Author Topic: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.  (Read 9033 times)

Offline Gyppo

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2014, 06:10:16 PM »
Dear Reeve,

I largely agree with Hillwalker.  I read a little further than he, but not much.

But I would like to ask you one question.  Have you ever printed this out and read the words which are on the page, rather than those in your head? If so surely you would have seen how many minor irritations there are.  RULE ONE (For all writing, and no, scripts are not exempt) :  Don't irritate the reader.  Intrigue, mystify, fascinate, and sometimes deliberately mislead.  But don't ever give them a reason to stop.

Quote: It's about the story my brother!

Yes, it's all about the story, but if the story is unreadable, no matter how exciting it may be, no-one will finish reading it.  That is a cold hard fact.  You say you probably aren't going to develop this idea.   I suggest that most agents would probably agree with you.

If you'd like an example of an impossibility...

As the taxi drives off, hunched, he hurriedly crosses the street and makes for a buildings entryway.

I have never seen a hunched taxi ;-)  (It's a strange sentence construction and reads very clumsily.  It does you no favours.

I was also puzzled that Barry inserted a thumb drive into the computer - good on-site hacking - but when disturbed he removed a floppy disk.  (Well, a floppy desk in fact.)  Spell checker is not your friend.

If I had read to the end it wouldn't have done anything to correct these early flaws, would it?  You get one chance to make a first impression.

It has crossed my mind you could be some devious sod deliberately trying to wind us up.  It wouldn't be the first time.  We are by nature a generous and helpful bunch, which makes us a little vulnerable to that sort of 'game'.

Assuming you are genuine, I wish you well, but can offer you no further advice.

Gyppo
« Last Edit: May 30, 2014, 06:15:16 PM by Gyppo »
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Offline ReeveHutt

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #16 on: May 30, 2014, 08:58:18 PM »
Hey Gyppo,

Thanks for taking the time for the helpful comments! I assure you that I am genuine, but maybe you are right and I'm just a little too invested in the project and need to take a step back. I've never been one to do more than one draft, but I didn't even see that floppy drive error (Opps). I think I'll have to move on to my next screenplay, maybe this isn't the masterpiece I thought it was. And I too actually agree with many of Hillwalkers points, particularly with my over use of adverbs, although not his churlish manner! Once again thanks, I do appreciated your help!

All the best,

Reeve

Offline bri h

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #17 on: May 31, 2014, 03:35:18 AM »
Hmm? Interesting thread.

When I first came to this wonderful site nearly 2 yrs ago, I thought I could write. After posting one story I found out how bad a writer I was. Wanna guess how?
Hillwalker.

That's right. He pointed me in the right direction of where I was strong and where I was weak. I've come up against the brick wall of his crits on many occasions. Sometimes he praises, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes, the man is a pain the arse with his comments. But he turns out to be right. What I learned (the hard way) is that he comments on the WRITING. NOT the author.
Personally speaking. I think Phil, (Hillwalker) is the most honest person on mwc, more so than that 'other' person. His critiques lead a writer to better writing. I use HW as a bench-mark against which my writing is measured.

HW, dared to open your 'Magnum Opus.' Something we, the rest of us, shy away from because not knowing the person offering, we won't. So he opened it. And read it, (as much as he could stand). And then offered an opinion. (so more credit to him). But then because you didn't like that the writing is not as good as you thought, you went on the defensive. (which is understandable, you are, after all, the author).

So let's look at you. The writer.
 . . .
 . . .
 . . .

And nothing.

Do you see my point?

We know nothing about you.
All we have is your 'Magnus opus,' and your arrogance.

Get your arse over to the Welcome Thread and introduce yourself properly.

(btw, If you use the spell checker in your last comment, you'll see that 'oops' is spelt incorrectly).

Good Morning. Bri.

 
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline CorneliusPoe

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #18 on: May 31, 2014, 09:50:17 AM »
Frankly, I think we are being trolled.

If not, Reeve you'd do well to take the advice given in good spirit. If you already know it all, there is little for you here.

As far as feeling compelled to share an already completed masterpiece, perhaps this is not the best vehicle. We swine are all and will forever be in the process of learning. We are likely an unfit audience for your pearls.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2014, 07:16:30 PM »
P4: The President of the United States ooks up at Barry. ::)

Far too much direction -- that's not the screenwriter's job. Unfortunately the 'humour/satire/irony/pathos/whatever it's supposed to be' doesn't come through when only the dialogue is used. :-\

amp

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #20 on: June 03, 2014, 02:57:46 PM »
There is too much detail written. You should have it made simple and there really is no need to write about the way people are doing things or show people what is being shown on the screen - it's the directors job to do that. Just like the replies up on top a screenplay should be simple in it's actions but can be whatever it wants to be in it's dialogue. Plus if you are publishing a very lengthy script like that, unless you have it copyrighted, I would be afraid somebody could steal it and use it. You should also take people's reviews and critiques as a way to understand and see your problems if you have any, not take them as insults.

Offline greyman

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #21 on: June 03, 2014, 07:07:09 PM »
I can't see the script, did he remove it

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #22 on: June 03, 2014, 07:23:28 PM »
I can't see the script, did he remove it

He posted a link to his script in the first post of this thread.

Greyman, may I tell you now, posting a link limits the number of responses you will receive because many of us are careful about clicking links, especially from a new, unknown member.

I would also like to suggest you visit the welcome board and make a post of introduction to give members a chance to know you, at least a little bit.
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Offline greyman

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #23 on: June 03, 2014, 07:29:02 PM »
posting a link limits the number of responses you will receive

Duly noted. Thanks. And I'll go post in the welcome page now