in his name and he will try to get the rights back to it but he'll find it tricky as he never backed up the original file so he has no proof that he ever wrote the book. After that I have everything else sorted out but I don't want to spoil anything as I will be making and releasing it in the summer. It's a drama and will be a short film.

Offline greyman

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Re: Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2014, 07:22:49 PM »
why does the word document, in its original form, say it's written by John Hughes when their names are Patrick Hughes and John Redde

amp

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Re: Review sample of my screenplay: Embezzlment
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2014, 08:38:04 PM »
why does the word document, in its original form, say it's written by John Hughes when their names are Patrick Hughes and John Redde

Simple mistake. My bad, it is suppose to be John Redde.