Welsh Gold - new bit...

[nigelw]

Tried to cut out all but dialogue...not easy!

CUT TO:
EXT: UPMARKET STREET – OVERLOOKING THE SEA – DAY
Gwyn stands in the front garden of his detached executive home, gazing at the spectacular sea view. He looks up at the sky.
He begins to speak to someone standing behind him.

GWYN
At least the weather’s improved. Wouldn’t like to do all this in the rain.

BAYLIFF 1
I’m sorry Mr Williams. I get no pleasure from doing this. Just has to be done, I’m afraid.

Gwyn hands a big set of keys to the Bayliff. His BMW X5 has been freshly cleaned and polished.
A large removals van is parked behind the car.

BAYLIIFF 1
There was no need to clean it. Get them in all sorts of states, we do. Some people set fire to them rather than let us take possession.

GWYN
It was my fortieth birthday present from my wife. doesn’t seem right to let it go covered in shit.

Two men in overalls are carrying boxes out of the house towards the removal van.

BAILIFF 1
I’ve also been told to remind you that you still need to make last month’s payment to the court.
(He checks a clipboard)
That’ll be...six thousand, six hundred and ninety nine pounds and ninety-nine pence.

GWYN
And ninety-nine pence? Jesus!

A girl aged eight (LOUISE), carrying her favourite doll (SCARLET), is skipping around the boxes waiting to be collected.

GWYN
Be careful, Lou. Don’t want one of those big things falling on you and crushing you and Scarlet, do we? That’s all I’d bloody need.

GWYN (CONT’D)
Hey, babe. Have you packed up Scarlet’s things?

LOUISE
No need, dad. Scarlet doesn’t need anything. I sold all her clothes and acssectories on eBay yesterday so you can pay gran.

Gwyn doubles over, feeling sick and upset.

Louise is bewildered, hugs her father, clinging tightly around his neck and patting his back.

MAUREEN, Gwyn’s wife, joins the huddle.

GWYN
(Sobbing)
I’m sorry, so sorry!

LOUISE
Don’t worry, dad. I can buy Scarlet lots of new things when we’re rich again. Scarlet doesn’t mind…honest!

MAUREEN
Hey, come on. You’re a big hard miner, remember?

GWYN
Yeah. I remember.

The sound of shouting behind them breaks the huddle.
Gwyn’s eldest daughter (SARAH) is tugging at an iPad in the grips of one of the bailiffs.

SARAH
Let go of it, you shit! You can’t take that. All my course work is on it. I need it…(SHOUTS) FOR MY EXAMS!

GWYN
Hey! Come on, please? She needs her books and her iPad for her exams next week. Surely there’s something in the rules that allows us to keep the essentials?

The bailiff relents and walks back into the house.

SARAH
(Sarcastically)
Thanks, DAD!

Neighbours on either side of Gwyn’s property are watching the exchange from behind well-manicured hedges.
Sarah sees them and makes an obscene gesture.

GWYN
Give me a break!

Sarah storms off to a waiting taxi.

MAUREEN
Give her time, Gwyn. She’ll come around. She’s just embarrassed.

GWYN
Aren’t we all? Does she think I wanted this to happen?

MAUREEN
She’s moving from her school at a crucial time and all her friends too.

GWYN
If there was any other way…

MAUREEN
I know, Gwyn. She does too. It’s just hard on her. It’s the last thing she needs right now.

GWYN
You think I don’t know that?

The window of the taxi winds down and a furious Sarah sticks her head out.

SARAH
Are we going, or what?

GWYN
Guess we’d better check out the house. See if there’s anything left that they’ll allow us to take.

MAUREEN
Suppose it’s a good way of de-cluttering. Fresh start, and all that.

CUT TO:
 

[ericthehalfabee]

Hi,

I like the dialogue but think maybe the 8 year old wouldn't be that advanced. I have a nine year old girl (Called Scarlet, funnily enough) and she wouldn't have a clue how to use Ebay, wouldn't use the word accessories (not sure if it was supposed to be cute the way you spelled it, or a typo?) and still calls me daddy, not dad. Of course that's just my daughter so if you have kids of your own, you may be writing from your own experience.

The only other thing (that someone more experienced than me can probably expand on) is that there is still too much direction that we don't need to know  - how are you going to show he is staring at a spectacular sea view? How would the viewer know the car had been cleaned and polished unless they read your script?

I do really like it though and it's a good start to a story.

[nigelw]

Good points. I'm really struggling with the direction and dialogue - what needs to be said and what doesn't. I could mention the view within the dialogue but then feel it's something that should be visual rather than said. Problem!
I've based Louise on my own daughter and she does speak like that. The miss-spelling is deliberate...there's lots more later where louise struggles to sound grown up. Hope this makes sense?
Nigel
Thanks!

[hillwalker3000]

Why is the view important yet never brought up in the conversation? I'm sorry, but that first paragraph will have to go - as well as instructions like 'He begins to speak. . .' You gave him a line of dialogue - it's obvious that he's speaking.

If you want to show that they're moving from a nice neighbourhood to a slum you can specify that in the locations - UPMARKET STREET, an exclusive housing project overlooking Swansea Bay (for example).

The same applies to the BMW. You already have the bailiff (bayliff?) commenting on the fact it's been cleaned. I'm not sure he would be quite so chatty but am assuming you've done your research.

Why give us the doll's name? How can the director reveal this on film (unless you stick a label on the doll)? Can you see how unnecessary these incidental details are in the script? Especially as Gwyn mentions the name later anyway.

Gwyn doubles over, feeling sick and upset.
Again, how is this meant to be shown on film? Are you now coaching the actor on how he's meant to feel?

You do a good job of exploring the effect something so traumatic has on the family. But maybe there's room to make more of Sarah's anger/frustration - and less of the hard man breaking down in tears (the group hug seems a little cheesy).

H3K

[nigelw]

Ok. Thanks. I'll rethink it. it certainly is a different animal, but good exercise.

[2par]

Nigel, you have to remember you're not writing a novel here. You're writing a script. Get a manual.

[nigelw]

I've got a couple of manuals but they  contradict each other. One shows direction and so does the other to a lesser extent...confusing.

[hillwalker3000]

I've got a couple of manuals but they  contradict each other. One shows direction and so does the other to a lesser extent...confusing.

In that case dowload a free copy of any well-known screenplay. There are plenty available on-line from 'Citizen Kane' to 'The Sixth Sense'.

H

[2par]

Nigel, the confusing part comes in when you have to understand that there are the original scripts and shooting scripts and scripts out there to appeal to a readership. Make your choice. If you've an eye to sell your script, then make sure you look at original or even shooting scripts.

[nigelw]

Thanks for all the advice.

[bri h]

What kinda miner was he Nige? (If I may). Has to be a Manager or Undermanager. T'snot Scargill is it?  B

[nigelw]

Private mine owner...still a few working in the valley. Half dozen miners at most. In the Gleision mine they drilled to set explosives and didn't check the old seam plans. Drilled through into a water filled chamber and three were killed.

[nigelw]

The story is only loosely based on the events.

[bri h]

Oh right. Gotcha. B

[nigelw]

Cheers Bri. Really appreciated.