Author Topic: Feedback on my short film script Healing Word Count 723  (Read 6202 times)

Offline StNic

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Feedback on my short film script Healing Word Count 723
« on: May 16, 2014, 09:44:55 AM »
Synopsis: After a chance encounter at a bar, a young woman and her old flame finally move on from their past.
I appreciate any feedback I can get. Thanks!









Moderator's note - StNic has posted a portion of his script in Reply#3
« Last Edit: May 20, 2014, 06:30:35 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Laura H

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2014, 09:57:14 AM »
Hi stNic,

Since you're brand new to MWC, I encourage you to go introduce yourself on the welcome board where we can share some links to rules and get to know you a bit.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

You'll ifnd that most members are hesitant to follow links from someone they don't know, and you may get a better response if you post a bit of your script here. You'll find the posting guidelines at the top of the board.

Thanks & welcome.
ďThere is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.Ē ― Maya Angelou

ďDon't be like the rest of them, darling.Ē ― Eudora Welty

Offline StNic

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Feedback on short script "Healing" Word Count 723
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2014, 10:04:12 AM »
Synopsis:
Synopsis: After a chance encounter at a bar, a young woman and her old flame finally move on from their past.
Link:https://drive.google.com/file/d/0By6X_32DtIqzQUkxelRJa1NwTFk/edit?usp=sharing
I appreciate any feedback I can get. Thank you!!

FADE IN:

ESTABLISHING SHOT.

We reveal a nondescript bar, the dime-a-dozen variety
sprinkled throughout downtown Miami.

1 INT. BAR - NIGHT 1
LIZ, mid twenties, lively and attractive, is hands down the
most popular bartender there.The place is swarming with patrons ranging from semi-buzzed
to piss drunk.

Liz is wiping down the bar top.

GUS, mid forties, empties a glass and sets it down loudly in
front of her.

GUS
(slight slur)
Hey, beautiful! Iíll have another
please.

She looks up.

LIZ
Thatís one too many, Gus.
Gus objects very noisily.

LIZ
One more then youíre cut off. Okay?

Gus acquiesces.
Liz makes a gin and tonic, hands it to Gus.
Two more patrons order drinks.

PATRON 1
Lizzie Liz! Lemme get a Jack and
Coke.

Liz flashes a smile---
LIZ
Sure thing!
---and makes the drink.

PATRON 2
Iíll take a scotch, neat please.

LIZ
Coming right up!
Liz expertly mixes the drink and hands it over. Patron 2
walks off.
Liz begins to slice and pit fruit for garnishes.

GUS
(sipping his drink)
Whoís gonna want me now?
LIZ
Oh, Gus. Youíre a good man. Youíre
kind, youíre--
GUS
Fat. Iím fat, say it.
LIZ
well, maybe a little pudgy.
Gusí jaw drops in mock horror.
LIZ
Itís nothing thatís outside of your
control!
GUS
I know.(Sighs) I just canít believe
she would say that to me. After 40
years.
LIZ
(sympathetically)
I know. Itís horrible.
GUS
"I donít love you anymore," what
does that even mean? I loved you
for 40 years and then I woke up one
morning and just decided to stop.
How does that work?

Another patron approaches and requests a drink.
Gus continues drinking.
Liz is master of her domain - part mixologist, part shrink.
As she tends the bar, we--

CUT TO:
2 I/E BAR ENTRANCE- NIGHT

RICK, late twenties, lurks in the doorway. He sports the
same cowlick heís had since high school, the same
penetrating hazel eyes, the same disarming smile.
He scans the room, eyes resting on--
LIZ
...and there is a woman out there
who is gonna love you exactly the
way you are.
GUS
Youíre a real sweetheart. (A beat)
I just canít believe she would say
that to me. After 40 years! 40
years!

Liz shakes her head. Takes another order, makes a drink.
Her effervescence is like a magnet in this venue, drawing in
those needing to vent, unwind, or laugh.

Liz finally glances up, notices the man who has been staring
at her for the last five minutes. A fleeting shadow of
puzzlement crosses her face, gone before most people would
notice. A customer approaches, bringing her back to now.
Rick begins to walk towards the bar.

CUSTOMER
(inaudible)
I would like a mint julep
Liz makes the drink. Steadies her hand. Wipes her brow. We
can hear her heart racing.
She hands the customer the drink then faces Rick.The one who
got away, the one who stole her heart all those years ago.

RICK
Well, look who we have here.
LIZ
Rick! Itís good to see you.
RICK
Itís good to see you to, Lizzie.
Itís been, what, over a decade?
LIZ
Something like that, yeah.
A beat, then they both laugh.
LIZ
So, where have you been all these
years?
RICK
After college I moved to Vermont
and started working at a public
relations firm.
LIZ
You always said youíd do that.
RICK
Turns out, that didnít make me
happy. So I quit after a few years
and moved back to Florida.
LIZ
Hmmm. Well, let me make you a drink
and you can tell me all about it.
Liz makes a vodka redbull and hands it to Rick.
RICK
You remembered.
He grabs a stool and begins to sip his drink.
As they speak, a man approaches the bar and asks Liz for a
White Russian.
LIZ,
You got it, Dave.
DAVE
And make it strong!
Liz expertly mixes the drink, slides it to Dave and he hands
her a bill.
DAVE
Keep the change.
LIZ
Thanks, Dave.
As Dave walks off, drink in hand, Liz turns her attention
back to Rick.
(CONTINUED)
*
*
*
*
*
« Last Edit: May 20, 2014, 06:11:44 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline StNic

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2014, 10:08:56 AM »
Thank you, Laura H! Will do.

Offline Laura H

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2014, 10:27:29 AM »
Cool!
ďThere is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.Ē ― Maya Angelou

ďDon't be like the rest of them, darling.Ē ― Eudora Welty

Offline StNic

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2014, 04:33:45 PM »
No feedback yet. I wonder if my script is that bad, if I need to be more patient, or whether I'm going about this the wrong way or not?

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2014, 05:42:59 PM »
No feedback yet. I wonder if my script is that bad, if I need to be more patient, or whether I'm going about this the wrong way or not?

Perhaps it was because you failed to read and follow the guidelines for this board.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=3425.0

They start off with:

Quote
Use this board to post excerpts from any dramatic work, including TV and radio scripts, theater plays and movie screenplays. On this board excerpts of up to 1,000 words are permitted, though shorter than this is encouraged. Please continue to post excerpts from prose work (short stories, novels, articles, etc.) on Review My Work, and poetry in Poets Corner.

Make it a habit to read the guidelines of any board you choose to post on. They are designed to make things fair to both new and old members.

BTW: Your word count is 2,326, well over the limit.

If you will tell me or another moderator which portion you would feel comfortable removing, we'll be happy to help with that since as a newbie, you can't edit your post yet.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2014, 05:46:09 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »
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Offline StNic

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2014, 05:50:47 PM »
Alice,

Thanks for pointing that out and sharing the guidelines!

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2014, 05:55:46 PM »
Alice,

Thanks for pointing that out and sharing the guidelines!

You're welcome.

Now, tell me which part you wish removed or I'll have to take my best guess.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline StNic

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Re: Feedback on short script "Healing" Word Count 723
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2014, 05:58:43 PM »
Alice,

It's up to you. :)
« Last Edit: May 20, 2014, 06:29:26 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

hillwalker3000

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2014, 06:32:12 PM »
No feedback yet. I wonder if my script is that bad, if I need to be more patient, or whether I'm going about this the wrong way or not?

I'm no expert on script-writing, but some of this is not even a script.

We reveal a nondescript bar, the dime-a-dozen variety sprinkled throughout downtown Miami.

How do you expect this to be shown on-screen? Are you trying to direct as well?

1 INT. BAR - NIGHT
will suffice - you have to allow the director to decide how to portray it.

Similarly:

LIZ, mid twenties, lively and attractive, is hands down the
most popular bartender there. The place is swarming with patrons ranging from semi-buzzed to piss drunk.


It's not a script - it's an extract from a story. Script-writing is 99% dialogue. The director decides how to shoot the scene and how the characters behave after Central Casting choose the characters - and the actor decides how to play the part and how to deliver the lines. Your job is to provide setting and give them lines to speak - nothing more.

So - simple question. Does the dialogue make us want to hang around and listen in?
No. It's a bunch of people at a bar ordering drinks. Hardly worth paying good money to watch, I'm afraid.

There are several free downloads of well-known movie scripts from 'The Sixth Sense' to 'Some Like It Hot' available on-line so maybe you should maybe take a look then start again.

H3K

Offline StNic

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Re: Feedback on my short film script Healing Word Count 723
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2014, 07:06:36 PM »
Hillwalker3000, thank you so much for your input. I will do as you suggest and take a look at some scripts then get back to work.