Author Topic: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro  (Read 3482 times)

Offline nigelw

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Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« on: March 11, 2014, 10:04:47 AM »
Just wondered if it works? Not sure about the direction.
Sorry about formatting...it was formatted properly in Word. :(

FADE IN:
SCENE 1: THE BLACK INTERIOR OF A COAL MINE – DAY.
Several seconds of complete black.
We hear the sound of stumbling, crunching rocks and the heavy breathing of a man running. A brief flash of light sweeps across the screen. Another few seconds of black and sounds of the running man.
The light begins to bounce of roughly hewed walls as we see it come closer. The light is affixed to the helmet of a dark shape rushing past us. We follow the man as the tunnel he is running through is getting lighter. He rounds a corner, slipping on stones and lands on his back. We see GWYN WILLIAMS’ face for the first time. It is covered in black coal. His eyes are ringed black and are in a state of panic.

CUT TO:
A large thin-legged spider hangs in the tunnel in front of Gwyn’s face.

CUT TO:
Close up of Gwyn’s face. Black ringed eyes are wide open with fear. He forces his eyes away from the spider and checks his watch. We see the second hand just fifteen seconds away from four O’clock.

GWYN
Shit!

He scrabbles to his feet and swats the spider away as he sprints for the light at the end of the tunnel.
We hear the ticking of the watch getting louder as it approaches four O’clock and see the spider scuttling across the floor and taking cover in a crack in the wall.
CUT TO:
Slow zoom in to sticks of dynamite protruding from a coal face. The ticking gets louder as we see a small digital timer attached to the explosives final reach zero.
Nothing happens.

CUT TO:
Gwyn bursts from the mine entrance and slides on his arse. He rolls to the side of the entrance and covers his head. He lies still for a beat.
Nothing’s happened.
He checks his watch. The second hand is now ten seconds past the four O’clock mark. Gwyn rolls on his back and sits up. He hears the sound of an approaching car.
The mine is high on the side of a narrow valley. He sees a red coloured Jaguar saloon bumping up the lane from the road below. We hear a clang as the car bottoms out on the rough lane. 

GWYN
Grinning.

Good enough for the bastard.

Gwyn checks his watch again. The second hand is now twenty seconds past four O’clock.

GWYN
Gritted teeth.

Come on, come on!

CUT TO:
The entrance to the mine is destroyed by an explosion. Debris rains down on Gwyn as he takes cover and rolls away, holding his head.
The dust settles as the red car gets closer to the mine.
Gwyn rolls onto his back and gazes up at the single rain laden cloud drifting slowly towards the mine.

Offline 2par

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2014, 11:53:56 AM »
Okay Nigel, here's how it's done:


INT, Coal Mine, Day

GWYN WILLIAMS runs through a mine.

EXT. Outside the coal mine. Immediately following.

GWYN runs for cover outside the mine entrance.
Mine Blows up.
...... Drives up in his red car.

That's it. Your job does not include actor directions, director directions, "We see" stuff, etc. Your job as the writer is to tell a story through dialogue, and include action ONLY if absolutely required.

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2014, 12:17:20 PM »
Thanks 2Par. That's a big help. Can't help feeling the need to set the scene etc. I'll rewrite using your advice.

Offline bri h

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2014, 12:44:58 PM »
It must be an American or English 'drift'-mine? Cos he runs into the open, rather than ride up in a cage? And the explosion could be much simpler with cable-wires, detonators (dets) and Polar Ajax explosives? (the expanding gaseous kind).  ::)  Bri. (ex-coalminer).
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2014, 04:37:51 PM »
Cheers, Bri. It's actually a real Welsh drift mine that recently made national news after a tragic disaster when they broke through into an old flooded seam. The explosive info is great help.

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2014, 04:39:28 PM »
It's an attempt at converting my novel Welsh Gold into a t.v. screenplay. Tricky.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2014, 05:59:54 PM »
It's difficult to know what response to give on the basis of this.

I counted 9 words of dialogue.

So far it reads like an extract from a novel formatted as a screenplay. And it's all tell which makes it even more difficult to offer constructive criticism.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2014, 06:36:37 PM »
Cheers, Bri. It's actually a real Welsh drift mine that recently made national news after a tragic disaster when they broke through into an old flooded seam. The explosive info is great help.

I live in England. I've never heard of this? Unless it's my 'statins.' They make me forget things?
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2014, 07:58:39 PM »
The fact you live in England might explain it...I thought it made national press. Swansea valley mine disaster.

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2014, 08:01:33 PM »
The Gleision mine.

Offline bri h

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2014, 08:06:31 PM »
The fact you live in England might explain it...I thought it made national press. Swansea valley mine disaster.

Oh really? You know you may be right? Just last week it said on the news that the Tay bridge in Scotland had collapsed.  ;D

Good on yer Taff. ha ha. Bri
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2014, 03:02:00 AM »
 ;D

Offline nigelw

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2014, 03:04:19 AM »
 ;D Bri. I wasn't having a dig. I just meant that I thought the news went national but perhaps it wasn't of interest to English news. 😄

Offline bri h

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Re: Welsh Gold - screenplay - intro
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2014, 04:39:20 PM »
I know you weren't having a go Nige. No offence on this end. I had many jobs down the pits so if you need a hand with technical data? I'm just a pm away. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx