Author Topic: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured  (Read 7557 times)

Offline Dawn

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #45 on: May 07, 2014, 04:25:22 PM »
Much preferred the edit, Sio.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #46 on: May 07, 2014, 04:27:53 PM »
Thanks, Dawn.


You saying you don't like Ballymena people, just the sheep? >:( :D :D :D

Offline bri h

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #47 on: May 07, 2014, 04:33:21 PM »
:D :D :D :D :D :D

Yep, it's not a proper hike without the interesting texture underfoot. :o

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Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #48 on: May 11, 2014, 03:37:19 PM »
Hi 510bahn,

Reading the reactions of other more qualified members there is little that I can add as far as the writing. I have not reached the skill level to be critical.

As a reader and, coincidentally, one with a photography background, the opening line immediately stopped me because it seemed wrong, out of sequence.

Shane cleared his memory card and uploaded the latest batch of photos to his laptop.

Perhaps a nit but batches of photos are usually transferred from memory card to computer before the card is cleared. :) 

Also, uploading refers to the process of sending image files from computer to an Internet server somewhere (e.g. the cloud). Conversely, downloading refers to the process of adding files/programs to your laptop taken from the Internet. Nomenclature born from the use of telecoms satellites "up in the sky" to relay data from laptop/computer A (usually down on the ground) to web server/computer B.

If Shane was transferring photos directly to a server, uploading is the more accurate term. Since he is simply copying the files from memory card to laptop, why not say just that?

Again, perhaps nits, but the reversed order and incorrect use of terms lowered the credibility for me. Shane is a professional photographer right? He would not delete/reformat his memory card before transferring, checking and backing up his precious images.

On the matter of pro photographers, later in the piece you say:

Camera lifted, he looked through the viewfinder and wondered what aspects to snap. He pressed zoom.

And later:

The camera stuck on automatic flash and transfixed him with its strobe effect.

A pro these days uses a 35mm DSLR and prime lenses, therefore no viewfinder and no zoom. Outdoors, particularly for nature photography, available light is used. Flash might be used for fill lighting, but it is obtrusive and disturbs the subjects.  Flash, flash, flash happens in the studio where the pro has multiple off-camera strobes with hefty (like a coffee table book) power supplies to enable rapid fire sequences.

Unless he is using a point-and-shoot prosumer camera with integrated flash. He also does not 'snap' photos, he 'captures' images as a professional.

But I think I have taken all this too literally. Maybe Shane is not a pro photographer, just a wannabe. These nits are beside the point that you have offered a read of a well-written piece.  Thank you.....Ignore me.

If you insist on reading further here is my humble suggestion. A simple edit for the opening line might be:

Shane copied the latest batch of photos to his laptop, checked the transfer and backup sequence, then cleared his memory card.

The rest of the story hangs together delightfully for me.

I guess my innate geekiness and technical background from a previous life reared it's nitpicking head.

Since my own offering for critique has been focused on the importance of the initial opening line, perhaps I have gone overboard with this post. If so, throw it in the trash. :)  In fact, as I think about it my suggested edit, while technically accurate is now too long (as Wolfe might say). Go figure!

Sincerely,

Artemis Quark

P.S. Take out the comma. A coffee table book (hardback) is hefty, yes, but it is still a book (hardback) not a table or maybe I'm missing something?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #49 on: May 11, 2014, 03:46:27 PM »
Cheers for the techie input -- shall change to reflect some level of veracity.

He's not a professional photographer as such, more a wannabe but obviously ought to have more savvy than I've given him. :-[

I think 'snap' was used to avoid repetition of 'capture' -- swings and roundabouts and I prefer to go with the variety rather than repetition where I can.

I'll rob your opening line [as two sentences] so I don't upset photographers but I think I'll stick with the other small inaccuracies for the sake of the story and what regular, non-photo folk would expect.

Shane copied the latest batch of photos to his laptop. He checked the transfer and backup sequence, then cleared his memory card.

Thank you, so much. :D

Artemis Quark

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #50 on: May 11, 2014, 03:52:40 PM »
Glad to help. I'm still learning the proper etiquette of give and take on this wonderful forum. Please bash me upside the head if I step on some toes.

I am sure the power of the story will squelch the photography "inaccuracies." After all, it is not a documentary right?  ;D

The geeks, on the other hand, will not get past the first line without my fabulous edit suggestion. ha ha  ;)

Sincerely,

Artemis Quark

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #51 on: May 11, 2014, 04:10:35 PM »
Absolutely! ;D

Offline Mrs N

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #52 on: May 12, 2014, 04:33:57 AM »
Hi 510bhan, coming in late (as usual!!). Really enjoyed the read. Very atmospheric. Only one jarring moment, 'he was stoked', pulled me up a bit. I guess you mean he was made up (not a good example), but it sounded a bit too Irishy!!! :D

I meant too Irishy because Shane comes from Sidney, still maybe 'stoked' is an aussie word. What do I know?? :-\
« Last Edit: May 12, 2014, 05:33:24 AM by Mrs N »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #53 on: May 12, 2014, 05:52:58 AM »
Yep -- 'stoked' is an Aussie expression -- akin to choked/thrilled/brimming with emotion.

Thanks for reading. ;D

Offline lan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #54 on: May 12, 2014, 06:41:15 AM »
Hello,

first of all thank you for the wonderful read. I had noticed the techie issue there but I'm glad someone already got back to you with a much better edit than I would have been able to offer.

This said your text flows splendidly, in my case I only experienced a minor jolt with "preternatural", marginally because I'm probably too much of a Latinist and am used to spelling it "praeternatural" but mostly because reading it made me interrupt the flow and start wondering if the small difference in meaning justified its use over the more predictable "supernatural" or if you'd placed it there expressly tho throw something unpredictable in the reader's path.

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Offline 510bhan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #55 on: May 12, 2014, 06:52:36 AM »
Thanks, Ian -- preternatural refers more to natural -- beyond natural -- rather than paranormal/supernatural/ghostie stuff and as it follows the earth rumbling and keeping him pinned to the ground, I think it's the right word. ;)

Some interesting debate about the word here: http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/34643/preternatural-vs-supernatural

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #56 on: May 12, 2014, 12:26:40 PM »
Yep -- 'stoked' is an Aussie expression -- akin to choked/thrilled/brimming with emotion.

Thanks for reading. ;D

Just for the record, I have heard 'stoked' here in the US also, with the same meaning.  ;)
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Offline bri h

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #57 on: May 12, 2014, 06:05:33 PM »
Hiya Shvon. I use a Sanyo Xacti for all of my pics. (you've seen 'em) I connect to the pc, and the computer does the rest.  All I have to do is plug it into the
machine, it then d/loads, up-loads the pics and then it asks me what I want to do with them. I usually 'erase' them after they've uploaded. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline heidi52

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #58 on: May 12, 2014, 06:11:25 PM »
Like the edits very much. Think you have a winner here. Some nice writing, for sure.

My only crit would be that you do tend to load up on the descriptions.  :D But I know it's hard when you are trying to convey a real visual especially for a place you know well. Really enjoyed the read.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Edited down to 1,100 words: Enamoured
« Reply #59 on: May 12, 2014, 06:12:45 PM »
Cheers, Bri' and Heidi -- the loaded visuals are because he's a visual person so, quite observant, more so than a regular Joe might be. :-\