Author Topic: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.  (Read 10667 times)

Offline ReeveHutt

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The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« on: May 29, 2014, 09:57:56 AM »
Hello,

My name is Reeve Hutt and I have been writing screenplays for over ten years. In that time I have compiled a large cache of finished pieces (that shall never be read) writing in a variety of genres. While each of my screenplays have been an enjoyable and learning experience, I found that my heart truly lies in Romantic Drama. There is something special about watching a movie that touches you on a level beyond entertainment, where you walk away from the theatre having gone through a roller coaster of emotions that carries with you after the credits have rolled. Up until this point my writing has been merely a hobby, a outlet for my brooding, but today I finished my latest screenplay entitled, "The Walnut Tree" which I know is my magnum opus; a cultivation of my many years of learning. I have never posted any of my work before but I truly believe that if I don't share "The Walnut Tree" I would not only be betraying myself, (and I'm sorry if this appears arrogant) but screen writing literature as a whole. And while I know the forum is solely for excerpts, I have decided to attached the complete script as I believe not reading it as a whole would be utterly inconceivable. You cannot break a diamond into a thousand pieces and expect to encapsulate the beauty of its unmarred excellence. Enjoy!

The Walnut Tree

Plot: Barry McIntyre must reignite a past passion to remember the man he was and avenge the death of his father.

Constructive criticism/Intelligent critiques would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Reeve Hutt 

Offline lan

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2014, 10:08:09 AM »
Heya Reeve.  I think you should have posted this in the welcome board section: http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

Welcome to MWC.
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Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2014, 11:47:00 AM »
Hi Reeve,

It's always nice to see a new member who is eager to take part in our forum.

But please introduce yourself on the Welcome Board before posting any more:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

It’s also helpful to read the forum guidelines a moderator will be along to offer you.

There are guidelines on the prose and poetry boards. You’ll find them on the left hand menu when you open the board, titled something such as Read This First and marked with a blue stick pin.

The guidelines were developed to help everyone, new and current members alike, have a fair chance to have their work read and reviewed.

Thank you,
Alice
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hillwalker3000

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2014, 02:23:24 PM »
The overkill didn't help because this is not a 'magnum opus' that demands to be read in its entirety. I got as far as the bottom of the first page and wished you'd posted an extract rather than provided a link. I'm sorry to disappoint you but there was nothing that intrigued me enough to read the next 79 pages.

First impressions - it looks like you're trying to write a novel instead of a screenplay. The first two paragraphs are not what one would normally expect to find in a script. The director is the guy who decides how to shoot the scene - the scriptwriter supplies the bare bones of the action and characters and the dialogue. 99% of a screenplay is dialogue.

Adverbs - your writing is buried beneath them. They're mostly unnecessary and detract from what you're trying to say.
- can a window be 'sparsely' lit?
- a car 'slowly' pulls into a street (if it's a taxi dropping off a client how else would it arrive?)
- Barry is dressed 'entirely' in black (which is the same as being dressed in black, is it not?)
- he also 'seemingly' wears a balaclava (not sure how that works)
- 'suddenly' two 'arms armed guards' emerge and Barry 'quickly' dives for cover
- you also like the word 'hurriedly' since you use it twice in the space of a single page - the taxi hurriedly drives off and Barry hurriedly plugs in a thumb drive. I'm not sure why speed matters in any of these examples.

Anyone reading this ^^^ will dismiss your screenplay even before seeing whatever dialogue you have to offer. No matter how brilliant the plot - this doesn't showcase your ability to its best advantage.

You also have a vehicle which is 'unveiled' to be a taxi (was it under a sheet?) and a computer screen that 'enlightens' Barry (a computer screen doubling as a guru maybe?). I would suggest that neither word is the one you were looking for.

My advice - take a step back. Don't sit on your work because it's not going to help you improve. Until you allow others to read it and offer feedback - harsh as it may be at first - you're never going to get beyond the initial misplaced delusion of grandeur.

If you're willing to learn and make your screenplay something a studio might look at you need to develop your writing skills first. I'm no expert on screenplays, but if your writing is flawed you've already fallen at the first hurdle.

If, however, you think you've already got that covered then all I'd say is "Good luck".

H3K

Offline ReeveHutt

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2014, 09:43:52 PM »
Thank you Surfie Dude for your comments!!

I understand what you are saying about the overly long scene descriptions. I also write prose and sometimes this transfers into my scripts becoming verbose. Although I am not writing this to be actually developed so I tend to give as much textual prompts as possible to avoid dissonance between my vision and the readers'. In my mind the story is set in stone; every angle, every emotion, every set up of every scene. And I am sure it is perfect and would win numerous international screen writing awards.  However I can't argue with your pick ups of my grammatical errors or reliance on adverbs!  I tend to amend these on future rewrites; although I believe you are wrong about the use of the words 'unveil' and 'enlighten'.

Again thank you for attempting to read my masterpiece! I was tempted to just post an excerpt but decided to just upload it all as a smorgasbord of poignant drama. If you could only handle a nibble...well that's alright.

Kind Regards,

Reeve Hutt   :)
 

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2014, 06:12:33 AM »
And I am sure it is perfect and would win numerous international screen writing awards.

Dream on.

I believe you are wrong about the use of the words 'unveil' and 'enlighten'.

unveil = to remove a covering from something. Maybe you meant 'reveal' - though I don't understand why you needed to tell us the vehicle that arrived was revealed to be a taxi instead of telling us a taxi arrived.

enlighten = to provide information or experiences that broaden another's understanding or perceptions. Maybe you meant 'illuminate' or 'light up'.

One piece of free advice. It's pointless asking anyone else on here to offer feedback on your writing if you already know it's perfect. You're wasting our time - and your own.

H3K

Offline ReeveHutt

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2014, 07:18:07 AM »
Hello!

un·veil  (ŭn-vāl′)
v. un·veiled, un·veil·ing, un·veils
v.tr.
1.  To remove a veil or covering from.
2.  To disclose; reveal.[/u]

en·light·en  [en-lahyt-n] 
verb (used with object)
1.
to give intellectual or spiritual light to; instruct; impart knowledge to: We hope the results of our research will enlighten our colleagues. 
2.
Archaic.  to shed light upon.


Thanks

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2014, 08:57:26 AM »
Hello!

un·veil  (ŭn-vāl′)
v. un·veiled, un·veil·ing, un·veils
v.tr.
1.  To remove a veil or covering from.
2.  To disclose; reveal.[/u]

as in unveiling a new painting or a new fashion - Not sure why you saw the need to unveil or reveal a taxi on-screen.

en·light·en  [en-lahyt-n] 
verb (used with object)
1.
to give intellectual or spiritual light to; instruct; impart knowledge to: We hope the results of our research will enlighten our colleagues. 
2.
Archaic.  to shed light upon.


Thanks

So you chose to include an archaic term in a contemporary screenplay. How's that meant to work?

It's good that you're defending your work - we all do that to a certain extent - but my earlier impression was probably correct. You haven't come on here for feedback unless it's flattering.

H3K

Offline Slow_Walker

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2014, 09:35:57 AM »


Constructive criticism/Intelligent critiques would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Reeve Hutt 


Offline lan

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2014, 09:38:26 AM »
I reckon we is all destructive and unintelligent.
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hillwalker3000

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2014, 11:32:21 AM »
We sure is.

But it's so enlightening when someone unveils an attitude on here that begs instant rejection.

 ;D

Offline lan

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2014, 11:59:54 AM »
Your comment made me smorgasbord.
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Offline ReeveHutt

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2014, 12:58:30 PM »
Hello again!

I do appreciate your comments, and thank you for taking interest in my work, but I'm a bit confused by your dogmatic approach to critiquing. I didn't come here at all for flattery, on the contrary even! And while I know my script is a pristine work of art, the very soul of any art is subjective. I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but critiquing a work based on the synonym of a word, or a grammatical error is a rather facile approach. It's about the story my brother!
And I know that you are active in this forum because you are passionate about screen writing, and I respect that, may I suggest that if you are to critique a piece, particularly when the responder is in no way being hostile but giving a (mild) critique back, that you don't be so defensive and respond in a childish manner as you come across (sorry!) as a passive aggressive word removed due to language! IS that irony?      

"We sure is.

But it's so enlightening when someone unveils an attitude on here that begs instant rejection."

Again, you're appraisal is appreciated, but if someone doesn't wholly agree with you're comments you know you don't have to be such a 'touchy' douche (particularly when you are wrong with objective facts) in the future,and maybe you may in fact learn a thing or two yourself!

Never in my life have I vouched to be smart, implied or otherwise, and I hope I never shall, because if it involves judging a person's intelligence based on an amateur screenplay, well that just seems, a bit....immature. So I apologise that I can't match wits with either Ian or you, my surfie compadre, but maybe, just maybe, that you're a bigger removed word than I am...And I'm sure that counts for something.  


And may I leave you with a quote from the late great Peter O'Toole:

"If a film critic cooks a turd sandwich at a family BBQ and a guest informs him that 'although delicious, if you could just let up on the volume of turd next time?' I hope he'd take it on board.

Thanks again and all the best!

Reeve Hutt

Modified due to language.

« Last Edit: May 30, 2014, 02:15:23 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2014, 01:24:26 PM »
And while I know my script is a pristine work of art. . .

. . .my problem is that I'm not qualified to 'critique' a pristine work of art. By its very nature, perfection cannot be improved upon.

I trust your wide vocabulary will serve you well in your career.

H3k

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The Walnut Tree - My subversive magnum opus. Drama.
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2014, 02:11:02 PM »
Reeve, since you never bothered to post a message on the welcome board, my guess is you didn't bother to read our forum's guidelines either.

Please do so now:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

As you will see on number 4 and 5, the guidelines also have something to say about the best way to respond to critiques.

Also, this board Review My Script has some guidelines here.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3425.0

MWC Charity Publications.
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The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi