Author Topic: Coffee Morning  (Read 19381 times)

Offline Neghe

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #45 on: April 01, 2014, 01:29:15 PM »

Yeah.


Later--got to run.
“Poetry is what happens when nothing else can.”― Charles Bukowski

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #46 on: April 01, 2014, 02:21:32 PM »
It's not a story . . . the beginning does not set up anything that might happen really, no foreshadowing. The description of May getting dressed is over-long, though that was somewhat intentional to show how much of a chore it is to get dressed. It needs broken up and needs another person in scene so the conflict is better shown -- perhaps May struggling to get ready by a certain time and maybe her carer chivvying her on -- May refusing help or being humiliated when she has to ask for it. :-X

The end is flat because there is no beginning . . . it's all middle. :P

I've not given the reader enough reason to invest emotion in May, they don't know her enough to care about her getting dressed. :-\

Plus points, it's clean, active voice for the most part and **show** rather than tell [I don't say she has varicose veins, I don't say she has a frozen shoulder and other little touches] :D

What else have I missed?

Offline heidi52

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #47 on: April 01, 2014, 02:31:15 PM »
You've made May very typical, maybe too typical. She could be any old woman, anywhere. I think we need a little something different to set her apart.

We see her getting ready and experiencing lots of pain, but millions of old ladies have pain when they are getting ready. What we need is a reason to care about her. Maybe despite the pain she doesn't go for comfy, maybe she soldiers on, getting into formal clothes because it's an event - her daughter is coming.

Then you could have the contrast of her daughter showing up in sweats and her hair in a scrunchy stopping in on her way to the gym.

You almost have it with the daughter, but she's got to be more. We want to dislike her, because that in itself will  make us more involved with May.

Just my opinion of course.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #48 on: April 01, 2014, 02:35:51 PM »
Thanks, Heidi  :)

  • make more of May as an individual rather than a generic old lady. ;)

Offline heidi52

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #49 on: April 01, 2014, 02:46:47 PM »
Could be most of what makes her special is in the past. Maybe she was a fashionista when young, always impeccably dressed. Now she's forced to wear frumpy things and even those are hard to get into.

Just brainstorming. Find what makes you want to write about her.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #50 on: April 01, 2014, 02:47:59 PM »
Sweet suggestion, Heidi! Might rob that idea, good premise. :D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #51 on: April 01, 2014, 02:57:29 PM »
Might work it with ideas from this poem . . .

Haunting

She graced covers of Vogue and Tatler, the haughty pose,
arched brow and painted pout, recognisable in her tilted hat.
Haute couture draped her frame, pearls clung to her throat,
portraits in profile by famous photographers
filled newspapers, galleries, and Pathé news reels.

But that was seventy years ago, age hangs slack,
crêped thin over cheekbones and vellum jowls.
Her eyes, no longer shine within, their colour slipped,
blue dripped bruises now shadow jaundiced hollows.

Her head is held high in the latest photograph,
there are no pearls at her neck, but a personal alarm
and her expression, somewhat startled like a deer,
could be fear or confusion, but have no illusions
she’s now the poster girl for the latest campaign
promoting awareness about elderly abuse

Offline heidi52

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #52 on: April 01, 2014, 02:59:26 PM »
That very well may be May!  ;D

Offline Mrs N

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2014, 05:47:39 PM »
Wow, love the poem. That really works for me. You've got under her skin and everything. This hi-lights what a great writer you are whereas the prose version.... :-\

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #54 on: April 01, 2014, 05:49:19 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

The prose version is seriously flawed -- but in fairness it was an exercise whereas the poem is a finished piece. :D

Offline bri h

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #55 on: April 01, 2014, 07:25:03 PM »
Maybe its my own experiences influencing me, but I immediately thought what kind of Mother was May to Valerie? There are 'good Ma's, and bad Ma's.' Because we don't know, and it isn't obvious in the decripts then I can't empathise with May, even though I want to.
And Val? I hope her bum and boobs start to sag. You got her down pat, in my eyes. I liked the descripts of May, I just wanted more of her.
And I totally agree with you about the way 'older' people seem to be seen these days. I get the feeling that the young-uns would throw them/us away as easily as getting rid of a tv that doesn't have the same SOTA new 'thingy' as present ones do. Bri
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #56 on: April 01, 2014, 07:29:09 PM »
Cheers, Bri'. May was as good as she could be for her generation, probably raised her in a rather strict, god-fearing environment. ;) Not too  much of a display of emotion, repressed, frustrated at not having women's equality back in the day so never fulfilled her potential, living in fear of doing something wrong or not living up to expectations. ::)

Offline bri h

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #57 on: April 01, 2014, 07:32:22 PM »
Oh you mean like 'me Nanna?'  ;D Then yeah, you got 'Lizzy' (never to her face) down pat, cos she was just like that. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #58 on: April 01, 2014, 07:36:40 PM »
The same for many women now in their 90s -- they really did get a raw deal and they did all the 'hard' work at home. Made into baby machines or called cold cows. Daddy was always given much more respect and appreciation. Time spent with him was precious and often fun whereas Mum was a moan.  Rather unfair when you get to know them and realise what they sacrificed in their innocence . . . days of virgin brides etc.>:(

Offline bri h

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #59 on: April 01, 2014, 07:47:16 PM »
Know what you mean. They were taught to 'know their place.' And if they said owt, the only thing they got was a smack in the mouth. I know that feeling.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx