Dear Reeve,
I largely agree with Hillwalker. I read a little further than he, but not much.
But I would like to ask you one question. Have you ever printed this out and read the words which are on the page, rather than those in your head? If so surely you would have seen how many minor irritations there are. RULE ONE (For all writing, and no, scripts are not exempt) : Don't irritate the reader. Intrigue, mystify, fascinate, and sometimes deliberately mislead. But don't ever give them a reason to stop.
Quote: It's about the story my brother!
Yes, it's all about the story, but if the story is unreadable, no matter how exciting it may be, no-one will finish reading it. That is a cold hard fact. You say you probably aren't going to develop this idea. I suggest that most agents would probably agree with you.
If you'd like an example of an impossibility...
As the taxi drives off, hunched, he hurriedly crosses the street and makes for a buildings entryway.
I have never seen a hunched taxi ;-) (It's a strange sentence construction and reads very clumsily. It does you no favours.
I was also puzzled that Barry inserted a thumb drive into the computer - good on-site hacking - but when disturbed he removed a floppy disk. (Well, a floppy desk in fact.) Spell checker is not your friend.
If I had read to the end it wouldn't have done anything to correct these early flaws, would it? You get one chance to make a first impression.
It has crossed my mind you could be some devious sod deliberately trying to wind us up. It wouldn't be the first time. We are by nature a generous and helpful bunch, which makes us a little vulnerable to that sort of 'game'.
Assuming you are genuine, I wish you well, but can offer you no further advice.
Gyppo
