Author Topic: Relationship Art  (Read 2101 times)

Offline Tom 10

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Relationship Art
« on: May 08, 2014, 01:01:21 PM »
Revision:


Relationship Art

The skin
around her eyes pinched perceptibly
when Larry came around.
Twenty years older, she bristled at his crassness,
the way
he snickered off dirty jokes,
the hang of his jeans, his
dark curly beard hairs.
So Larry called her an old bat,
just to watch her face.




-- - - - - -              ------------ - - - - - ---   


original:

  Relationship Art

The skin
around her eyes pinched perceptibly
in Larry’s presence.
She bristled at his crassness,
the way
he snickered off dirty jokes,
the hang of his jeans, his
dark curly beard hairs.
Larry called her an old bat,
but only to her face.



« Last Edit: May 09, 2014, 11:44:04 AM by Tom 10 »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2014, 01:10:09 PM »
Is the name 'Larry' relevant to the relationship portrayed here -- should we recognise the couple? Remember . . . this is boring linear Siobhan asking -- the poetry simpleton. ::)

Not sure how well the last two lines define the relationship -- obviously no hiding how he felt so I don't see the need for 'but only'.

I like the close observations you have made about the woman's reaction to Larry, nice use of sounds, but I think the close needs some work -- either a reveal that she has a soft spot for him or after such time in the relationship she can ignore it and just use his credit card, feel good at being better at golf than him, plan a nice poison pie for dinner -- something. :-[

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2014, 01:37:35 PM »
Hi Sio,
There is no real significance about the name.  These two are only casual acquaintances.  She takes offense at the fact of his existence,  and so he takes sport in intentionally irritating her, though he doesn't particularly dislike her.  I'm not sure how to do that.
Thanks for the FB.

T   

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2014, 01:47:07 PM »

Relationship Art

The skin
around her eyes pinched perceptibly
in Larry’s presence.
She bristled at his crassness,
the way
he snickered off dirty jokes,
the hang of his jeans, his
dark curly beard hairs.

Her tetchy intolerance
served his insults and
Larry parried by calling
her an old bat,
but only for the reaction on her face. :-[ :-[

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2014, 01:48:14 PM »
Wow, that's an easy answer to that question ;D ;D ;D

Offline Mark T

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2014, 01:31:01 AM »

Do like the title. Was expecting romance or something like that but that would assume you being predictable, Tom. Kept looking for something like ' way he would mow the lawn', then along with his beard description, there would be an inside joke.
But anyway, the piece has a small-town, worn calico feel to it that carries it - undramatic, prosaic and believeable. Enjoyable read.   

Offline matty11

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2014, 04:28:11 AM »
Enjoyed this too. The implication, for me, in the last line was his language became even more pointed behind her back.
Perhaps give her a name too. You could have a collection of such poems revealing and developing more about these two characters.

all the best

matt

Offline heidi52

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2014, 07:00:57 AM »
This is different for you, agree with Matty11. I too thought Old Bat was probably the nicest thing he says about her.

And yes she deserves a name since loathsome Larry has one.

Offline duck

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2014, 07:16:13 AM »
Hi Tom
How would the poem read ofr you if in the present tense. The observations are great but the past tense gives the poem a feeling of being over/finished and therefore leave me asking a bit 'and now?' In other words, the incident is over but the story in my mind not.
However, great frugality in the words, captures a whole relationship in a subtle way.
Dave

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2014, 11:48:52 AM »
I didn't think the presumption of a romantic relationship would be so strong, and hard to break.  If a reader presumes there to be romance between the characters, I can see the disappointment to result.  She considered herself a well-dressed and well-spoken woman, and he a revolting piece of scum.  Larry had no ill will toward her, but did take sport in tweaking her sensibilities.   He would intentionally make off-color references to watch her react. 

Revision posted - my attempt to make clear the non-romance.

Thanks for the helpful feedback.
 :)
 

cmb

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2014, 11:51:25 AM »
I liked the original better.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2014, 11:52:53 AM »
I like the revision but it's unclear which if them is twenty years older, maybe clarify. ;)

Offline pnokio

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2014, 11:53:47 AM »
This is a strange one Tom.  I’m not really sure where you’re at.  The ‘pinched skin’ of narrowed eyes in the presence of someone despised comes through well enough – nice way of putting it.  Dirty jokes and wimin – for many years I worked in a surgery, a group practice (not as a doctor) where I found myself among a team of mainly women – once they’d decided that I wasn’t a cat let loose among the pigeons and accepted me completely, it was such fun.  You’d never believe the disgusting jokes and swearing that went on – and I do love swearing, so it was good to feel at home.  But they had to be, and they really were, tough girls – the practice was in a fantastic but dangerous area called Brixton – and if someone like your Larry called one of them an old bat, well he may’ve been punched in the face – maybe not, but he wouldn’t have been too eager to try it again.  Anyway, I find your poem interesting, as you can see – but perhaps I’m not seeing something and it’ll suddenly hit me.  Or does the lady secretly find his annoying manner attractive – women can be like that I think - that way he’d get away with calling her an old bat as a kind of pleasantry *_~  Maybe that’s it.  Interesting Tom.

pnokio

Offline Mark T

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2014, 01:04:50 PM »

The expectation of romance or whatever came from the title before opening the piece.

Offline pnokio

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Re: Relationship Art
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2014, 02:30:59 PM »
Ah yes Mark - I see it better now - thanks.

And the rewrite winds me into the situation more, Tom, well done - apologies for being so dumb  :(