Author Topic: Coffee Morning  (Read 19805 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #105 on: April 05, 2014, 04:19:39 PM »
Hi Dawn -- already explained the choreography in a earlier post. ;)

stooped too late --  :-[ :P

Running late . . . maybe, I'm a bit behind?
Doesn't sound like Valerie -- wanted more of a 'rush' with the things she does to contrast with May's slowness. Any suggestions to avoid the repeat?

The gnarly claw replaced all the stuff about knuckles -- wanted to show her hand.

It's slippers she puts on. She doesn't put them on before her clothes. Perhaps I should add 'had' finished dressing in the next paragraph where she is doing her assessment of what she put on.

She's fixed the curl -- no reason why she can't pat her head. :-X The cow. >:(

The clock? Hmm -- if it makes you happier I could give it a mention earlier, but I don't see it as a big deal as is. Time's moved on -- clocks chime, more to show the type of furniture and stuff May has in the house as well as acting as a measure of time passed. :-\

Bugger the poem -- it can go. >:(

Cheers, m'dear. Thanks for the read and the comments. ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #106 on: April 05, 2014, 04:20:29 PM »
Oh, okay, maybe. Nobody else seemed to have a problem though -- well if they did, they didn't mention it  "HAH!"  ;D ;D

Except Bri'  . . .  in a PM ::)

 ;D


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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #107 on: April 05, 2014, 04:22:33 PM »
Oh, okay, maybe. Nobody else seemed to have a problem though -- well if they did, they didn't mention it  "HAH!"  ;D ;D

Except Bri'  . . .  in a PM ::)


Hahaha! I knew I couldn't be the only one.  ;D  :P   ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #108 on: April 05, 2014, 04:24:17 PM »
Still NEVER NEVER NEVER. ;D

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #109 on: April 05, 2014, 04:26:45 PM »
Your work, your choice.  :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #110 on: April 05, 2014, 04:29:37 PM »
Exactly. ;D Very little else we have control over. ::)

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #111 on: April 05, 2014, 04:32:22 PM »
Yep. Go ask May.  ;)

Offline bri h

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #112 on: April 05, 2014, 05:24:21 PM »
May your 'zimmer' never lose its shine, shvon.  ::)

I saw someone's comment above (apologies, I can't remember who) I really liked the idea of an old (for wont of a better) 'used-to-be,' writing a poem of her 'old' times. I liked the suggy that she finishes the last line, then on hearing val's warble, she puts the pen down to concentrate on her. It has a resonance and a nostalgic feel that I really like. I think it's a good idea to promote yourself in the story as an author AND a poet. Kinda 'killing two birds with one pen' as it were. In my opinion, the poem completes it. JMHO. Bri. x
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #113 on: April 05, 2014, 05:28:33 PM »
I can't be the only one that liked the poem at the end. Surly not.

I thought it gave a nice before look at where then aged May came from and an insight into why she wasn't happy with the way she looked now because in her mind she probably (when not looking in a mirror) thinks of herself as she looked why back when.
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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #114 on: April 05, 2014, 05:30:50 PM »
I like the poem at the end too.  :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #115 on: April 05, 2014, 05:31:14 PM »
Thanks Bri', Alice and Nel, I'd have to think about it. Trying to work this 'exercise' into some sort of cohesive 'story' has been enough of a challenge for the moment. It's still an exercise as far as I'm concerned so it will live my docs with all the rest of the crud waiting for proper attention. I'm dying to get back to Muriel #4 so my head is not really in the right place for this -- as you've probably seen with the number of poems I have posted recently. ;D ;D ;D ;D

I only continued with it to show courtesy to the generous comments from members who put their time into the exercise and I didn't want to look as if I hadn't considered what people had said. ;)

Offline bri h

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #116 on: April 05, 2014, 05:37:09 PM »
Have enjoyed the exercise with you, poppet. So thanks to you, too. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #117 on: April 08, 2014, 01:37:46 PM »
It seems the poem does have relevance and merit but I'm not sure how it could be incorporated in the body text. If I put it at the front I think it would be too much of a giveaway and would raise unsatisfying questions for the reader and if I put it at the end it's like a postscript but possibly provides insight into May's behaviour. Can't see her writing it but then how would she come across it?

Oh why did I start this? How can it be used effectively?

Thinking aloud here . . . maybe she could remove the 'poster' from an envelope and the poem is in there too? Nah. Maybe Val could hand her the mail, which she opens after Val's gone, and it's a poem from a fan who remembers her from the old days?  ??? An old flame?

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #118 on: April 08, 2014, 01:42:12 PM »
Quote
Maybe Val could hand her the mail, which she opens after Val's gone, and it's a poem from a fan who remembers her from the old days?  Huh An old flame?

I like that idea.

I like good endings and a poem sent at the perfect time to give her spirits a lift would fit for me.  ;)
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Coffee Morning
« Reply #119 on: April 08, 2014, 01:44:30 PM »
Thanks, Alice. I'll see what I can come with. :)