Author Topic: I'm (Not) a Dog  (Read 894 times)

Offline AntonioM

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 582
  • I am all that is myself
I'm (Not) a Dog
« on: June 04, 2014, 02:00:00 AM »
Do you want my stinking love?
I trolled the gutters searching
for some long lost treasure,
My unwashed hair and musk old
mask of unshaved pits and cheeks,
fingernails bedded black from digging
in the hard, cold earth,
feet blackened and gnarled teeth
baring grit and grime,
sa
liv
a
dangled from crewed lips.
love, all fangs and claws
and angry, wild  seeped through
gaping pores and torn flesh.
You touch me head and body, and leave
your fingerprints on my tongue,
ready to speak your broken
bones in biting language
crunch, crackle, snap.
Hanged loose between my jaws
limp bodied, not yet buried
beneath the house, unless
of course you want it.
ARM

Jo Bannister

  • Guest
Re: I'm (Not) a Dog
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2014, 04:00:44 AM »
I do like this!  I love the imagery, and the thought processes.  " - Unless, of course, you want it" is the perfect ending.

Might conceivably benefit from another edit.  Some of the punctuation is inconsistent - and while I don't suppose punctuation matters much to dogs, it does to people who enjoy poetry!  I struggled a little with some of the individual words, but step back and the bigger picture is great, showing exactly what you want it to.

Nice work.

Offline CorneliusPoe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3512
    • Cognitive drift
Re: I'm (Not) a Dog
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2014, 08:44:57 AM »
I like it a lot. I love the cadence and overall tone. The courageous breaking of 'saliva' works. I agree on the wrap up, great ending.
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Offline heidi52

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13213
Re: I'm (Not) a Dog
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2014, 09:04:50 AM »
You dirty dog, you!  ;D

Wonderful writing, no crits from me.

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1341
Re: I'm (Not) a Dog
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2014, 10:15:11 AM »
Hi ARM,

The title works with the body of the poem to suggest that this could either be a dog or a lover. In that context, gutter, treasures, fangs, claws, tongues and the whole load of what follows assumes a different coloring- sexuality perhaps and/or domestic violence in a cartoonish way. So the metaphor is workable.

The execution is extravagant and cluttered and could be pared down a good deal. I got the idea of the type of dog/man you wish to portray right away from the first few lines, so the rest of the descriptions felt like filler. It could be condensed vastly- retaining only the parts that are poetic (which is another aspect to be worked on- right now, the images don't surprise me and the descriptions though detailed lack that poetic freshness). The real stuff begins again at l17.


And,

Sa
liv
a

seems gimmicky and almost a throwback.


« Last Edit: June 04, 2014, 10:16:48 AM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Mark T

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4097
Re: I'm (Not) a Dog
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2014, 01:48:56 PM »

Werewolves of London...

Offline heidi52

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13213
Re: I'm (Not) a Dog
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2014, 03:52:45 PM »
Gotta disagree about

Sa
liv
a

I liked saying it out loud and thought it hung there just like the drool on a Newfoundland. Could have been gimmicky, but don't think it was in this case, it slowed things at the right point.  ;)
« Last Edit: June 04, 2014, 03:54:36 PM by heidi52 »