Author Topic: Pain  (Read 1388 times)

Offline ▒Greg▒

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Pain
« on: March 15, 2014, 08:36:20 PM »
As spring arrives slowly but surely, I am reminded of how awful this past winter was. I wrote this in late November.

Pain

Searing winds
Melt flesh with a cruel cold heat.
What is cold but pain?

The snow hardens underfoot;
The lie of greenery
Fades and the truth
Encrusts.

The truth coats.
The truth hardens.
All of nature becomes
A matrix of daggers.

Offline LC1

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Re: Pain
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2014, 04:13:42 AM »
From this I am getting that nature is playing a cruel game with us, she is showing us one thing and then pulling the cover off it to reveal its true identity. I really liked the imagery of the melting flesh with the cold heat.

Cheers


Offline heidi52

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Re: Pain
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2014, 08:13:08 AM »
Well here it is March and, at least around here, it's still The Winter That Will Not End. So I can definitely relate.

Might have chosen burn rather than melt but that's just me.  ;)

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Pain
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2014, 09:53:31 AM »
HI Greg,

Welcome to RMP.  There's been a serious winter where I live, so I also enjoyed, "what is cold but pain?"  Its interesting how serious cold and serious hot will initially feel the same, and a winter wind will give you "wind-burn".  I was less excited with the idea of cold or snow being "truth", and the 3x repeat of "truth" was a little much. 

Thanks for posting.
 :)
T

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Pain
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2014, 11:37:14 AM »
Neat picture. Not so sure you need coats and hardens as encrusts already suggests this. JMO. :)

Offline Jack of Hearts

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Re: Pain
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2014, 11:49:44 PM »
Greg, this is an appropriate beginning effort in poetry. But understand that it's a long road to hoe and we all need all the help we can get. You must get to poetry. You must read copious amounts and continue your attempts at creating it.

To speak in generalities, your poem never brought this reader into a poetic moment, never made him feel for it, so to speak.







J

Offline duck

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Re: Pain
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2014, 04:27:30 AM »
Hi Greg
IMo you could drop the first and last stanzas and leave stanza and you would have a working opening for a poem. Try not to use the words and lines to explain so much as you do in stanza 3. It robs the poem of mystery and the joy of discovery. The question in stanza one is cheap and rather boring. What should one do with it? Answer it? I thought that is what the poem is for.
Worth working on.
Duck