Author Topic: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wanted Word Count 450  (Read 14505 times)

Offline RaddersLuke

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INT. COLLINS HOUSEHOLD-NIGHT

Harry, a 42 year old man wakes up. He hears a thump. And another thump.

HARRY

Do you hear that?

Harry's wife Beth wakes up.

BETH

What? It's 1 am. Everyone's asleep.

Another thump. Harry jumps.

BETH

Harry, please. I'm very tired. It's probably nothing.

HARRY

No it's defiantly something. Are the neighbours throwing a party?

BETH

No,their asleep. They don't have their husbands waking them up.

The house shakes lightly.

HARRY

Did you feel that?

BETH

Yeah. Do you think it's an earthquake?

Beth clambers out of bed. She looks out of the window. It's too dark to see anything outside.

BETH

All the lampposts are out.

HARRY

They were working when I went to bed.

The house shakes, this time more violently. Photo frames fall off the wall.

BETH

Shit!

HARRY

Go check on the kids!

Beth rushes into Anna's room. Beth shakes Anna awake.

ANNA

Mom! I'm trying to sleep. What are you doing?

BETH

Honey, I'm sorry but we need to get out of here now. Go wake up your brother, I'll get your sister.

Anna runs into Matthew's bedroom and wakes him up.

MATTHEW

Anna!? What the hell are you doing?

ANNA

Mom said we need to leave now.

The house shakes again. Anna screams.

ANNA

Come on!

Harry rushes outside. A huge Explosion goes off in the distance. Harry turns and sees his neighbour Connor and his family outside their house.

CONNOR

Harry! What's going on? Is it an earthquake.

HARRY

I don't know.

A fighter jet rockets past the two families. Then suddenly burst into flames and crashes into a nearby house.

HARRY

Whoa! We'll hide in your shelter. I gotta get my family. Go!

Connor and his family rush into their backyard and enter the shelter. Beth meets with Harry outside with their baby daughter Felicity along with Matthew and Anna

HARRY

Get into Connor's shelter now!

Missiles begin to hit several nearby houses. Anna sprints for the shelter. She climbs in followed by Beth and Felicity.

HARRY

Matt, Come on.

MATTHEW

Watch out!

Matthew pushes Harry away as a Flaming tank rolls over their heads. Three strange looking planes painted in a metallic black fly over them. They shoot down a predator drone.

MATTHEW

Let's go!

They run to Connor's shelter. Matthew climbs in.  As Harry runs he trips. As he gets himself up the strange planes begin to shoot at him. Bullets whiz pass him as he runs to the shelter. He's nearly there. He climbs in to the shelter as a missile explodes Connor's house. Harry closes the concrete door.

I would love feedback. I'm 13 so I'm still learning how to write a script. :D

Modified to add word count per guidelines.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2014, 03:21:58 PM by Alice, a Country Gal »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2014, 02:00:36 PM »
Luke, did you miss reading this part in the guidelines?

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Read and comment on at least three other posts. Not only are members likely to return the favor, but you will learn how to improve and present your work.

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Offline FreyjaKent

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2014, 11:08:21 PM »
well, that escalated quickly... :D

seriously though, it did a bit. Personally I'd take a little time to introduce the characters beforehand. It's not a bad scene, it just doesn't have any background context so I wouldn't open with it. Maybe go non-linear and start at the end of your story, if it were me I'd do that a make it a "how did we get here" sort of script.

Other than that, just a couple of grammar and spelling errors, take it you meant definitely when you said defiantly, an easy typo. And when Beth says "No, their asleep" that would be they're as it's in reference to what they are, e.g. asleep, rather than what they have, e.g. husbands. You did use it right the second time in that line though. Also in scriptwriting, whenever a new character is introduced, the first time you write their name you want to use all caps, after that it's only all caps when you write their name before their dialogue.

Finally, if this is an opening scene you probably want to add more description about the characters. Age would be a great thing to put for the kids, because different readers will have different images in their head. I'm trying to guess whether Anna is older than Matt at the minute and can't make my mind up, but I'm assuming felicity is a baby. Maybe think of one adjective for every character, even Connor.

Not bad for a first script  :)




hillwalker3000

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2014, 05:00:44 AM »
You're 13 and by the look of this you like action movies. A fighter jet crashing into a house and a flaming tank all in the first 30 seconds.

The dialogue is a little humdrum - a family woken up by what appears to be an earthquake. They don't really have much more to do than that. Then everybody decides to hide in a shelter they just happen to have in their backyard. So far I'm unable to engage with any of your characters so I don't really care whether or not they get blasted to oblivion in the following 30 seconds. I guess that doesn't happen or it would be the shortest movie on record.

My advice would be to work on the characters first rather than the plot. So far it's all whizz bang wallop. No doubt you're in a hurry to get to the action. But it's a little cartoony at the moment.

I'm also wondering why you decided to write a script rather than a story. You're going to have your work cut out keeping an audience entertained by a group of people trapped inside a shelter.

H3K

Offline lan

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2014, 08:32:24 AM »
Along hillwalker's lines, this beginning makes sense if the people get blasted away or scooped up by a large, green alien claw in the next scene, and then we move on and meet the real protagonists, who we actually will have time to know, like, feel for etc. In action scenes such as this one, and I will praise your sense of timing and crescendo, people tend to turn into faceless crowd-things which we don't have time to relate to, in fact the public will probably refuse to get emotionally attached to someone who isn't likely to survive the next foru minutes.

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2014, 04:21:43 PM »
You should have this part of the story happening later on instead of the beginning as we don't know these people or who they are or you could have it as a flashback or a dream for instance.
When introducing a character you should always have their names in capital letters then after that just write it normally. You also only have one heading, even though you move from room to room and to outside.
Make sure not to have too much detail in the screenplay as it is deemed unnecessary and is the directors job to direct people.
When moving from room to room you should just write the room a person is entering as the heading e.g:


JERRY, 34, wakes up and climbs out of bed. He puts on his clothes and leaves the room.

BATHROOM

Jerry is shaving his beard. He washes his face off and walks into the-

BEDROOM

He looks out the window and sighs.


Other than that I found it exciting and I could imagine that moment on screen.
If you would like to learn more about screenwriting you should check out books in your library, articles on the internet and videos on YouTube. I'm also learning and I haven't spent a penny on anything.

Offline ChonkyDay

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2014, 08:20:24 PM »
 Actually think this script has a lot of potential. I would love to see this fully developed and I'm really impressed that you created this at such a young age. Some tips I could give to you now (since I'm just on my phone) are these:

Use more sluglines (scene headings). Each time the action moves to a different room, there should be a new slugline. Your action moves a lot from room to room, but you only have one slugline. This is an easy fix, but remember not to ever start or end a scene with dialogue. You should always open a scene with who's in the scene and what they're doing, even when it's just a continuation of the previous scene.

Introduce the characters in all caps followed by age and a brief description (1-5 words). Any time a new character is introduced you should do this.

Spend more time in the beginning of the scene letting the audience get to know and relate to the characters rather than just throwing them into war in the first pages. Also, I think the way the scene ends is strange.

Offline Slow_Walker

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2014, 04:39:19 AM »
INT. COLLINS HOUSEHOLD-NIGHT

Harry, a 42 year old man wakes up. He hears a thump. And another thump.

HARRY

Do you hear that?

Harry's wife Beth wakes up.

How are you distinguishing between dialogue and directions?  Because the above reads as if Harry's first words are "Do you hear that? Harry's wife Beth wakes up."

Offline heidi52

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2014, 12:26:29 PM »
Not bad at all for a 13 year old.  ;) You show promise, I'll be expecting to see more from you as you learn.

Offline SoundGeare

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2014, 12:36:54 AM »
There were a few typos but nothing too devastating. You have the formatting down, which is good. As a standalone, that scene was lacking something, but if it was used to lead into the bigger story then that would be okay. It felt like it was leading somewhere, and never really got there. As if the real story is what happens after they are in the shelter, but you don't show us any of that.

Offline 2par

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wnated
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2014, 12:48:39 AM »
I am really impressed that a 13 yr old is interested in scriptwriting. There are a few formatting problems, but you can straighten those out later.
Pay attention to the responses you got here and adjust your opening. I'm sure you'll be able to do well.

Offline brookev

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Re: Invasion- Opening scene of my script. Feedback wanted Word Count 450
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2014, 02:19:27 PM »
Not bad... nice way to start off only thing a little confusing was Connors "shelter" but besides that it was good, nice job!