Author Topic: SF Action Piece :: Warning - Strong Language  (Read 1189 times)

Offline Smurf

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    • The Fiction of A Bruce Stewart
SF Action Piece :: Warning - Strong Language
« on: October 08, 2006, 05:59:12 PM »
I'd appreciate your thoughts on this introduction:


First time I ever saw her was the image that stays with me, describes her better’n anything else. We were busting this punk’s shutt. He’d a little girl hostage, wanted a cruiser outta there; no way was it gonna happen. We were going in. Just before it all kicks off, her partner goes down to some virch virus. No-one wants the job, so, as the noob, I get to stand in.

I come into the dock by the maint access, and there she was: a short, busty bundle of attitude screaming “get the fuck outta my way” at the world. One boot mag’d to the wall, jet of fire for hair tied back an’ shoved down the back of her vest, Falcon in her hands, ready to go. No armour, helmet, shields, nothing. Just jacked up and good to go. A ’tank. Jesus. Did I ever not want to be on the bad side of someone. An’ she was waiting for me.

“You Mitch?”

“Yep, s’me. Harker?”

She nodded. “OK. Tac-chan thirteen. Just you an’ me. You do what I tell you when I tell you. Nothing else.”

“Yes Ma’am.” I nodded firmly, once. Her eyes narrowed.

“Just fucking do it. Gonna be enough fun with you as it is.”

Central had the switchover queued; I gave it the nod. Virch showed me she’d already banged over a plan showing exactly when / where.

Fresh out the academy, it looked crap to me. Nothing like the plan / co-ord we’d been taught. And as for the plan itself – sheer fucking suicide!

I came back out to see the challenge in her face, her eyes daring me to say a word so she could chuck me then and there. I wasn’t that dumb. Rep had Harker as one of the most effective mercs MID worked with; if that was the way she wanted to play it that was the way we’d do it. Wasn’t my neck on the block and I wanted to learn real bad.

“You know who this is? Who they’ve got? Any problems? Speak now.”

“Doesn’t matter to me. It’s wrong and we’re here to put it right. Your plan is – gonna be fun, but let’s do it.”

She nodded, face frozen. Central threw up a 30 sec countdown on virch. One by one the teams checked in. She even had Neurop Security under her – their teams OK’d just like everyone else. I slotted away the respect ‘til I had time.


The story goes on as a techno-thriller SF piece, describing a paramilitary hostage rescue operation and its aftermath.
"My ancestors would spit on me if I broke bread with a Crow."
"So would mine. But f**k 'em, they're dead."
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Offline Samhain

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Re: SF Action Piece :: Warning - Strong Language
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2006, 06:44:37 PM »
I love the way this is written in slang.  It makes you have to focus more to figure it out, and that gets you more into it.  The discription of Harker in the second paragraph was very effective.  However, the sentance "Did I ever not want to be on the bad side of someone." (same paragraph) doesn't work for me.  It isn't clear what you're talking about.


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Re: SF Action Piece :: Warning - Strong Language
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2006, 06:23:10 AM »
I agree about the slang, allso to me it makes the dialogue better.